Number Jokes



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Number Jokes


Chuck Norrisโ€™s ATM PIN number is the last four digits of Pi.

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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.

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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

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Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. Once!

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The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says, โ€œmy daddy taught me.โ€

โ€œCan you tell me what comes after three?โ€

โ€œFour,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œWhat comes after six?โ€

โ€œSeven,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œVery good,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œYour father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?โ€

โ€œA jack,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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How many nuns are there in a temple?

Nun.

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How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?

Nun.

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Why was the red panda good at math?

It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.

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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddyโ€”the officerโ€”stops them and tells them, โ€œIt is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four.โ€

โ€œQuattro is just the name of the automobile,โ€ the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. โ€œLook at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.โ€

โ€œYou cannot pull that one on me,โ€ replies Paddy. โ€œQuattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.โ€

The Scotsmen reply angrily, โ€œYou idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ responds Paddy, โ€œMurphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.โ€

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Why did Goofy feel sad for his calendar?

He heard its days were numbered.

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At the marketplace, a seller advertises โ€œ1 lettuce for $3, 3 lettuces for $10โ€.

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller.

Customer: โ€œThatโ€™s not right!โ€

Seller: โ€œWhat do you mean?โ€

Customer: โ€œWell, thatโ€™s not an offerโ€”3 lettuces cost $9.โ€

Seller: โ€œNo, sir, it says here that 3 lettuces cost $10.โ€

Customer: โ€œI know, but if I buy 1 lettuce, how much do I pay?โ€

Seller: โ€œ$3.โ€

Customer: โ€œAnd if I buy 2?โ€

Seller: โ€œ$6.โ€

Customer: โ€œYes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?โ€

Seller: โ€œThat makes 9.โ€

Customer: โ€œSo, 3 lettuces cost $9.โ€

Seller: โ€œNo sir, they cost $10, itโ€™s written just over there, on that board.โ€

The client canโ€™t fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller.

Customer: โ€œHere, let me buy a lettuce.โ€

Seller: โ€œThat will be $3, sir.โ€

Customer: โ€œNow, Iโ€™d like one more lettuce.โ€

Seller: โ€œThat will be $3 again, sir.โ€

Customer: โ€œFinally, let me buy one last lettuce.โ€

Seller: โ€œThat will also be $3, sir.โ€

Customer: โ€œHow much did I pay you those 3 lettuces?โ€

Seller: โ€œ$3+$3+$3, your paid $9.โ€

Customer: โ€œSee? 3 lettuces are worth $9, not $10, you wonโ€™t sell many lettuces if you do it this way.โ€

Seller: โ€œYes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove theyโ€™re smarter than me by buying 3 lettuces they donโ€™t need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those lettuces to $3 and no one bats an eye!โ€

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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, โ€œExcuse me, Madam, but I donโ€™t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?โ€

โ€œEasy,โ€ said the teacher, โ€œyou just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.โ€

โ€œThanks, I understand,โ€ said the exchange student.

โ€œGood,โ€ said the teacher, and then asked the French student, โ€œso how do you say 4/8?โ€

โ€œShould I reduce?โ€ asked the boy.

โ€œThat would be best,โ€ said the teacher.

โ€œOne-second,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œTake as long as you need,โ€ said the teacher.

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According to a new poll, 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.

The other 9 percent are BMW owners.

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The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

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Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

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A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?

Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!

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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes.

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How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?

92,955,807 miles (to the sun).

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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly.

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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!

Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

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The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasnโ€™t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, โ€œJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ€

Little Johnny quickly replied, โ€œNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ€

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Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafรฉ.

Heather says, โ€œI got my ultrasound done yesterday. Iโ€™m pregnant with triplets!โ€

โ€œI got mine done yesterday too,โ€ says Linda. โ€œIโ€™m pregnant with septuplets!โ€

โ€œI think Iโ€™ll get my ultrasound done next week,โ€ says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, โ€œI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was โ€˜The Three Little Pigsโ€™.โ€

โ€œI got Disney+ last month too,โ€ says Linda. โ€œThe first movie I watched on it was โ€˜Snow White and the Seven Dwarfsโ€™.โ€ When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

โ€œItโ€™s okay if you donโ€™t have Disney+,โ€ says Heather.

โ€œI do have it,โ€ says Martha. โ€œItโ€™s just that the first movie I watched on it was โ€˜101 Dalmatiansโ€™.โ€

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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโ€™s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, โ€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ€

Quickly he replied, โ€œIf it was you who asked, Iโ€™d still have 4 pickles.โ€

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What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

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How many people can you fit in one Honda?

Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Mama always said โ€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ€

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.

All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.

โ€œForty-three,โ€ says one. General hilarity.

โ€œTwo hundred and threeโ€, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.

โ€œThree hundred and twenty-nine,โ€ says a third.

The newcomer decides to try his hand.

โ€œNinety-oneโ€, he ventures. Total silence.

He tries again, โ€œThree hundred and one.โ€ Not a titter.

โ€œForty-two.โ€ A deadly hush.

Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.

โ€œNothing,โ€ he says. โ€œItโ€™s just the way you tell them.โ€

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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

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Math teacher: โ€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ€

James: โ€œA Headache maโ€™am.โ€

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Never fight a math teacher. Youโ€™ll always be outnumbered.

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Math teacher: โ€œIf I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?โ€

Student: โ€œA drinking problem.โ€

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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None โ€“ they gave up.

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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

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You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.

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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic โ€œA cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, weโ€™ll pay you $1,000 if we failโ€.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my sense of taste.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œThis is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your taste back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œBut that is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your memory back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: โ€œMy eyesight has become weak.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s eyes.โ€

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: โ€œWait, thatโ€™s the box with the gasoline in it!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your vision back! That will be $500.โ€

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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

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Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldnโ€™t find the โ€œCALLโ€ button.

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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, โ€œI need your weight, not your phone number.โ€

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Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find the number eleven on their phone.

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