Message Jokes



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Message Jokes


A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.

Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

The salesman replied, โ€œI failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.โ€

โ€œWhy is that?โ€ asked the friend. โ€œI thought you had a good campaign running.โ€

โ€œWell, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problemโ€”I didnโ€™t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.

Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldnโ€™t go anywhere without seeing them.โ€

โ€œTerrific! That should have worked!โ€ said the friend.

โ€œIt should have,โ€ sighed the salesman. โ€œOnly no one told me they read from right to leftโ€ฆโ€

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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.

Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.โ€œTu ti, tu tututu.โ€

The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.

After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.

The president eventually calls again and says, โ€œHello. Tu ti, tu tututu.โ€

The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.

The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the presidentโ€™s room.

When the specialist returned, he explained. โ€œAll the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.โ€

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.

When asked to define โ€œgreatโ€, he said, โ€œI want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!โ€

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her, โ€œTips to cook delicious food.โ€

And then she asked me why I was crying.

I answered, โ€œI have reached where they are cutting onions.โ€

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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered by Medicare

FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

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Iโ€™m whatsapping someone in front of Mark Zuckerberg. He asked me who I was texting.

Can I reply with, โ€œItโ€™s none of your business?โ€

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How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By norse code.

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A man placed an ad online saying โ€œWife wantedโ€.

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying โ€œYou can have mineโ€.

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, โ€œChange your course, 10 degrees west.โ€

The light signals back, โ€œChange yours, 10 degrees east.โ€

The captain gets a little annoyed.

He signals, โ€œIโ€™m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.โ€

The light signals back, โ€œIโ€™m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.โ€

Now the captain is mad.

He signals, โ€œIโ€™m an aircraft carrier. Iโ€™m not changing my course.โ€

The light signals back a final message, โ€œIโ€™m a lighthouse. Your call.โ€

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My bank has a new feature where theyโ€™ll text you your bank balance. I think itโ€™s pretty cool.

I just donโ€™t think they should end the text with โ€œLOLโ€, though.

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Itโ€™s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away.

Especially when your name is Lol.

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Dating me is fun until I send you 50 texts a day asking if you still like me.

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A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client.

After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesnโ€™t come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer tells his client to go home, and heโ€™ll let him know as soon as the verdict comes in.

The client goes home but pesters the lawyer every hour or so by text message for an update (of which there is none, of course).

Finally, the jury comes back with a verdict in the clientโ€™s favor.

Still sitting in the courtroom, the lawyer texts his client, โ€œJustice has been served.โ€

The client shoots right back, โ€œAppeal immediately!โ€

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I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if he had any good cheating tips.

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After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted Earth.

They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

โ€œHello, people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planetโ€™s extended warranty.โ€

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I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but the client was having technical issues.

The client texted and said, โ€œPlease bare with me.โ€

Thought it was an odd request, but heโ€™s the client.

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Some people wake up finding messages like โ€œGood morning babyโ€.

I wake up with โ€œBattery full, Remove chargerโ€.

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The other day my friend messaged by saying, โ€œBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ€

I told him to combine them.

He replied, โ€œYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ€

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One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominoโ€™s Pizza:

Customer: โ€œYoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, itโ€™s just bread!โ€

Dominoโ€™s: โ€œWeโ€™re sorry to hear about this.โ€

Customer (minutes later): โ€œNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...โ€

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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his dayโ€™s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.

Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

โ€œDebits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window.โ€

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

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