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Jokes on Old People



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Old People Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I love being a grandparent in retirement.

I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, โ€œSonny, would you like some nuts? Iโ€™ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if youโ€™d like.โ€

โ€œSure.โ€, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

โ€œWhat a nice ladyโ€, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you eat them yourself?โ€

โ€œBecause weโ€™ve got no teethโ€, she replied.

โ€œThen why do you buy them?โ€, I asked.

โ€œOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, โ€œCrushed nuts?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he replied, โ€œarthritis.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yoโ€™ Mama is so old, sheโ€™s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, โ€œWho owns the property?โ€

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, โ€œIโ€™m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.โ€

The old gentleman says, โ€œWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, donโ€™t go into that field over yonder,โ€ pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer, โ€œMister, Iโ€™m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.โ€

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boyโ€™s face, โ€œYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that Iโ€™m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.โ€

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where heโ€™d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bullโ€™s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the fieldโ€™s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, โ€œYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he canโ€™t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When heโ€™s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heโ€™d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, โ€œJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

โ€œSee here, old fellow,โ€ said Jesus kindly, โ€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโ€™ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play โ€” youโ€™re supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the old man, โ€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ€

Tears sprang from Jesusโ€™ eyes.

โ€œFATHER!โ€ he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โ€œPINOCCHIO!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, โ€œI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.โ€

โ€œPop, what are you talking about?!โ€ the son screams.

โ€œWe canโ€™t stand the sight of each other any longer,โ€ the old man says.

โ€œWeโ€™re sick and tired of each other, and Iโ€™m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.โ€ And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

โ€œLike Heck theyโ€™re getting a divorce,โ€ she shouts. โ€œIโ€™ll take care of this.โ€

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, โ€œYou are NOT getting divorced! Donโ€™t do a single thing until I get there. Iโ€™m calling my brother back and weโ€™ll both be there tomorrow. Until then donโ€™t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!โ€ And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

โ€œTheyโ€™re coming for Easter and paying their own way.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old, she farts dust!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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