Paddy and Murphy Jokes



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Paddy and Murphy Jokes


Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says, “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

Murphy asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”

Paddy replies, “No, I only live round the corner.”

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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy—the officer—stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four.”

“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”

“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”

The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”

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Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.

He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.

Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?

A) Thrush

B) Kestrel

C) Blue Tit

D) Cuckoo”

Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.

Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”

Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.

That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.

He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”

Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”

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Paddy goes to the police station.

He was looking to talk to the burglar, who broke into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court tomorrow,” said the desk sergeant.

“But it’ll only take a minute, sarge. I just want to ask how he got into our house without waking my missus, as I’ve been trying to do it for years,” says Paddy.

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Murphy asked Paddy, “What ringtone have you got?”

Paddy said, “I’ve never really looked, but probably light brown.”

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Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.

Paddy says, “It’s too dark. Do you have a match?”

Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall, but nothing happens. He strikes the match again, but again nothing.

Paddy says to Murphy, “This match doesn’t work.”

“That’s strange,” says Murphy. “It worked earlier.”

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Paddy and Murphy find a mirror.

Paddy picks it up, has a look, and says to Murphy, “That bloke looks really familiar.”

Murphy grabs it off him, “It’s me, you idiot.”

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Two Irish fellas—Paddy and Murphy—are looking for a job.

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying “Tree fellers wanted. Apply within!”.

Paddy says, “Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that.”

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