Jokes on Man



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Man Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Man Jokes


Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?

It wanted to be a Roman-tic.

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An Indian walks into a cafรฉ with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œSure chief, coming right up.โ€

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œWhoa, Tonto. Weโ€™re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?โ€

The Indian smiles and proudly says, โ€œMe in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.โ€

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โ€œI love you,โ€ I said. โ€œDo you love me too?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ my wife replied.

Me: โ€œOn a scale of 1-10 that sounds about right.โ€

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Funniest Jokes About Men of All Time



A guy walks into a pharmacy: โ€œI have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like Iโ€™m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?โ€

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

โ€œGive me a couple of steaks,โ€ he says.

โ€œWeโ€™re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,โ€ says the butcher.

โ€œHot dogs and chicken?!โ€ yells the hunter. โ€œHow can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!โ€

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A man walks into a barbershop and asks, โ€œHow much for a haircut?โ€

โ€œTwelve dollars,โ€ says the barber.

โ€œAnd for a shave?โ€

โ€œTen dollars.โ€

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the man, settling into the barber chair. โ€œShave my head.โ€

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A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Priest: โ€œDonโ€™t drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ€

Priest: โ€œHe will also go to hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œOK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ€

Priest: โ€œShe too will go to hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œIn that case, I have no problem going to hell.โ€

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Weโ€™ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth.

Thatโ€™s right. Iโ€™ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โ€œDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ€

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

โ€œDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ€

The little boy nodded yes.

โ€œSo,โ€ the coach continued, โ€œIโ€™m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโ€™t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ€

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, โ€œAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโ€™s not good sportsmanship to call your coach โ€œa worthless idiotโ€ is it?โ€ Again the little boy nodded.

โ€œGood,โ€ said the coach. โ€œNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ€

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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

โ€œWho is it?โ€ a passenger asks the captain.

โ€œI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.โ€

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It was the first day of school.

Harryโ€™s mother went into his bedroom and said, โ€œCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ€

โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to go to school,โ€ replied Harry, โ€œI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ answered his mother, โ€œyouโ€™re a teacher!โ€

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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Outโ€ instead?โ€

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A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

โ€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ€ The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, โ€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ€ He says.

โ€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ€

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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

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The dad says, โ€œA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ€

The kid replies, โ€œI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ€

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โ€œMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ€

โ€œIs this her first child?โ€ the doctor responds.

The man replies, โ€œNo! This is her husband!โ€

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Hilarious Short Jokes on Men



The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, โ€œIโ€™ve got to take you in, sir. Youโ€™re obviously drunk.โ€

The wasted wino asked, โ€œOfficer, are ya absolutely sure Iโ€™m drunk?โ€

Yeah, buddy, Iโ€™m sure,โ€ said the copper. โ€œLetโ€™s go.โ€

Obviously relieved, the wino said, โ€œThatโ€™s a reliefโ€”I thought I was a cripple.โ€

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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

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The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon.

โ€œWell,โ€ he said, โ€œit could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadnโ€™t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it.โ€

โ€œAnd he won?โ€ I said.

โ€œWell, no,โ€ he mumbled. โ€œThe coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat.โ€

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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

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Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

โ€œHe must be up to something,โ€ he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

โ€œHow did he recover so quickly?โ€ Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.

Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.

โ€œHow can this be?!โ€ Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, โ€œWhat are you doing here, Joker?!โ€

And he replies, โ€œIโ€™m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!โ€

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A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโ€™s face.

โ€œWhat did you do that for?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ€

The man says, โ€œNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ€

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

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Coach: โ€œYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ€

Football Player: โ€œCoach, It is just not true!โ€

Coach: โ€œWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ€

Football player: โ€œCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ€

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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, โ€œOh, nothing. Itโ€™s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ€

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โ€œGee, I never knew you played football.โ€

I said, โ€œWell, I donโ€™t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ€

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, โ€œDidnโ€™t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?โ€

The businessman replies, โ€œThatโ€™s the accountant weโ€™re looking for.โ€

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A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While heโ€™s waiting a friend sees him and asks what heโ€™s doing.

โ€œIโ€™m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,โ€ Says the idiot.

