Enjoy our team's carefully selected New Year Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mary.”
“Mary, who?”
“Mary Christmas!”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anna.”
“Anna, who?”
“Anna Happy New Year!”
😄 😄 😄
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
😄 😄 😄
What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?
Waiting for the punchline.
😄 😄 😄
New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
Social Security.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
😄 😄 😄
An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
😄 😄 😄
When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!
It’ll be my New Year’s Revolution.
😄 😄 😄
Her: “When’s your birthday?”
Me: “January first.”
Her: “What year?”
Me: “Every year.”
😄 😄 😄
I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It’s my New Year’s resolution.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.
😄 😄 😄
I asked a programmer what his New Year’s resolution will be.
He answered, “640 x 480.”
😄 😄 😄
I went to a bar for a New Year’s celebration and took a cab home.
Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.
After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because I’ve never driven a cab.
😄 😄 😄
Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.
Many years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
😄 😄 😄
My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
😄 😄 😄
This year, my New Year’s resolution is to finally go to the gym.
And cancel that membership I’ve been wasting money on every month since last year.
😄 😄 😄
A woman took a nap on New Year’s Eve.
When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”
He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!”
At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present.
Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
😄 😄 😄
A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
😄 😄 😄
An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
😄 😄 😄
