Name Jokes, Puns and One-Liners



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Name Jokes


What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

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The crusty navy chief noticed a new face and barked at him, โ€œGet over here! Whatโ€™s your name, sailor?โ€

โ€œJohn,โ€ the new seaman replied.

โ€œLook, I donโ€™t know what kind ofย foolishness theyโ€™re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I donโ€™t call anyone by his first name!โ€ the chief scowled.

โ€œIt breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.

And you are to refer to me as โ€˜Chiefโ€™. Do I make myself clear?!โ€

โ€œAye, Aye, Chief!โ€

โ€œNow that weโ€™ve got that straight, whatโ€™s your last name?โ€

The seaman sighed, โ€œDarling, My name is John Darling, Chief.โ€

โ€œOkay, John, hereโ€™s what I want you to do โ€ฆโ€

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A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.

They name her Sushi.

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To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

Gatherer.

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Did you hear about Bruce Leeโ€™s vegetarian brother? His name was Brocco Lee.

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If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later, leaves on Friday, how does he do it?

The horseโ€™s name is Friday!

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Whatโ€™s a mountain goatโ€™s favorite name?

Cliff.

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When I see loversโ€™ names carved in a tree, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s sweet.

I just think itโ€™s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

โ€œHoly cow, Mister,โ€ one of them said after catching his breath, โ€œYou scared us half to death โ€” we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?โ€

โ€œThose fools!โ€ the old man grumbled. โ€œThey misspelled my name!โ€

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Whatโ€™s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York whoโ€™s running for president?

Bony Sanders.

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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?

Frank.

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Hot dogs really should be renamed to hot wolves... They always come in packs.

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Son: โ€œDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?โ€

Dad: โ€œBecause your mother loves Roses.โ€

Son: โ€œOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!โ€

Dad: โ€œNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.โ€

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What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?

Amazon Web Services.

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Why does Spider-Man get so frustrated with the World Wide Web?

Because Google thinks his name is Spiderman, not Spider-Man!

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What is the name of Dr. Strangeโ€™s cousin who canโ€™t do magic?

Doctor Normal.

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What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?

The moon.

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I went to a church menโ€™s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, โ€œHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.โ€

โ€œTo which Joe replies, โ€œChocolate sausage.โ€

This gets everyoneโ€™s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, โ€œThis doesnโ€™t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..โ€

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, โ€œThe horse was named Chocolate.โ€

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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?

Chip.

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If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she wouldโ€™ve named her biggest dragon?

Moron.

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Iโ€™ve heard Dunkinโ€™ Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of No Nut November.

Their name will be Dunkinโ€™ Nonuts for a month.

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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and itโ€™s branded.

We should call it a bit more casual like โ€œcoworker video chatโ€ or something shorter, like โ€œco-vidโ€.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus.

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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

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I think Saturnโ€™s name is the best in our solar system.

It has a nice ring to it.

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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

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My racehorseโ€™s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?

By their names.

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A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

โ€œBehave, my bubaleh,โ€ she says.

โ€œTake good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!โ€

โ€œAnd come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.โ€

โ€œYour mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!โ€

At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

โ€œSo what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?โ€

The boy answers, โ€œI learned my name is David.โ€

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A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

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Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, โ€œYour name?โ€

โ€œJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.โ€

โ€œOh, you stutter?โ€

โ€œNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!โ€

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Why did the owner name his racehorse โ€œBad Newsโ€?

Because bad news travels fast.

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What do you call a man who falls overboard and canโ€™t swim?

Bob.

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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โ€œWhat are your parentsโ€™ names?โ€

The student replied, โ€œMy fatherโ€™s name is Laughing and my motherโ€™s name is Smiling.โ€

The teacher said, โ€œAre you kidding?โ€

The student said, โ€œNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ€

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