Jokes on New Year



Enjoy our team's carefully selected New Year Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



New Year Jokes


On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Yearโ€™s Eve?

Hogs and kisses.

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Where can you find comedians on New Yearโ€™s Eve?

Waiting for the punchline.

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New Yearโ€™s Eve forecast:

Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

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What do you call always wanting a date for New Yearโ€™s Eve?

Social Security.

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Whatโ€™s the problem with jogging on New Yearโ€™s Eve?

The ice falls out of your drinks!

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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.

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When it gets to January, Iโ€™m going to overthrow the Government!

Itโ€™ll be my New Yearโ€™s Revolution.

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Her: โ€œWhenโ€™s your birthday?โ€

Me: โ€œJanuary first.โ€

Her: โ€œWhat year?โ€

Me: โ€œEvery year.โ€

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Iโ€™m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Yearโ€™s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

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Iโ€™ve decided that from January 1st, Iโ€™m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

Itโ€™s my New Yearโ€™s resolution.

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Iโ€™ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what Iโ€™ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I alreadyย have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.

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I asked a programmer what his New Yearโ€™s resolution will be.

He answered, โ€œ640 x 480.โ€

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I went to a bar for a New Yearโ€™s celebration and took a cab home.

Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.

After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because Iโ€™ve never driven a cab.

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Ever since 2017, my New Yearโ€™s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Many years going and Iโ€™ve almost finished reading it!

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My New Yearโ€™s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. Iโ€™ve been doing so great!

Iโ€™ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

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This year, my New Yearโ€™s resolution is to finally go to the gym.

And cancel that membership Iโ€™ve been wasting money on every month since last year.

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A woman took a nap on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, โ€œI just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Yearโ€™s present. What do you think it all means?โ€

He replied, โ€œAha, youโ€™ll know tonight!โ€

At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present.

Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titledย โ€œThe Meaning of Dreamsโ€.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

โ€œHowโ€™s the New Yearโ€™s resolution coming?โ€ the bartender asks.

โ€œGreat, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,โ€ the guy replies. โ€œSeriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.โ€

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A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.

So itโ€™s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

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