Enjoy our team's carefully selected Mom Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Friend 1: βI think my momβs getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.β
Friend 2: βHow do you know?β
Friend 1: βSheβs learning to drive a bulldozer.β
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Sunday school teacher: βTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?β
Johnny: βNo, maβam, I donβt have to. My momβs a good cook.β
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It was the first day of school.
Harryβs mother went into his bedroom and said, βCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.β
βBut I donβt want to go to school,β replied Harry, βI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?β
βBecause,β answered his mother, βyouβre a teacher!β
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The dad says, βA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.β
The kid replies, βI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!β
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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, βWhy is the bride dressed in white?β
The mother replied to the girl, βBecause white is the color of happiness and itβs the happiest day of her life today.β
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, βBut, then why is the groom wearing black?β
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.
She told me, βYou should tell it to walk instead.β
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My mom got the flu.
She said that it was like her nose went on strike.
I suggested, βYou should picket.β
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I told my dad I couldnβt believe Iβd failed my biology exam.
He said, βIβm your mum!β
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Mama always said βWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.β
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
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Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffleβhard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
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A small boy tells his mum that his dadβs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnβt believe him.
βYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,β she says.
βWell he did,β the boy replies, βand one of the animals paid us Β£50.β
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What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamβs ribs.
Later in the week, the boyβs mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, βMom, I have a pain in my sideβI think Iβm getting a wife.β
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
βMama, look what I found,β the boy called out.
βWhat have you got there, dear?β
With astonishment in the young boyβs voice, he answered, βI think itβs Adamβs underwear!β
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There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first moleβdaddy moleβwakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, βMmmmm... I smell bacon!β
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, βMmmmm... I smell pancakes!β
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, βAll I can smell is molasses!β
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A woman walks into the Social Workerβs office, trailed by 15 kids.
βWOW!β the social worker exclaims, βAre they ALL yours?β
βYeah, theyβre all mine,β the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, βSit down Terry.β All the children rush to find seats.
βWell,β says the social worker, βthen you must be here to sign up. Iβll need all your childrenβs names.β
βThis oneβs my oldest β he is Terry.β
βOK, and whoβs next?β
βWell, this one he is Terry, also.β
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
βAll right,β says the caseworker, βIβm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?β
Their Mother replied, βWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell βTerry!β, and when itβs time for dinner, I just yell βTerry!β, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid whoβs running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itβs the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.β
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, βBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?β
βI call them by their surnames.β
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Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
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What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
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What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Ketch-up!
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My mom is coming home after a work trip tonight, guess what I am getting?
I am getting yelled at.
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
βCome on, ketch-up!β
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A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didnβt even try to hide her dislike feelings for his sonβs choice.
βMom, can I escort Helen?β
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted βnoβ, she surprised hear.
βSure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!β
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
βWait a minute,β she said. βI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.β
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βMum, I just won this phone in a race!β
βWho was in the race?β
βThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyβre at the door to congratulate me.β
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At the family reunion.
Boy: βIβm here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I donβt have anything nice to say, I shouldnβt say anything at all. Good Day.β
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Son: βDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?β
Dad: βBecause your mother loves Roses.β
Son: βOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!β
Dad: βNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.β
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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says heβs probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
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Me: βGood night, kids!β
Kids: βGood night, dad!β
Me: βGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!β
Wife (through radio under the bed): βGood night!β
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βDad, did you ever fall in love?β
βYes, son. I did once.β
βAnd, what happened?β
βIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.β
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A child asked his father, βHow were people born?β
So his father said, βAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.β
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, βWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.β
The child ran back to his father and said, βYou lied to me!β
His father replied, βNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.β
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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
βGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.β
Her dad asked her, βWhy goodbye?β
βOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.β
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
βGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sallyβs grandma died.
That night, when Sally said βGood night Mom, goodbye Dadβ, Sallyβs dad began to panic. He knew this couldnβt just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
βOh, it was just awful!β she replied. βThe Milkman died!β
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Yo mommaβs cooking is so bad Jabba wouldnβt feed it to Salacious Crumb.
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Yo mommaβs so big when she tripped in Mos Eisley she landed in Mos Espa.
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Yo mama is so tall the Kaminoans had to look up to see her face.
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Yo mamaβs so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said βHey, who turned off the heat?β
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Yo mama so tall even Titans can look up her skirt.
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Yo mama so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning.
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Yo mama so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
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Yo mama so poor she chases after the garbage truck with a shopping list.
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Yo mama so tall she tripped in America and landed in Australia.
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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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Yo mommaβs so ugly they push her face in the dough to make Ugnaught cookies.
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Yo mamaβs so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbaccaβs cousin.
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Yo mamaβs back is so hairy it looks like sheβs giving Chewbacca a piggyback ride.
