Jokes on Money



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Money Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Money Jokes


Funny Money Jokes to Tell Your Friends



Boyfriend: โ€œIโ€™d really like to have enough money to buy a white tiger!โ€

Girlfriend: โ€œWhat on Earth would you do with a white tiger?!โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œWho said Iโ€™d get a white tiger? I just want that much money!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon.

โ€œWell,โ€ he said, โ€œit could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadnโ€™t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it.โ€

โ€œAnd he won?โ€ I said.

โ€œWell, no,โ€ he mumbled. โ€œThe coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a barbershop and asks, โ€œHow much for a haircut?โ€

โ€œTwelve dollars,โ€ says the barber.

โ€œAnd for a shave?โ€

โ€œTen dollars.โ€

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the man, settling into the barber chair. โ€œShave my head.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying โ€œwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downโ€.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, โ€œWeeeeeeee!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.

Sun: โ€œOh man, I forgot my wallet!โ€

Moon: โ€œDonโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll cover you.โ€

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Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve swallowed my money!โ€

Doctor: โ€œTake this, and weโ€™ll see if thereโ€™s any change in the morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s true women do make less money than men. But itโ€™s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the bank, I told the cashier, โ€œI would like to open a joint account.โ€

He asked, โ€œWith whom?โ€

I answered, โ€œWith whomsoever has lots of money.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

โ€œI will grant you three wishes,โ€ intones the genie.

โ€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ€ the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

โ€œAnd for your other two wishes?โ€

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โ€œGive me two more just like this one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two friends talking:

โ€œHey, can I borrow some money? Iโ€™m broke.โ€

โ€œGet money from your job.โ€

โ€œI got fired.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.โ€

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Best Jokes About Money and Marriage



A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, โ€œI forgot my wallet.โ€

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A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This guy was sitting in his attorneyโ€™s office.

His lawyer says, โ€œDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ€

โ€œGive me the bad news first,โ€ he says.

โ€œYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ€ his lawyer informs him.

โ€œThatโ€™s the bad news?โ€ asks the man incredulously. โ€œI canโ€™t wait to hear the terrible news.โ€

โ€œThe terrible news is that itโ€™s of you and your secretary.โ€

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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

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Funny Jokes on Money Heist



Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self wonโ€™t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, โ€œYour money or your life!โ€

The student keeps walking and says, โ€œSorry mate, Iโ€™m a computer science student. I donโ€™t have either.โ€

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When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.

When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

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Jewish, Buddhist and Christian Jokes About Money



Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

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A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty-dollar bill, and said, โ€œMake me one with everything.โ€

The vendor pocketed the money and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog.

The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.

The vendor looked at him and said, โ€œChange comes from within.โ€

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

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A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

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Funny Money Jokes One-Liners



Your mamaโ€™s so short she sat on a coin and her feet didnโ€™t touch the ground.

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Your mamaโ€™s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

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Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washingtonโ€™s nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

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Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.

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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mineโ€™s run out of money...

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Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.

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Knock Knock Jokes About Money



Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œJimmy.โ€

โ€œJimmy, who?โ€

โ€œJimmy so money...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHalibut.โ€

โ€œHalibut, who?โ€

โ€œHalibut lending me five dollars?โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œCash me if you can!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œMoney.โ€

โ€œMoney, who?โ€

โ€œMoney who talks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œIce cream.โ€

โ€œIce cream, who?โ€

โ€œTobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.โ€

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Funny Money Puns for Adults



How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When itโ€™s down to its last quarter.

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If they used money in space, guess what it would be called?

Starbucks!

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Why do crypto fans love donuts?

Because theyโ€™re decentralized.

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How do beat cops define the word โ€œdoughnutโ€?

A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.

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Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?

Because he was just too spore.

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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?

50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

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How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

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Money Puns One-Liners



I like to stuff dollar bills in my belt.

They tell me itโ€™s a waist of money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I really want to start a donut shop.

But I donโ€™t have enough dough.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.

Theyโ€™re torus traps.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.

Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.

Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.

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Long Jokes on Money in English



A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: โ€œDo you deny this?โ€

Homeless man: โ€œNo, your honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œDo you have any coins?โ€

Homeless man: โ€œJust a few quarters, your Honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œGive them here.โ€

Homeless man: โ€œYour Honor, theyโ€™re all I have!โ€

Judge: โ€œThat may be so, but please just give me those coins.โ€

Homeless man: โ€œVery well.โ€ Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: โ€œPay close attention.โ€ Drops coins on the table. โ€œDid you hear that?โ€

Stand owner: โ€œYes, your Honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œExcellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.โ€

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Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.

Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided heโ€™d hide his treasure in the kingdomโ€™s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.

Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdomโ€™s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.

The king spots him and tells his guards, โ€œThis man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.โ€

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

โ€œNo one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,โ€ states the king.

The fisherman replies, โ€œThank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.โ€

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.

Perplexed at this manโ€™s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, โ€œI will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!โ€

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.

The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fishermanโ€™s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, โ€œIt is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?โ€

The fisherman replies, โ€œThe northern half.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, โ€œSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโ€™ve got something to tell you.โ€

โ€œDad, guess what?!โ€ he shouted excitedly.

โ€œSteve, this is important.โ€ I urged.

โ€œNo way, Dad. Listen!โ€

โ€œSteve. Please. Donโ€™t make this hard for me. Itโ€™s about your mum and me.โ€

โ€œDad! Shut up! Iโ€™ve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s amazing son! Your old Dadโ€™s really made up for you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: โ€œPut a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!โ€

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

The man blacked out with the machineโ€™s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,โ€ says the machine.