โ€œNo wonder people call you an idiot,โ€ says the friend. โ€œHow do you know itโ€™s not coming in from the other gate?โ€

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A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.

All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.

โ€œForty-three,โ€ says one. General hilarity.

โ€œTwo hundred and threeโ€, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.

โ€œThree hundred and twenty-nine,โ€ says a third.

The newcomer decides to try his hand.

โ€œNinety-oneโ€, he ventures. Total silence.

He tries again, โ€œThree hundred and one.โ€ Not a titter.

โ€œForty-two.โ€ A deadly hush.

Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.

โ€œNothing,โ€ he says. โ€œItโ€™s just the way you tell them.โ€

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A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โ€œHoney thereโ€™s a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ€

She shouted back, โ€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ€

My mother-in-law hasnโ€™t spoken to me since.

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At the family reunion.

Boy: โ€œIโ€™m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I donโ€™t have anything nice to say, I shouldnโ€™t say anything at all. Good Day.โ€

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

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A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, โ€œWell what about your friend Clyde?โ€

The man replied, โ€œWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโ€™t looking?โ€

โ€œNo, I guess not,โ€ replied his wife.

The man said, โ€œNeither would Clyde.โ€

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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, โ€œIf you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!โ€

โ€œWhat do you think we are, stupid?โ€ Declan replied, โ€œWeโ€™ll send our

man at night!โ€

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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, โ€œI canโ€™t get the mower to start!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s because you have to curse to get it started,โ€ says the man.

โ€œIโ€™m a man of the cloth. I donโ€™t even remember how to curse.โ€

โ€œYou keep pulling on that rope, and itโ€™ll come back to you.โ€

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Funny Bad Jokes of Men



An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

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โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandโ€™s key in the door.

โ€œStay where you are,โ€ she said. โ€œHeโ€™s so drunk he wonโ€™t even notice youโ€™re in bed with me.โ€

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, โ€œHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œNonsense,โ€ said the wife. โ€œYouโ€™re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.โ€

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, โ€œOne, two, three, four. Youโ€™re right, you know.โ€

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

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A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesnโ€™t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: โ€œWhat are you waiting for?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œAutumn.โ€

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One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

โ€œCould you taste this for me, please?โ€ asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.

โ€œDoes that taste sweet to you?โ€ says Seamus.

โ€œNo, not at all,โ€ says the pharmacist.

โ€œOh thatโ€™s a relief,โ€ says Seamus. โ€œDoctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.โ€

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of

feminine product for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl says confused, โ€œSir, I thought you were looking for some

feminine product for your wife?โ€

He answers, โ€œYou see, itโ€™s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโ€™s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ€

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An Iranian on taking revenge on America:

โ€œAmerica has no hero that we can target. Itโ€™s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?โ€

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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isnโ€™t wearing his watch.

A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.

The American approaches the Mexican and asks, โ€œExcuse me, do you know what time is?โ€

The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, โ€œ4:30.โ€

The American asks, โ€œHow do you know that?โ€

The Mexican replies, โ€œWell you get a handful of the donkeyโ€™s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.โ€

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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, โ€œGod, how could you do this to me?โ€

And a voice from the heavens responded, โ€œTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโ€™t recognize you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a petrol station and says, โ€œCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?โ€

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

โ€œNo,โ€ says the man, โ€œI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled โ€œThe Milky Bars are on me!โ€, people just cheered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to a church menโ€™s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, โ€œHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.โ€

โ€œTo which Joe replies, โ€œChocolate sausage.โ€

This gets everyoneโ€™s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, โ€œThis doesnโ€™t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..โ€

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, โ€œThe horse was named Chocolate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

โ€œSon,โ€ said the man, โ€œeating too much candy isnโ€™t good for you.โ€

โ€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ€ Johnny replies.

