Enjoy our team's carefully selected Mom Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”
Friend 2: “How do you know?”
Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”
After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”
“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”
“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
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“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
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A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.
“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”
“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”
“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”
The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”
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Yo’ Mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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Yo’ Mama is so old, she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, an’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, an’ they all come a runnin.
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
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Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well I did it! Bank balance: 911!
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What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home it was toast!
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It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
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Yo’ mama is so ugly, her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
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Yo mama so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
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Your mama so stupid, she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Your mama so stupid, she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
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Your mama so stupid, she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voice mail.
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Your mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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Yo mama so small, she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
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Yo mama so small, she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
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Your mama so short, she has to hold a sign up that says, “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
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Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.
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Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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Your mama so short, people thought she was a Funko Pop.
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Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun sweat.
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Yo mama so hot, when she got into the Arctic ocean, it turned into a hot tub.
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Your mama so hot, when she visits Antarctica, locals call it summertime.
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Your mama so hot, rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
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Your mama so hot, her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Your mama so hot, scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
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Your mama so dumb, she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
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Your mama so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
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Your mama so dumb, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
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Your mama so dumb, she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
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Your mama so dumb, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
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Your mama so old, she farts dust!
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Your mama so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
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Your mama so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
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Your mama so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
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Your mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
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Your mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
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Yo mama so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back, she had on flip flops.
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Your mama so fat, she sat on a dollar and when she got up there was 4 quarters.
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Your mama so fat, when she gets on the scale it says, “to be continued.”
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Your mama so fat, she gets group insurance!
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Your mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge, she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
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Yo Mama's so disgusting, she keeps maggots as pets.
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Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
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Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
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At the family reunion.
Boy: “I’m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Good Day.”
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The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
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Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
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A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.
Reading his mom’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”
He said, “Well I doubt it, but l'll email her just to be sure!”
He sat down and wrote:
Dear mom,
After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you don’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love
Your son
Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love
Mom
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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
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Your momma so short, she takes a shower in a raindrop.
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Yo momma so short, she can’t say a thing without a microphone!
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Yo mama is so short, when she plays fortnite, she can hide under the freaking store.
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Your mama so short, she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
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Yo mama so short, she poses for trophies!
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Yo momma so hot, doctors say her blood type is lava.
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Your mama so hot, when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
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Your mama is so hot, I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
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Yo mama so hot, she makes jalapeños cry.
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Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry, the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
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Your mama is so dumb, when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
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Yo momma so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left”, so she went home.
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Yo momma is so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
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Yo mama so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
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Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
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Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
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Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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Yo mama is so ugly, that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
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Yo mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
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Your mama is so ugly, she made One Direction go another direction.
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Your momma so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks!
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Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.
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Yo momma is so stupid, when I said, “Drinks are on the house,” she got a ladder.
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Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
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Yo momma is so stupid, when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
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Yo Mama’s so stupid, she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
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Yo mama so stupid, I said, “Kool-Aid,” and she jumped through the wall.
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Yo mama’s so fat, when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
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Yo mama is so fat, that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
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Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”
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Yo momma so fat, she can’t reach her back pocket.
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Yo mama so fat, when she died, she broke the stairway to heaven.
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Yo mama so scary, you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
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Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
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