Nut Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Nut Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Nut Jokes


What does a nut with the flu sound like?ย 

CAAAASHEW!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.

But it was just a roofingย nut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What makes nuts healthy?

They have many nut-rients.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend thinks heโ€™s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and heโ€™s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.

The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.

The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.

At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.

The farmer admits that theyโ€™ve done very wellโ€”so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next yearโ€™s peanuts!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?

Itโ€™s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโ€™re up to something.

So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโ€™t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.

But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyoneโ€™s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, โ€œDid you see what your monkey just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€

โ€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ€“ whole!โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy, โ€œHe eats everything in sight, donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll pay for the cue ball.โ€

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, โ€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€ asked the man.

โ€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy. โ€œHeโ€™ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so stupid that she thinks Jar Jar is filled with Peanut Butter Peanut Butter!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of nut doesnโ€™t have a shell?

A donut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which nut has the most calories for the human body?

The Donut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which nut has a hole in it?

A donut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: โ€œHello Sir, can I take your order?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, Iโ€™d like a male hot fudge sundae please.โ€

Parlor: โ€œIโ€™m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, with nuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, โ€œSonny, would you like some nuts? Iโ€™ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youโ€™d like.โ€

โ€œSure.โ€, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

โ€œWhat a nice ladyโ€, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you eat them yourself?โ€

โ€œBecause weโ€™ve got no teeth,โ€ she replied.

โ€œThen why do you buy them?โ€, I asked.

โ€œOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe itโ€™s Pharaoh Roche.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, โ€œCrushed nuts?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he replied, โ€œarthritis.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Broccoli: โ€œHey, I look like a tree.โ€

Mushroom: โ€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.โ€

Walnut: โ€œI look exactly like a brain.โ€

Banana: โ€œMan, can we change the topic please?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œNo thanks, but Iโ€™d love some peanuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















© 2022-2023 jokes.best