โ€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œHe minded his own damn business!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, โ€œIโ€™m God, looks like you were wrong about me.โ€

Nietzsche replies, โ€œNot at all. If youโ€™re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruitโ€™s face and said, โ€œIโ€™ll bet youโ€™re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, arenโ€™t you?โ€

And the recruit says, โ€œNo, sir! When I get out of the army Iโ€™m never gonna stand in another line again!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: โ€œHello Sir, can I take your order?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, Iโ€™d like a male hot fudge sundae please.โ€

Parlor: โ€œIโ€™m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, with nuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but canโ€™t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, โ€œDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.โ€

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, โ€œOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Superman stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?

Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Wonder Woman stupid?

Because she wears a belt on her head.

Why is Spider-Man the most stupid superhero of them all?

Because he wears his underwear over his head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with him?โ€ He asks his assistant.

โ€œHe came in for some cough syrup,โ€ explains the assistant. โ€œBut I couldnโ€™t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ The pharmacist says, horrified. โ€œYou canโ€™t treat a cough with laxatives!โ€

โ€œOf course you can,โ€ the assistant declares. โ€œLook at him โ€“ heโ€™s far too scared to cough.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two menโ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeโ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckโ€™s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โ€œYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he canโ€™t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When heโ€™s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heโ€™d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, โ€œJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A balding man was getting a haircut.

The manโ€™s barber said, โ€œDo you know what they say if youโ€™re bald in the front?โ€

Man: โ€œNo.โ€

Barber: โ€œThey say youโ€™re a thinker.โ€

Man: โ€œOh?!โ€

Barber: โ€œDo you know what they say if youโ€™re bald in the back?โ€

Man: โ€œNo.โ€

Barber: โ€œThey say youโ€™re a lover.โ€

The man perked up.

Man: โ€œWhat do they say if youโ€™re bald in the front and the back?โ€

Barber: โ€œThat you only think youโ€™re a lover.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St Johnโ€™s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, โ€œIf I had all the beer in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€ ย 

With even greater emphasis he added, โ€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, โ€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St Johnโ€™s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, โ€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 1 responded, โ€œI murdered someone.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 2 responded, โ€œI cheated on my wife.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd personโ€™s turn.

The priest asked him, โ€œSo, what sin did you commit?โ€

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, โ€œUmโ€ฆwell, you see, Fatherโ€ฆI peed in the holy water.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

โ€œI will grant you three wishes,โ€ intones the genie.

โ€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ€ the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

โ€œAnd for your other two wishes?โ€

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โ€œGive me two more just like this one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, โ€œI want to be gorgeous.โ€

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the manโ€™s turn came, he laughed and said, โ€œI wish they were all ugly again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bula decides itโ€™s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Yearโ€™s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: โ€œWell, howโ€™s the business going?โ€

Bula: โ€œBad brother, sorry about everything!โ€

Johnny: โ€œWhy?โ€

Bula: โ€œI donโ€™t have any chickens anymore!โ€

Johnny: โ€œGood god, why?โ€

Bula: โ€œIf I know, I think Iโ€™m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or donโ€™t water them enough, but one doesnโ€™t raise the hen.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bad Man Puns for Adults



Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?

She said, โ€œGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?

โ€œYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?

They bug the villains!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where does Spider-Man poop?

Web-ever he wants.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did all the tissue roll in the wall mart not enough for Spider-man?

Because Spider-man was more into flypaper kind of tissue roll.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why doesnโ€™t Spider-Man like rice?

It reminds him of Uncle Ben.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does Spider-Man have shaky hands?

He has Peter Parkinsons.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do a man whoโ€™s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bad Man Jokes One-Liners



Spider-Man 1: โ€œHomecomingโ€

Spider-Man 2: โ€œFar from Homeโ€

Spider-Man 3: โ€œHomelessโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I really needed Spider-Man to come and save the day, but he said he couldnโ€™t get out of the bath.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the childrenโ€™s activity center.

Itโ€™s like theyโ€™d never seen a naked man before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s not that the man did not know how to juggle.

He just didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am half Spider-Man, half Batman, and half Moon Knight...

Poor.

With no powers.

With mental disorders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Perfect Boyfriend:

ยท Does not drink.

ยท Does not smoke.

ยท Does not cheat.

ยท Does not exist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, โ€œBetcha canโ€™t just one!โ€

Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norrisโ€™ first job was as a paperboy.