โ€œBut itโ€™s impossible!โ€ screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, โ€œHow much money do you make a week?โ€

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, โ€œI make a little over $400 a week, why?โ€

The CEO said, โ€œWait right here.โ€

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, โ€œHereโ€™s four weeksโ€™ pay. Now GET OUT and donโ€™t come back.โ€

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, โ€œDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?โ€

From across the room, a voice said, โ€œSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic โ€œA cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, weโ€™ll pay you $1,000 if we failโ€.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my sense of taste.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œThis is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your taste back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œBut that is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your memory back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: โ€œMy eyesight has become weak.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s eyes.โ€

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: โ€œWait, thatโ€™s the box with the gasoline in it!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your vision back! That will be $500.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


More Money Jokes



Why was the glasses so expensive?

Because they were designer spectacles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norrisโ€™s ATM PIN number is the last four digits of Pi.

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A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, โ€œA wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?โ€

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.

With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, โ€œA lawyer!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œIreland.โ€

โ€œIreland, who?โ€

โ€œIreland you money if you promise to pay me back.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œNo thanks, I prefer peanuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œNicholas.โ€

โ€œNicholas, who?โ€

โ€œNicholas half as much as a dime.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œKen.โ€

โ€œKen, who?โ€

โ€œKen you please loan me some money?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œI didnโ€™t realize you were some kind of nut!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œRobin.โ€

โ€œRobin, who?โ€

โ€œRobinโ€™ you! So hand over your money!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?

24 Karat cakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?

It had 24 carrots!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you know that in a couple of weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day?

April Fuels!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?

He was arrested for money laundrying.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.

To be honest, though, I think theyโ€™d chafe less in cotton.

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In Darwin, Australia, a multi-millionaire wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Brian, the sole aboriginal in the area.

He threw the party in his mansionโ€™s garden, around the pool. Everyone was having a terrific time drinking, dancing, eating grilled prawns and oysters, and flirting.

The millionaire then announced, โ€œI have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and Iโ€™ll give a million dollars to anyone who joins him in the pool.โ€

The words had only left his mouth when there was a huge splash.

Everyone turned around to see Brian fighting the crocodile in the water, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, headbutting it, choking it, biting its tail, and tossing it into the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was swirling and splashing all over the place. Brian and the crocodile were both shouting and yelling.

Brian finally strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish after what seemed like an eternity.

Brian stepped out of the pool, weary, with everyone looking at him in surprise.

โ€œWell, Brian, I think I owe you a million dollars then,โ€ the millionaire responded.

โ€œNo way, boss, I donโ€™t want it,โ€ Brian replied.

So the millionaire says, โ€œMan, I have to offer you something. You won the wager. How about a million dollars?โ€

โ€œNo, thanks, I donโ€™t want it,โ€ Brian said emphatically.

The millionaire again says, โ€œCome on, I have to give you something. That was incredible. What about a brand-new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?โ€

Again, Brian said, โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œWell, Brian, then what do you want?โ€ the rich man inquired, perplexed.

โ€œI want the bastard who pushed me in,โ€ said Brian.

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Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocksโ€”Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, โ€œIf any man brings me an Indianโ€™s prized horse, Iโ€™ll give him $1000.โ€

The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.

It wasnโ€™t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.

The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, โ€œDave, look at this!โ€

Dave replied, โ€œNot now! Canโ€™t you see Iโ€™m trying to catch a prized horse?!โ€

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, โ€œI really think you should look at this.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!โ€

But Jeff was adamant, โ€œPlease, just take a darn look!โ€

So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.

Dave shook his head and said, โ€œOh... my... God... Weโ€™re going to be millionaires!โ€

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Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?

Itโ€™s the depth charges.

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Whatโ€™s the hardest part of the roofing business?

The overhead.

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One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.

Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.

Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didnโ€™t really need any.

As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote โ€œDonโ€™t despair. Sister Ruthโ€, on a piece of paper.

She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the manโ€™s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.

The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.

She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

โ€œWhatโ€™s this?โ€ she asked, puzzled and confused.

โ€œThatโ€™s the $8,000 you have coming, Sisterโ€, the man replied. โ€œDonโ€™t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!โ€

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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

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Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.

The landlady said to me, โ€œWe charge twenty pounds a nightโ€”bed and breakfastโ€”or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.โ€

โ€œOh, all right,โ€ I said, โ€œIโ€™ll make the bed.โ€

And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

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Yo daddy is so dumb he sold his car for gas money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.

And now Iโ€™m paying for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You canโ€™t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

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Morals:

1. Money is not everything. Thereโ€™s also MasterCard & Visa.

2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So donโ€™t touch them.

6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

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Yes, money canโ€™t buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.

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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

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An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art dealer: โ€œI have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.โ€

Painter: โ€œWow! Whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

Art dealer: โ€œHe was your doctor.โ€

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A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.

The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.

The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.

The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.

The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, โ€œTicket please.โ€

They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.

On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.

The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.

The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, โ€œTicket please.โ€

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I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window.

I rolled it down and said, โ€œWhatโ€™s happening?โ€

He said, โ€œTerrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if theyโ€™re not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. Weโ€™re going from car to car collecting donations.โ€

โ€œHow much is everyone giving?โ€ I asked.

He said, โ€œAbout a gallon.โ€

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Did you hear about the $4,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?

The winner gets $4 a year for a million years.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.

So I pushed the guy over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?โ€

Akpos: โ€œ$10.โ€

Teacher: โ€œYou donโ€™t know maths.โ€

Akpos: โ€œYou donโ€™t know my father!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


HR: โ€œThis is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.โ€

Employee: โ€œDonโ€™t worry, Iโ€™m equally ashamed of it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Employee: โ€œYour careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?โ€

HR: โ€œThat means your salary will be competing with your bills.โ€

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