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Jokes: Medical Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Medical Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Medical Jokes


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.

“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”

“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.

“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?

A FARM-ASSIST.

😄 😄 😄


How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, “Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?”

He replies, “Oh, we don’t close on Sunday.”

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next day — Sunday — the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.

Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.

“Hey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?”

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, “Well, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!”

😄 😄 😄


Blonde enters the pharmacy.

“Do you have pregnancy test?”

“Yes, we do.”

“Are questions hard?”

😄 😄 😄


A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves, and comes back the next day.

“Do ya seh cahot juys?”

😄 😄 😄


Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.

😄 😄 😄


Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?

You might wake the sleeping pills.

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor! I see double!”

“Sit on the chair please.”

“Which one?”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes into the doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”

And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”

And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”

Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Well, stop going to those places then.

😄 😄 😄


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

😄 😄 😄


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.

“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”

“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

😄 😄 😄


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

😄 😄 😄


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.

She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”

😄 😄 😄


Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.

Mary: “Wow, that is some cold you have, Liz.”

Liz: “Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.”

Mary: “Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you’ll be fine. Here ya go.”

Liz: “Thanks, I’ll give it a try.”

Next Day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air and kicking her legs out.

Mary: “Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?”

Liz: “Oh No, I still don’t feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.”

😄 😄 😄


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

😄 😄 😄


A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”

The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”

“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.

Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.

😄 😄 😄


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks.

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

😄 😄 😄


Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!

😄 😄 😄


Your mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

😄 😄 😄


In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

😄 😄 😄


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

😄 😄 😄


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

😄 😄 😄


A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”

“Why not?”

“Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”

😄 😄 😄


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Great! I never could before!”

😄 😄 😄


Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”

Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”

😄 😄 😄


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”

Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”

Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”

Pharmacist: “WHAT?”

Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!”

Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”

Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”

Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”

😄 😄 😄


Yo momma so hot, doctors say her blood type is lava.

😄 😄 😄


Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”

Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”

😄 😄 😄





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