There were no survivors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris once ate a Rubikโ€™s Cube and pooped it out solved.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.

When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

Itโ€™s now called Red Bull.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jokes About Men and Women



Two monsters went to a party.

Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€

โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œDarling, can I go out in this dress?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes dear, itโ€™s already dark out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What to give a man whoโ€™s got everything?

A woman. Sheโ€™ll tell him how everything works.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.

The woman is psycho, the man is logical.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while Iโ€™m on my PlayStation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boyfriend: โ€œDo you think my salary is sufficient for you?โ€

Girlfriend: โ€œItโ€™s sufficient for me but how will you survive?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Madonna is 54 and her boyfriendโ€™s 25.

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriendโ€™s 26.

So if youโ€™re single itโ€™s ok, maybe heโ€™s just not born yet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, โ€œPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canโ€™t figure out how to get started.โ€

Her boyfriend asks, โ€œWhat is it supposed to be when itโ€™s finished?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œAccording to the picture on the box, itโ€™s a rooster.โ€

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, โ€œFirst of all, no matter what we do, weโ€™re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.โ€

He takes her hand and says, โ€œSecond, I want you to relax. Letโ€™s have a nice cup of tea, and then,โ€ he said with a deep sigh, โ€œletโ€™s put all the corn flakes back in the box.โ€™

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.โ€

Girl: โ€œI have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œI have a math test tomorrow.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat does that have to do with anything?โ€

Boy: โ€œI thought we were listing things we could cheat on.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.

After pointing it out, the employee asked, โ€œIs there anything specific youโ€™re looking for?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the customer. โ€œMy boyfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like to show my girlfriend whoโ€™s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.

Best trade I ever made.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.

During a slow dance, he canโ€™t find a partner to dance with him.

He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.

Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, โ€œWould you dance with me?โ€

Filled with excitement, she yells, โ€œWould I!โ€

Without missing a beat, the man retorts, โ€œBIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.

I said, โ€œWhy are you crying? Iโ€™m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never laugh at your girlfriendโ€™s choices.

Youโ€™re one of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend said Iโ€™m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my girlfriend if sheโ€™d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.

She said, โ€œYes!โ€

I said, โ€œGood, because Iโ€™m breaking up with you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s true women do make less money than men. But itโ€™s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. Itโ€™s been 4 days, Iโ€™m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What Do You Call a Man Jokes



What do you call a man who falls overboard and canโ€™t swim?

Bob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Man Jokes One-Liners



You know youโ€™re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that the internet was invented by Spider-Man?

Thatโ€™s why itโ€™s called The World Wide Web.

If it had been invented by Superman, it would be called the World Wide Cape.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boss told me, โ€œDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ€

Now Iโ€™m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.

He said heโ€™ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.

I love the idea, but Iโ€™m really not sure how theyโ€™re both going to fit into it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think

โ€œThereโ€™s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the North Pole.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโ€™s imaginary.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisโ€™ beard. There is only another fist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris doesnโ€™t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I havenโ€™t fit in my pants since March.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Short Man Puns



What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?

Heโ€™s lost his head!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?

He got repossessed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?

He put it in the shade.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?

With relish.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man borrowed his momโ€™s car to take it out for a spin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man and Black Widow first met on the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?

Amazon Web Services.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?

He goes up the wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Spider-Man so good at climbing walls?

Because he is Peter Parkour.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If youโ€™re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Spider-Man suddenly runs out of web when heโ€™s chasing bad guys, what is he called?

Peter Parkour.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does Spider-Man have such good comebacks?

Because with great power comes with great response-ability.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?

He was tired of being a web developer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.

Apparently, they were web designers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does Spider-Man spin webs?

Because he doesnโ€™t know how to knit.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does Spider-Man communicate with all his superhero buds?

On the World Wide Web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Spider-Man decide to join the swim team?

Because he had webbed feet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?

Because he was always spinning out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which part of a computer is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite?

The web cam.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where does Spider-Man get his power?

From the World Wide Web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call it when Spider-Man is involved in a love triangle?

