Enjoy our team's carefully selected Old People Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I stopped by grandmotherโs house and Iโm so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
Sheโs 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess Iโll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
โBe sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,โ the pharmacist says. โDonโt worry,โ replies the patient. โIt takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.โ
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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โIโm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ
His wife answers, โYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โHoney, are you sure you donโt want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ
โNo, no, Iโm sure Iโll remember what you asked for.โ
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, โWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, โCrushed nuts?โ
โNo,โ he replied, โarthritis.โ
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, โIโd like to have some birth control pills.โ
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, โExcuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youโre 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?โ
The woman responded, โThey help me sleep better.โ
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, โHow in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?โ
The woman said, โI put them in my granddaughterโs orange juice and I sleep better at night.โ
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An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, โDoctor, my friends are all being awful people! Theyโre all telling me I fart all the time, and itโs just plain rude of them!
โOh really?โ The doctor says.
โYEAH! Theyโre ALL silent so I have no idea why theyโd point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!โ
โI see,โ the doctor says.
โYEAH!! Iโve even felt a few fly out in the office and youโve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.โ
โHere, take these pills, they should help you out.โ The doctor says.
Itโs been a day now, and the doctorโs pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, โDoctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! Iโm farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!โ
After a deep breath, the doctor says, โNow that your nose is fixed, letโs work on your gas and ears.โ
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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, โSonny, would you like some nuts? Iโve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youโd like.โ
โSure.โ, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
โWhat a nice ladyโ, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, โWhy donโt you eat them yourself?โ
โBecause weโve got no teeth,โ she replied.
โThen why do you buy them?โ, I asked.
โOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.โ
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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, โHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ
She said, โI can teach it good manners.โ
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, โDid you learn your lesson?โ
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said โBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they canโt hear a word youโre saying!
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What do you call someone whoโs happy on Mondays?
Retired!
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Itโs so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didnโt have any special powers, he just couldnโt get out of the bath without any assistance.
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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
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Yo mama so old, her birth certificate says, โExpiredโ.
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Yo mama so old, her breast milk is powder.
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Yo mama so old, her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
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Yo mama so old, her first cruise was on Noahโs Ark.
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Yo mama so old, her first pet was from Jurassic Park.
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Yo mama so old, not even the time stone could make her young.
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I canโt wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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Yo Mama is so old, sheโs got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.
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Your mama so old, she farts dust!
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Your mama so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
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Your mama so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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Yo mama so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
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Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
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Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
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Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโs was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโs wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโre going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
โSee here, old fellow,โ said Jesus kindly, โthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playโyouโre supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโs wrong?โ
โWell,โ said the old man, โyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ
Tears sprang from Jesusโ eyes.
โFATHER!โ he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โPINOCCHIO!โ
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, โI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.โ
โPop, what are you talking about?!โ the son screams.
โWe canโt stand the sight of each other any longer,โ the old man says.
โWeโre sick and tired of each other, and Iโm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.โ And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
โLike Heck, theyโre getting a divorce,โ she shouts. โIโll take care of this.โ
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, โYou are NOT getting divorced! Donโt do a single thing until I get there. Iโm calling my brother back and weโll both be there tomorrow. Until then donโt do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!โ And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
โTheyโre coming for Easter and paying their own way.โ
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