Manchester United Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Manchester United Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Manchester United Jokes

How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven. One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out.

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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

The Man U bus has more pricks.

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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”

“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.

St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.

“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”

“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”

“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”

“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”

“Hmmm. Anything else?”

“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”

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Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10.

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is:

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

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Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”

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