A tangled web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does Spider-Man get so frustrated with the World Wide Web?

Because Google thinks his name is Spiderman, not Spider-Man!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did Bruce Banner say to Spider-Man?

Donโ€™t bug me!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Spider-Man put in his beverages?

Just ice.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call Spider-Man joining the Marvel Universe?

A Spin-Off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the name of Dr. Strangeโ€™s cousin who canโ€™t do magic?

Doctor Normal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite day of the week?

Flyday.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did people start calling Spider-man when he started to stop minding his own business and started interfering in others?

Nosy Parker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?

Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?

Ankle Ben.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite sport?

Fly fishing.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I wanted to ask Spider-Man to connect my TV, but I couldnโ€™t find Maguire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man likes toy tops because they are always spinning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In baseball, Spider-Man likes the outfield because in that position he catches the most flies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Spider-Man do when heโ€™s not fighting crime?

Web Development.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?

A Peter Parka.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?

Tony Stuck.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?

Peter PARKER.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?

Peter PARKER.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite Disney movie?

Peter Pan.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why doesnโ€™t Spider-Man like to talk to Bruce Wayne?

Because he has bad breath.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite food?

French flies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite road?

Peter parkway.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite online music app?

Spot-a-fly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?

Pita Parker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite exercise?

Spin class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man was found dead this morning.

Police believe he committed insecticide.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?

They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Spider-Man use when he wants to be stealthy?

The Dark Web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would you call if Spider-Man starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider bite created Spider-Man. What would a dogโ€™s bite create?

Doberman.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do the Avengers keep calling Spider-Man over to fix their computer?

Because they heard heโ€™s a web developer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.

What does the officer tell him?

Spy-there-man!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?

Because heโ€™s a bad parallel Parker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite pastime?

Surfing the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite brand of rice?

Uncle Benโ€™s.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Anyone can learn to climb a wall like Spider-Man, you just need to stick to it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.

He was great at catching flies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the man reach the bowling alley before his friends?

To get the ball rolling.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?

Shearing is caring.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why couldnโ€™t the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?

He couldnโ€™t get to the root of it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?

Because fortune favors the shave!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?

He had a gunslinger beard!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?

He barber-ed a grudge against him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?

The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the man say before shaving off his beard?

โ€œHair goes nothing!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the beard say after growing back on the manโ€™s face?

โ€œIโ€™ve been hair before!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?

โ€œAll good things must comb to an end.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?

It was a fund razor.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the man who couldnโ€™t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?

Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the bearded manโ€™s shaving product business flop?

Because of the razor-thin margins.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the man maintain his beard to perfection?

If he didnโ€™t, things would get a bit hairy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?

Hairy Potter.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?

A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect.

I saw him speak a while ago and he said, โ€œIโ€™m the second guy to walk on the moon...โ€

โ€œNeil before me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a lazy man in space?

A procrastronaut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:

โ€œCan Ireland my spaceship on the moon?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what happened to the man who was addicted to doing the โ€œHokey Pokeyโ€?

He turned himself around.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what happened to the man who played board games all his life?

He got bored with playing games!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A grumpy man spent an evening with his friends at a comedy club and asked his doctor for a course on antibiotics. Guess what for?

He thought laughter was infectious.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?

Donut kill my vibe!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is every policemanโ€™s favorite charity fundraiser?

Dollars to Donuts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which holiday is every policemanโ€™s favorite?

National Donut Day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why couldnโ€™t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones donโ€™t work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

โ€œNo one does that to a woman, not on my watch!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to call Spider-Man, but he was busy browsing in the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Long Jokes About Men



Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why theyโ€™re happy.

They tell him, โ€œWell, weโ€™re so sick of the cold where weโ€™re from, and this place is nice and toasty.โ€

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hellโ€™s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadiansโ€™ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what theyโ€™re doing.

โ€œWell, we canโ€™t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!โ€

Satan realizes heโ€™s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until itโ€™s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows heโ€™s won now, so he goes back to the Canadiansโ€™ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, โ€œWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!โ€

They look at him and shout at the same time, โ€œHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.

