Jokes on Old People
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Old People Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Short Old People Jokes
I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
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Best Jokes on Old Lady
An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!
“Oh really?” The doctor says.
“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”
“I see,” the doctor says.
“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”
“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.
It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”
After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”
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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
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Old Person Jokes One-Liners
Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
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What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?
Retired!
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
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Yo mama so old her birth certificate says “Expired”.
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Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.
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Yo mama so old her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
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Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noah’s Ark.
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Yo mama so old her first pet was from Jurassic Park.
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Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.
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I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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Yo Mama is so old she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
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Your mama so old she farts dust!
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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
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Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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Long Funny Old People Jokes
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
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More Old People Jokes
After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it is a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 32-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 21-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
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John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed, “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?”
“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”
“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask.
John shakes his head no.
“There is no way she could believe you were 40.”
John shakes his head again.
Friends: “So how old did you tell her you were exactly?”
John smiles and says, “85.”
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How is a comic nerd the same as an old man?
They both have back issues.
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How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2st officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leapt from the shadows, teeth and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2st officer: “Of course you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.
So you’re 5 now, and you can’t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!
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“It’s your birthday? How old are you?” asks the man’s friend.
“I’m seven and one-seventh,” replies the man.
“How’s that, you look about 50 to me?” asks the friend.
“Every time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!”
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?
Half a sentry.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Me.”
“Me, who?”
“Oh no, the forgetfulness has started already!”
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You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
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You know you’re 50 when you’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
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You know you’re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
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You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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You know you’re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
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You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
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I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer.
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An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, “Thank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”
She replied, “A lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”
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A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”
She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”
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One benefit of old age is that your secrets are safe with your friends, they can’t remember them either!
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You know you’re old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you.
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Every year on my birthday, I remember...
That I’m one year closer to being back in diapers.
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Why shouldn’t you wear glasses as you get older?
You won’t see wrinkles when you look in the mirror. Everything looks nice and smooth.
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How do you know you’re old?
It’s your birthday, and there are more candles than cake.
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My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.
The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.
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My grandad is getting old and he’s starting to have a hard time with all the stares.
It’s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.
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Getting old certainly has its benefits.
Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.
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You know you’re getting old when a lady wants you to pay for her implants.
She means dental implants.
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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.
He rushes to the phone and calls 911.
“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”
“Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”
“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.
“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.
Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.
The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”
“You said there were no officers in my area.”
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness—a grandmotherly, elderly woman—to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”
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The young man, as he was golfing alone, not being able to say no, allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball—and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
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A stairway builder was retiring.
On his last workday the manager held a speech for him in the lunchroom.
“This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of each other and reach heaven!”
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly, “Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement stairs...”
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel’s elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, “Giorgio, $100 an ounce.”
On the next floor, an equally beautiful woman steps on and says, “Chanel, $150 an ounce.”
The old lady’s floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day.
And now we don’t know where the heck she is!
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
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Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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