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Yo mommaβs so hairy she looks like she has two Ewoks in a headlock.
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Yo mamaβs so hairy that people run up to her and say βChewbacca, can I get your autograph?β.
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Yo mommaβs so ugly she makes a Gammorrean seem like an attractive date.
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Yo mamaβs so ugly that they didnβt give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars.
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Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip it looks like Ewoks having a party when she talks.
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Yo mommaβs so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said βITβS CHEWBACCA!β.
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Yo mammaβs so ugly Rancors look at her and go βDamn, dude, sheβs UGLY!β.
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Yo mommaβs so black when she turned to the dark side the Sith became Jedis.
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Yo mamaβs so flatulent that she forced the Mustafarians to wear masks!
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Yo mamaβs so hairy that when she was born she looked like Chewbacca!
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Yo mamaβs so ugly that Wuher said βWe donβt serve your kind hereβ.
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Yo momma so ugly she makes even The Rancor cry.
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Yo mammaβs so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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Yo mamma so hairy that Han Solo mistaken her for Chewbackaο»Ώ.
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Yo mama so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie.
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Yo momma so black she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.
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Yo mommaβs so smelly it would make a Hutt smell good.
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Yo momma is so smelly even Banthas want to run away from her as fast as possible.
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Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot took her picture.
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Yo mama so hairy she found herself in a cage at the zoo.
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Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
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Yo mama so ugly Freddy and his friends hide from her.
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Yo mama so ugly Forever Alone Guy denied her friend request.
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Yo mama so ugly the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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Yo mommaβs nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
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Yo mamaβs nose is so big she can smell a fart coming.
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Yo mamaβs nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
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Yo mamaβs breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
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Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.
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Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".
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Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
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Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.
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Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
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Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
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Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
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Yo mama so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
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Your momma so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection ducks!
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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
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Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
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Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
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Yo mommaβs so old she changed Yodaβs first diaper.
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Yo mama is so old she trained Yadaβs master in the force!
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Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noahβs Ark.
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Yo mama so old her first pet was from Jurassic Park.
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Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.
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Yo Mama is so old sheβs got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
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Your mama so old she farts dust!
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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
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Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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Your mama is so short she has to cuff her underwear.
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Your mamaβs so short that she can run track around the toilet!
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Your mamaβs so short that when I was dissinβ her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle.
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Your mamaβs so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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Your mamaβs so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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Your mamaβs so short that she can limbo under the door.
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Your mamaβs so short that her homies are the Keebler Elves.
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Your mamaβs so short during the election Donald Trump accidentally stepped on her and he thought he stepped on a brownieο»Ώ.
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Your mamaβs so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didnβt touch the ground.
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Your mamaβs so short she does backflips under the bed.
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Your mama so short she went under Trumpβs wallο»Ώ.
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Your mama so short she doesnβt need the door cause she can get through the mouse hole.
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Your mama so short when she got in the car she couldnβt reach the steering wheel.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
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Your mama is so small she hangs glides on a Doritos!
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Your mama so short you can see her feet on her driverβs license.
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Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
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Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says βDonβt spit, I canβt swimβ.
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
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Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.
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Yo momma so short she canβt say a thing without a microphone!
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Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.
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Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
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Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
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Yo mamaβs so dumb she thought a lightsaber has fewer calories!
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Yo mamaβs so dumb she thought that Jar Jar comes with pickles pickles.
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Yo mamaβs so dumb she wasnβt looking for the droids in the first place!
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Yo momma so dumb Jar Jar has a higher IQ than her.
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Yo momma so dumb she picked Jar Jar as her ambassador.
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Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
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Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
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Your mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!
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Your mama so dumb she watches βThe Three Stoogesβ and takes notes.
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Your mama so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
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Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
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Your mama is so dumb when dad said itβs chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
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Yo momma so dumb when yβall were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said βDisneyland leftβ so she went home.
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Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
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Yo mamaβs so stupid Kylo Ren couldnβt force read her mind!
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Yo mama so stupid Jar Jar questioned her existence!
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Yo mammaβs so stupid she thought Darth Maul was a place to shop.
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Yo mommaβs so stupid that she thinks Jar Jar is filled with Peanut Butter Peanut Butter!
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Yo mamma is so stupid she thought a red lightsaber was a red chili and ate it.
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Yo momma so stupid she thought parsec was a unit of time.
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Yo mama so stupid she went to Bangkok to get a TIE fighter!
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Yo mama so stupid that she thought Star Wars was a war for stars.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonaldβs drive-through sign she drove through the building.
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Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
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Yo mama so stupid the zombies walked past her because they didnβt smell any brains.
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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.
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Yo mamaβs so stupid she thought Fortnite was fork night.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to smell her own nose.
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Yo mamaβs so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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Yo mama so stupid when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Your mama so stupid she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
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Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
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Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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Yo momma is so stupid when I said βDrinks are on the houseβ she got a ladder.
