New York Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected New York Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

New York Jokes

How did the ghost get from New York to London?

British Scare-ways.

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Passenger: โ€œOne ticket to New York, please.โ€

Bus driver: โ€œBy way of Buffalo?โ€

Passenger: โ€œNo, by bus!โ€

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How do you get an affordable minimalist makeover in New York?

Leave a window open.

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What is a famous circular museum in New York devoted to Internet search engines?

The Googlenheim.

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A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.

โ€œOkay, miss, is there anything youโ€™d like to use as collateral?โ€ the banker inquires.

The lady says, โ€œOf course, yes. Iโ€™ll drive in my Rolls Royce.โ€

Stunned, the banker inquires, โ€œA Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?โ€

The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.

When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, โ€œMiss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?โ€

โ€œWhere else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?โ€ the woman responds.

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On Teachersโ€™ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?

To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.

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Why are people from New York always depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

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Why do pigs go to New York City?

To see the Big Apple.

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Whatโ€™s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York whoโ€™s running for president?

Bony Sanders.

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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the houseโ€™s lack of insulation.

โ€œIf they could live here all those years, so can we!โ€ my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

โ€œFor the past 30 years,โ€ he muttered, โ€œtheyโ€™ve gone to Florida for the winter.โ€

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A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty-dollar bill, and said, โ€œMake me one with everything.โ€

The vendor pocketed the money and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog.

The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.

The vendor looked at him and said, โ€œChange comes from within.โ€

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What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?

He didnโ€™t have mush-room.

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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

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