The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.

Committee: โ€œWho discovered America?โ€

Guy 1: โ€œChristopher Columbus.โ€

Committee: โ€œHow long ago was that?โ€

Guy 1: โ€œAround three hundred years.โ€

Committee: โ€œDo aliens exist?โ€

Guy 1: โ€œItโ€™s possible, but thereโ€™s no proof.โ€

He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, โ€œItโ€™s easy, you just answer โ€œChristopher Columbusโ€, โ€œAround three hundred yearsโ€, and โ€œItโ€™s possible, but thereโ€™s no proofโ€.

So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.

Committee: โ€œWhatโ€™s your name?โ€

Guy 2: โ€œChristopher Columbus.โ€

Committee (incredulously): โ€œHow old are you?โ€

Guy 2 (with conviction): โ€œAround three hundred years.โ€

Committee: โ€œAre you insane?โ€

Guy 2: โ€œItโ€™s possible, but thereโ€™s no proof.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, โ€œMan! Iโ€™m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You canโ€™t beat that!โ€

The engineer replied, โ€œYou wanna see something better? Letโ€™s go back to the shop and Iโ€™ll show you real stealing.โ€

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, โ€œDo you wanna see magic?โ€

The shop boy replied, โ€œYes!!!โ€

The engineer said, โ€œGive me one chocolate bar.โ€

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, โ€œBut whereโ€™s the magic?โ€

The engineer replied, โ€œCheck in my friendโ€™s pocket, and youโ€™ll find them!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, โ€œExcuse me, are you Moses?โ€

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the manโ€™s view and asked again, โ€œArenโ€™t you Moses?โ€

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the manโ€™s sleeve and asked once again, โ€œHey! Arenโ€™t you Moses?โ€

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, โ€œYes, I am!โ€

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, โ€œThe last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but canโ€™t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

โ€œStop it!โ€ yells the nun. โ€œYou canโ€™t use the Lordโ€™s name in vain like that!โ€

The priest apologizes, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ grumbles the nun.

The match continues. Itโ€™s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, โ€œDamn it! I missed!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The really smart guy says, โ€œI see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.โ€

The average guy says, โ€œI think I understand,โ€ and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, โ€œHow did you do that!?โ€

And the average looks at him funny and says, โ€œWell I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, โ€œOooohh ok, I think I can do thatโ€ฆ,โ€ and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, โ€œI see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

โ€œWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.โ€

Watson replied, โ€œI see millions of stars.โ€

โ€œWhat does that tell you?โ€

Watson pondered for a minute.

โ€œAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?โ€

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

โ€œWatson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man Jokes Clean



A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt sorry for him and didnโ€™t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.

He said to the worker, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?โ€

The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.

โ€œSir,โ€ he whispers, his throat feeling worse, โ€œPlease slow down, thereโ€™s a road crew up ahead.โ€

โ€œOkay,โ€ the driver whispers back, โ€œIโ€™ll try not to wake them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnโ€™t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, โ€œDidnโ€™t you like the muffs?โ€

The Foreman said, โ€œTheyโ€™re a thing of beauty.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you wear them?โ€ The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, โ€œI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnโ€™t hear him! Never again, never again!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: โ€œDo you deny this?โ€

Homeless man: โ€œNo, your honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œDo you have any coins?โ€

Homeless man: โ€œJust a few quarters, your Honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œGive them here.โ€

Homeless man: โ€œYour Honor, theyโ€™re all I have!โ€

Judge: โ€œThat may be so, but please just give me those coins.โ€

Homeless man: โ€œVery well.โ€ Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: โ€œPay close attention.โ€ Drops coins on the table. โ€œDid you hear that?โ€

Stand owner: โ€œYes, your Honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œExcellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatmentโ€”shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.โ€”he placed the boy in the chair.