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Yo mamaβs so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said βconcentrateβ.
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Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldnβt find the βCALLβ button.
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Yo Mamaβs so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
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Yo mama so stupid I said βKool-Aidβ and she jumped through the wall.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.
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Yo mommaβs so fat she carries her pet Bantha in her purse.
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Yo mommaβs so fat she dribbled the Death Star.
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Yo mommaβs so fat Yoda couldnβt use the Force to move her.
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Yo mommaβs so fat she could put Coruscant out of orbit.
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Yo momma is so fat you have to make two lightspeed jumps just to get on her good side.
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Yo mama so fat that they covered her and used her as a death star.
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Yo mama so fat that the Sarlaac Pit couldnβt eat her!
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Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.
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Yo momma is so fat she makes Jabba look like Calista Flockhart.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her.
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Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!
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Yo mammaβs so fat that the Sarlacc rejected her as dinner.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that even the Death Star couldnβt blow her up!
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Yo mama is so fat she did the Kessel run instantly because she is on both sides of it.
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Yo mama so fat and ugly she didnβt need a suit to play Jamba the Hutt.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that carbonite was encased in her.
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Yo mommaβs so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
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Yo mamaβs so fat and full of bush the Wookiees named their planet after her!
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Yo mammaβs so fat she canβt go to a spaceport because x-wings keep trying to land on her back.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that only half her body was able to come out frozen from the carbon freezing chamber in Cloud City.
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Yo mama so fat Obi-Wan Kenobi said βThatβs no moonβthatβs Yo mama!β.
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Yo mammaβs so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that even stormtroopers canβt miss her.
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Yo mamaβs so fat when Vader cut off her hand gravy would have come out had it not been cauterized by the lightsaber.
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Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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Yo mamaβs so fat Jabba the Hutt said βHargh!β.
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Yo mamaβs so flatulent that she forced the sand people out of a single file.
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Yo mama so fat she played basketball with the Death Star.
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Yo momβs so fat Luke couldnβt believe she wasnβt a moon!
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Yo mommaβs so fat the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.
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Yo mama so fat that Wedge Antilles said βLook at the size of that thing!β.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that she looks like Jabba the Hut before picture.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that the Kaminoans couldnβt use her as a host for clones since they couldnβt pierce her skin deep enough to draw blood.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that even the Death Star orbited her before Endor.
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Yo mammaβs so fat I thought sheβd have Princess Leia on a leash beside her.
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Yo momma so fat she prevents ships from going to hyperspace.
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Yo mamaβs so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!
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Yo mamaβs so fat that people on the Millenium Falcon keep saying βThatβs no moonβ.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that if she was thrown into the second Death Starβs reactor core, she could have blown up the entire Imperial fleet.
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Yo mamaβs so fat she blew up the Deathstar.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that the passengers of the Millenium Falcon mistook her for a small moon.
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Yo momma is so fat The Whole Death Star can use her as a protection shield.
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Yo mama so fat Rick and Morty thought her belly button was a portal to another dimension.
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Yo mama so fat when I saw her on Tinder, swiped left and she was still on the screen.
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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
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Yo mama so fat her belt is the equator.
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Yo mama so fat every time she took a step it caused an earthquake.
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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
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Yo mama so fat when she went to In-N-Out she couldnβt get in nor out.
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Yo mama so fat Naruto couldnβt make enough shadow clones to surround her.
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Yo mama so fat her splash attack does damage.
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Yo mama so fat every time she turns around itβs her birthday.
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Yo mama so fat Donald Trump used her as the border wall.
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Yo mama so fat she wakes up on both sides of the bed.
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Yo mama so fat when she sat on the iPod she made the iPad!
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone sheβs in.
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Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldnβt even force choke her.
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Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise.
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Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.
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Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.
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Yo mama so fat Cupidβs arrows couldnβt pierce her.
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Yo mama so fat the horse on her polo shirt is real.
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Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out βtaxi!β.
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Yo mama so fat her school pictures were taken by a satellite.
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Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
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Yo mama so fat not even Superman can lift her.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and itβs still printing.
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Yo mama so fat when she lands in Fortnite she gets a Victory Royale.
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Yo mamaβs so fat she crashed the Fortnite servers.
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Yo mamaβs so fat not even a ninja could carry her in a Fortnite battle.
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Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washingtonβs nose.
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Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
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Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.
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Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says βto be continuedβ.
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Your mama so fat she gets group insurance!
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Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
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Yo mamaβs so fat when she fell I didnβt laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
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Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, βI need your weight, not your phone number.β
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Yo momma so fat she canβt reach her back pocket.
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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
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Yo mamaβs so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
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Yo mamaβs appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.
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Yo mama so hot when she got into the Arctic Ocean it turned into a hot tub.
