Marriage Jokes



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Marriage Jokes


A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasnโ€™t very good, they got along very well.

One day, he rushes into a lawyerโ€™s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.

Lawyer: โ€œHave you any grounds?โ€

Polish man: โ€œYes, an acre and half and a nice little home.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œNo, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?โ€

Polish man: โ€œItโ€™s made of concrete.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œI donโ€™t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?โ€

Polish man: โ€œNo, we have a carport, and not need one.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œI mean, what are your relations like?โ€

Polish man: โ€œAll my relations are still in Poland.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œIs there any infidelity in your marriage?โ€

Polish man: โ€œWe have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œDoes your wife beat you up?โ€

Polish man: โ€œNo, I always get up before her.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œWhy do you want this divorce?โ€

Polish man: โ€œSheโ€™s going to kill me.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œWhat makes you think that?โ€ Polish man: โ€œIโ€™ve got proof.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œWhat kind of proof?โ€

Polish man: โ€œSheโ€™s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.โ€

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently, youโ€™re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.

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Marri-Age and Old-Age

Relative: โ€œYou are getting old. You should get married now.โ€

Me: โ€œWill that stop aging?โ€

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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.

One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.

The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, โ€œI hear you are 102!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the old man with a smile.

โ€œWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!โ€

โ€œThank you,โ€ said the old man humbly.

โ€œDo you mind if I ask...โ€

โ€œHow am I this healthy at my age?โ€ finished the old man. โ€œHelp me carry this wood back home, and Iโ€™ll tell you.โ€

The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.

โ€œYou see,โ€ said the old man, โ€œIโ€™ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, Iโ€™ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! Thatโ€™s why Iโ€™m in the great shape I am.โ€

โ€œBut if thatโ€™s the case,โ€ said the puzzled visitor, โ€œhow come your wife is in such great shape too?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ smiled the old man, โ€œshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.โ€

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Why did the dyslexic couple learn karate?

They tried to get some marital counselling but ended up with martial training.

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Whatโ€™s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.

But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.

On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.

Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.

The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.

She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.

The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.

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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didnโ€™t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her โ€œmy darlingโ€.

But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.ย 

At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.ย 

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, โ€œMy darling, I love you! Will you marry me?โ€ย 

And the lady said, โ€œPardon?โ€

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A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, โ€œThis is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. Iโ€™ll be your wife.โ€

The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.

Counselor: โ€œHoney, are you not happy in our marriage?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Counselor: โ€œIs it the relations?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, is it the way I treat you?โ€

Man: โ€œNope. Definitely canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, โ€œI donโ€™t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why donโ€™t you bring her with you?โ€

Man: โ€œNo, that wonโ€™t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, why is that?โ€

Man: โ€œTo you, I can complain!โ€

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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter, honey?โ€ she asks. โ€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ€

Her husband looks up at her, โ€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, โ€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โ€˜You either marry her or Iโ€™ll put you in jail for 20 years!โ€™?โ€

โ€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ€ she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โ€œItโ€™s just... I would have been out today.โ€

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Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

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I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

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Morals:

1. Money is not everything. Thereโ€™s also MasterCard & Visa.

2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So donโ€™t touch them.

6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

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โ€œHow long has your unit been broken?โ€ says the specialist.

โ€œTwo weeks,โ€ says the customer.

โ€œWhy did you wait so long?โ€ says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.โ€

โ€œMy in-laws were here,โ€ said the customer. โ€œThey wanted to stay for a month.โ€

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Why should you marry an Egyptian woman?

They make great mummies.

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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1. Crimes

2. Accidents

3. Marriages

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Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.

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Marriage is love.

Love is blind.

Marriage is an institution.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

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There are 3 types of rings common to the Millennial marriage:

the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and tindering.

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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

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Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

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Whatโ€™s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

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Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

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