Military Jokes



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Military Jokes


A man called 911 regarding a fly problem.

They sent a SWAT team.

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase β€œSecure the building”.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

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One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.

The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.

The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.

After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn’t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the β€œYou didn’t see anything” talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.

The Air Force fuels up the man’s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

The next day, the man’s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.

When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.

As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, β€œDo whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!”

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don’t know to whom that leg belonged.

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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.

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The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.

The first man walked in, gave his name and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.

He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.

The newcomer said to the first guy, β€œWell, I guess we’re in the Marine Corps now!”

The first guy said, β€œSon, lemme tell you about the old Corps.”

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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, β€œI need to get up and get a Coke.”

β€œDon’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, β€œI’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, β€œThat looks good, I’d really like one, too.”

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

β€œWhy does it have to be this way?” he asked. β€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”

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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, β€œMan, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, β€œI can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, β€œHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, β€œYou know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, β€œI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.”

The Marine replies, β€œYou’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, β€œYour turn!”

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine and says, β€œNahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

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What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?

Half a sentry.

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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

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Who was the funniest person in George Washington’s army?

Laughayette.

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Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?

He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.

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What do the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force.

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Why are they called the armed forces?

Because it’s hard to fight a war with just your legs.

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Sergeant: β€œI didn’t see you at camouflage training.”

Private: β€œThank you, sir!”

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While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer β€œYes”.

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, β€œYes, what?”

Instantly the machine replied, β€œYes, sir!”

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My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

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My wife was talking about funeral plans.

My Wife: β€œI said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”

Me: β€œI was in the Air Force.”

My Wife: β€œOK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”

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Yo mama is so old she trained Yada’s master in the force!

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The military was standing outside my house, guess what I did?

I-ran.

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