Enjoy our team's carefully selected Medical Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
😄 😄 😄
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
😄 😄 😄
The customer gets a topical cream.
Direction: Apply locally two times a day.
The customer says to the pharmacist, “I can’t apply locally, I’m going overseas.”
😄 😄 😄
Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
😄 😄 😄
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!
“Oh really?” The doctor says.
“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”
“I see,” the doctor says.
“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”
“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.
It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”
After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”
😄 😄 😄
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
😄 😄 😄
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
😄 😄 😄
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
😄 😄 😄
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
😄 😄 😄
The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”
He says, “Doctors orders.”
“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”
“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”
😄 😄 😄
Lady says to pharmacist, “Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?”
Pharmacist replies, “Cause that’s all we’ve documented so far.”
😄 😄 😄
A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”
And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
😄 😄 😄
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
😄 😄 😄
Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”
Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”
😄 😄 😄
What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
😄 😄 😄
Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.
A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she’s looking for.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don’t know what kind he uses.”
“Is it the ball type?”
“No,” she replied. “It’s for his armpits.”
😄 😄 😄
One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.
Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.
“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.
The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.
“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
😄 😄 😄
An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
😄 😄 😄
Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?
It’s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you’re up to something.
So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don’t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.
But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
😄 😄 😄
My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my “phacist”.
😄 😄 😄
I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
😄 😄 😄
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”
The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”
The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”
The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
😄 😄 😄
Blonde enters the pharmacy.
“Do you have a pregnancy test?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Are questions hard?”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife mentioned that she couldn’t remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication.
I asked if she was worried about it.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
😄 😄 😄
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
😄 😄 😄
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
😄 😄 😄
If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.
But he told me it was all in my head.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.
😄 😄 😄
For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
😄 😄 😄
I was always told you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself.
I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication.
😄 😄 😄
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.
😄 😄 😄
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
😄 😄 😄
This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
😄 😄 😄
I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn’t great...
But the percs are amazing!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
😄 😄 😄
Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
😄 😄 😄
My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
😄 😄 😄
Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
😄 😄 😄
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
😄 😄 😄
A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.
He asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any Cepacol lozenges? I’m a little hoarse.”
😄 😄 😄
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
😄 😄 😄
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?
A FARM-ASSIST.
😄 😄 😄
How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?
You might wake the sleeping pills.
😄 😄 😄
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
😄 😄 😄
A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.
Mary: “Wow, that is some cold you have, Liz.”
Liz: “Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.”
Mary: “Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle on my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you’ll be fine. Here ya go.”
Liz: “Thanks, I’ll give it a try.”
The next day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air, and kicking her legs out.
Mary: “Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?”
Liz: “Oh No, I still don’t feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.”
😄 😄 😄
A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.
He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”
The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”
“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.
The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.
😄 😄 😄
They say laughter is the best medicine.
I guess your face can cure the world.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what my doctor told me?
Laughter is the best medicine. I guess you bring the smile to my face.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what the doctor just told me?
I need some sunshine so that’s why I got you to brighten my day.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sure you could donate blood to me because you’re just my type!
😄 😄 😄
I think I am going to need knee surgery.
Every day I am with you, I fall for you all over again.
😄 😄 😄
I think you are suffering...
From a lack of vitamin me.
😄 😄 😄
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
😄 😄 😄
Call me a dentist, because you are too sweet.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not an organ donor, but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
😄 😄 😄
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The Pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”
😄 😄 😄
A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student.
“Well, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,” replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.”
😄 😄 😄
There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, “Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?”
He replies, “Oh, we don’t close on Sunday.”
Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.
The next day—Sunday—the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.
Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.
“Hey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?”
The pharmacist looks at the man and says, “Well, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!”
😄 😄 😄
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”
😄 😄 😄
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
😄 😄 😄
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
😄 😄 😄
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
😄 😄 😄
A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”
“How do I know which to choose?” she asked.
“That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened, and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over, and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was OK. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.
“Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”
The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris died yesterday.
No worries, he’s much better already.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
😄 😄 😄
When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.
😄 😄 😄
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child complied, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
😄 😄 😄
I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.
A woman turned to me and said, “Oh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?”.
I replied no, but that’s my pizza!
😄 😄 😄
What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
😄 😄 😄
What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
😄 😄 😄
A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll take a blood sample.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”
Cop: “All right, just walk this white line.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I’m drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
😄 😄 😄
Why do diabetics always have nightmares?
They can’t have sweet dreams.
😄 😄 😄
What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
😄 😄 😄
What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t diabetics have vengeance?
Because vengeance is sweet.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
😄 😄 😄
I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
😄 😄 😄
A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
😄 😄 😄
I might have gotten the flu in China.
Well, WHO cares?
😄 😄 😄
A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
😄 😄 😄
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
But the virus was as fast as lightning.
😄 😄 😄
As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
😄 😄 😄
You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
😄 😄 😄
The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks, “How did you get here?”
The man answers, “Flu.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
I became ill after taking self-defense classes.
I think I caught Kung Flu.
😄 😄 😄
When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
😄 😄 😄
The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
😄 😄 😄
What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
😄 😄 😄
They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
😄 😄 😄
What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
😄 😄 😄
How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
😄 😄 😄
As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
😄 😄 😄
Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
😄 😄 😄
Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!
The flu.
😄 😄 😄
Friend: “Where were you?”
Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”
Friend: “Flu?”
Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”
😄 😄 😄
The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
😄 😄 😄
What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
😄 😄 😄
My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
😄 😄 😄
The phone rang in the principal’s office.
Principal: “Hello?”
Caller: “Umm, yes, hi, my son won’t be coming to school today because he’s got the flu.”
Principal: “OK, and who may I ask is speaking?”
Caller: “Umm, my dad.”
😄 😄 😄
When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
😄 😄 😄
A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
😄 😄 😄
“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
😄 😄 😄
John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”
“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”
😄 😄 😄
They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
😄 😄 😄
Outbreak: New strain of bird flu discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
It’s untweetable.
😄 😄 😄
The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
😄 😄 😄
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
😄 😄 😄
A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
😄 😄 😄
A 911 operator gets a call.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks.
“I’m smoking,” replied a middle-aged woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you shouldn’t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?”
Woman: “Yeah.”
“Well, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“I swear to god, if it’s that woman, I’m going to have a seizure,” the operator mumbles under his breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Excuse me, but you know it’s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,” he hangs up the phone.
It rings again, with the same number.
The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DON’T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”
Woman: “Sorry, but...”
Operator: “NO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!”
“Yes, I do.”
“What is it, then?!”
“I’m on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
😄 😄 😄
A terrified mother called 911.
“Help me!” she said. “My son just swallowed a fork!”
The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.
“What should I do until it arrives?” the mother asked him.
Operator: “Use a spoon.”
😄 😄 😄
Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.
The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.
The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.
The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead.
There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.
“Okay, he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.
😄 😄 😄
A guy calls 911 and says, “I need an ambulance, my wife fell down and can’t get up.”
The operator says, “Ok, sir. I’m afraid our GPS is down, so I’m going to need you to give me your street address.”
The guy replies, “We live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.”
The operator responds, “Could you please spell that for me, sir?”
The guy pauses and says, “You know what, I’m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.”
😄 😄 😄
A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.
“Don’t worry, sir,” reassured the dispatcher. “Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.”
“How long will the ambulance be?” the man asked.
“About eighteen feet,” replied the dispatcher.
😄 😄 😄
An orchestra conductor calls 911, “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
😄 😄 😄
The phone rang at my work.
My boss asked, “Why don’t you answer it?”
I said, “I’ll let it ring for a while. That way they’ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.”
My boss shouted, “ANSWER IT NOW!”
I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s the emergency?”
😄 😄 😄
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.
As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.
When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.
He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”
😄 😄 😄
My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.
The revelation really came out of the blue.
😄 😄 😄
What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
😄 😄 😄
The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.
😄 😄 😄
My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.
😄 😄 😄
She nailed the surgery.
But she’s still having a few screws loose.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?
Hip-late.
😄 😄 😄
How did the hip bone feel after surgery?
Absolutely joint-ful!
😄 😄 😄
When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
😄 😄 😄
How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a joint vacation.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
😄 😄 😄
What did one hip replacement say to the other?
“You crack me up!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?
Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
😄 😄 😄
My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
😄 😄 😄
So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
“Who are you?” the guy asks.
“I’m your hip replacement.”
😄 😄 😄
I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play “Doctor”.
So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.
😄 😄 😄
A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that I was really sweet.
Well, her exact words were “severely diabetic”, but I know what she meant. I got the hint.
😄 😄 😄
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
😄 😄 😄
Registered nurse: “Sorry for the wait!”
Man: “It’s alright, I’m patient.”
😄 😄 😄
To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
😄 😄 😄
Why should you always be kind to registered nurses?
Remember that they choose your catheter size.
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
What do elves and registered nurses have in common?
They both do all the work and one guy in an oversized coat gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
😄 😄 😄
How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?
To take care of high blood pressure.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
😄 😄 😄
My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.
So I didn’t open his bills.
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that.”
Counselor: “Is it the relations?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”
Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”
Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”
Counselor: “Well, why is that?”
Man: “To you, I can complain!”
😄 😄 😄
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
😄 😄 😄
Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
😄 😄 😄
Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
😄 😄 😄
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.
She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
😄 😄 😄
If you’re stressed, try ironing clothes.
It’s a great way to let off some steam.
😄 😄 😄
When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.
😄 😄 😄
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?
Because they can teach fine motor skills.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
😄 😄 😄
Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?
To the Cairo-practor.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?
When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a fat ghost’s biggest fear of physical therapists?
Being exercised.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?
They’ll always stab you in the back.
😄 😄 😄
What killed the painter?
He had too many strokes.
😄 😄 😄
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art dealer: “I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.”
Painter: “Wow! What’s the bad news?”
Art dealer: “He was your doctor.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been watching this anime about dentists. But it’s been getting boring.
I’m a little tired of the filler episodes.
😄 😄 😄
I’m a bipolar Star Trek fan.
I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
Social Security.
😄 😄 😄
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the most common disease in HR departments?
Staff infections.
😄 😄 😄
What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
😄 😄 😄
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So, in other words,” the lawyer said, “when you signed the death certificate, you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor, “at that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”
😄 😄 😄
A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.
He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.
“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.
The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.
“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”
The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.
“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”
He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”
“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
😄 😄 😄
I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
😄 😄 😄
It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
😄 😄 😄
They’re vaccinating against bird flu again.
Call it a rooster shot.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
😄 😄 😄
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
😄 😄 😄
If bats could talk, what would they say about the coronavirus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!
😄 😄 😄
Why did America fail to save the world from coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
😄 😄 😄
