Enjoy our team's carefully selected New Year Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I’ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.
😄 😄 😄
I asked a programmer what his New Year’s resolution will be.
He answered, “640 x 480.”
😄 😄 😄
I went to a bar for a New Year’s celebration and took a cab home.
Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.
After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because I’ve never driven a cab.
😄 😄 😄
Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.
Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
😄 😄 😄
My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
😄 😄 😄
This year, my New Year’s resolution is to finally go to the gym.
And cancel that membership I’ve been wasting money on every month since last year.
😄 😄 😄
A woman took a nap on New Year’s Eve.
When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”
He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!”
At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present.
Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
😄 😄 😄
A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
😄 😄 😄
An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
😄 😄 😄