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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Your mama so hot rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Your mama so hot scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
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Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.
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Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
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Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
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Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeΓ±os cry.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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What is the 7th pin in bowling called?
Mother-In-Law!
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, βHoney thereβs a witch at the door. What shall I do?β
She shouted back, βJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.β
My mother-in-law hasnβt spoken to me since.
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What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
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Why do birds fly south for the fall?
Because itβs quicker than walking.
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What dog canβt bark?
A hot dog.
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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What do you give an alien?
Some space!
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which is the most feminine candy?
itβs Hershey!
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What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
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What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunar-tick!
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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
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What kind of nut doesnβt have a shell?
A donut.
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How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
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Why donβt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
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Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
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What did one flea say to the other?
βShall we walk or take the cat?β
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Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
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What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
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Whatβs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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Why havenβt aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.
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What do you call a sausage whoβs been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
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How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
In floats.
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How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
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What is a monsterβs favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
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What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
Youβre cool!
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What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When itβs a snowmanβs nose!
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Whatβs the best thing about having a big nose?
Youβre the first to know when dinnerβs ready!
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Whatβs black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
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Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
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Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, βWhat flavors do you have?β
The attendant says, βOver there on the signs on the wall, youβll see them all.β
Client goes, βEhm, well Iβll have a cone with two scoops of βMondays Closedβ.β
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A man went to the doctor and said, βI think I am upside down.β
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, βBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.β
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Patient: βDoctor, doctor! I see double!β
Doctor: βSit on the chair please.β
Patient: βWhich one?β
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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, βNo, just until the end of June.β
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A woman asks a waiter, βWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!β
The waiter says, βShivering, madam.β
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Pizza Man: βDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?β
Customer: βYou better make it six. I donβt think I can eat eight.β
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonβt let me sleep in class.
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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Daisy: βWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneβs blue, but the other is green.β
Little Johnny: βIβm not sure. Itβs weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.β
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My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.
He said, βEnjoy the HOLE donut!β
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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, βThatβs because I use both my nostrils.β
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Little Johnny yells upstairs: βDad, thereβs a salesman here with a mustache.β
βTell him Iβve got one.β
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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDonut.β
βDonut, who?β
βDonut ask, itβs a secret!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βMikey.β
βMikey, who?β
βMikey doesnβt work, can you let me in?β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream every time I see a ghost!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream if you donβt let me in!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWater.β
βWater, who?β
βWater you waiting for... Letβs get out the ice cream!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βSpell.β
βSpell, who?β
βOkay, okay: W. H. O.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βSomebody too short to ring the doorbell!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCash.β
βCash, who?β
βNo thanks, but Iβd love some peanuts.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βInterrupting cow.β
βInterrup...β
βMoooooooo!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βTank.β
βTank, who?β
βYouβre welcome!β
π π π
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:
βAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?β
π π π
Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafΓ©.
Heather says, βI got my ultrasound done yesterday. Iβm pregnant with triplets!β
βI got mine done yesterday too,β says Linda. βIβm pregnant with septuplets!β
βI think Iβll get my ultrasound done next week,β says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, βI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was βThe Three Little Pigsβ.β
βI got Disney+ last month too,β says Linda. βThe first movie I watched on it was βSnow White and the Seven Dwarfsβ.β When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
βItβs okay if you donβt have Disney+,β says Heather.
βI do have it,β says Martha. βItβs just that the first movie I watched on it was β101 Dalmatiansβ.β
π π π
A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
π π π
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray βTake only one, God is watchingβ.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, βTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.β
π π π
Little Johnnyβs kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
βYes,β said the policeman. βThe detectives want very badly to capture him.β
Little Johnny asked, βWhy didnβt you keep him when you took his picture?β
π π π
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each childβs artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, βIβm drawing God.β
The teacher paused and said, βBut no one knows what God looks like.β
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, βThey will in a minute.β
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βDad, I donβt want to go to school today,β said the boy.
βWhy not, son?β
βWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.β
βBut why donβt you want to go today?β
βBecause our English teacher died yesterday!β
π π π
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, βWhere is God?β
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, βWhere is God?β
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, βWhatβs wrong?β
The crying boy replied, βWeβre in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!β
π π π
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
βGotta take the gouda with the bad.β
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The child was a typical four-year-old girlβcute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
βNow do you understand?β he asked.
βI think so,β she said. βThat was when Mommy came to work for us?β
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When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my sonβs corn flakes.
Heβs never talked to me again.
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A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatβs wrong.
She says, βBill proposed to me an hour ago.β
Her mother asks, βWhy are you so sad then?β
The girl replies, βBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnβt even believe thereβs a hell.β
Her mother says, βMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weβll show him how wrong he is.β
π π π
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, βWhat is this, Father?β
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, βSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donβt know what it is.β
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, βSon, go get your mother.β
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