โ€œIโ€™m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,โ€ he said. โ€œIโ€™ll be back in a few minutes.โ€

When the boyโ€™s haircut was completed and the man still hadnโ€™t returned, the barber said, โ€œLooks like your daddyโ€™s forgotten all about you.โ€

โ€œThat wasnโ€™t my daddy,โ€ said the boy. โ€He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said โ€˜Come on, son, weโ€™re gonna get a free haircut!โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

Itโ€™s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: โ€œNice tie.โ€

He looks around, but he doesnโ€™t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: โ€œGreat haircut.โ€ A few moments later: โ€œCongratulations on your promotion.โ€

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, โ€œThatโ€™s the pretzels, theyโ€™re complimentary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Hairdresser: โ€œWould you like a haircut?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, Iโ€™d like them all cut.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bearded man walks into a bar, โ€œEverybodyโ€™s drinks are on me tonight!โ€

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, โ€œHow much should I pay?โ€

โ€œNo, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.โ€

โ€œOk,โ€ and he left.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

โ€œWhatโ€™s your favorite flavor?โ€ asks the friend.

โ€œCharm,โ€ replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

โ€œWhy is it that whenever I ask you a question,โ€ begins the friend, โ€œyour answer is always strange?โ€

โ€œWell, itโ€™s strange โ€˜nowโ€™,โ€ the physicist protests, โ€œshouldnโ€™t have waited a picosecond.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, โ€œWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?โ€

The man replies, โ€œThe one in the freezer, Iโ€™m pretty sure itโ€™s warmer in there.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.

The shop assistant takes the man to the bearโ€™s cage and says, โ€œThe polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, donโ€™t touch his nose.โ€

The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.

Until the man canโ€™t no longer withstand, โ€œI have to try what happens when I touch his nose!โ€

So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.

Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.

With his paw, the bear taps the manโ€™s shoulder and says, โ€œYou are it!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man went to the doctor and said, โ€œI think I am upside down.โ€

When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, โ€œBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see heโ€™d suffered some rough life.

โ€œHave you been in any accidents lately?โ€ he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โ€œNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t call those accidents?โ€ said the doctor with incredulity.

โ€œNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes to the doctor and says, โ€œDoctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.โ€

And the doctor says, โ€œCan you describe the symptoms.โ€

And he says, โ€œYes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marleyโ€™s head.

โ€œHow you like it?โ€ asked the barber.

โ€œReal fine,โ€ said the redneck. โ€œBut how about making it a little longer in the back?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโ€™s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, โ€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ€

Quickly he replied, โ€œIf it was you who asked, Iโ€™d still have 4 pickles.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโ€™t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, โ€œIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into the doctorโ€™s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, โ€œDoc, this is terrible. Whatโ€™s wrong with me?โ€

The doctor says, โ€œWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.

He asked, โ€œHow do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!โ€

The CA friend replied coolly, โ€œJust tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.โ€

โ€œWow! Thanks for the tip,โ€ said the doctor.

The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: โ€œConsulting charges for Business Developmentโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โ€œMira el mosca.โ€

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โ€œNo, senor, โ€œla moscaโ€, es feminina.โ€

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โ€œGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, โ€œI think weโ€™ll have to call it a day. Thereโ€™s no way weโ€™re getting it inside.โ€

The neighbor looks at him slowly, โ€œWait, inside?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

โ€œWellโ€, said the teacher, โ€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Clean Long Jokes About Man



A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesnโ€™t know any of the peopleโ€™s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, โ€œYes. Better start gathering firewood.โ€

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, โ€œApparently, itโ€™s going to be pretty cold this year.โ€

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say โ€œYes! Apparently, itโ€™s going to be even colder than we previously thought.โ€

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him itโ€™s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, โ€œI have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old manโ€™s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, โ€œI really think Iโ€™m leaving Dad at home next time!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

โ€œWhatโ€™s with that group of players? Theyโ€™re the worst Iโ€™ve ever seen! Theyโ€™re holding up the course!โ€

The manager looks sheepish, โ€œTheyโ€™re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.โ€

The priest looks ashamed of himself, โ€œAs a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, Iโ€™ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.โ€

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, โ€œSame here, Iโ€™ll check with my firm and see if we canโ€™t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.โ€

The engineer says, โ€œWhy canโ€™t they play at night?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.

Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided heโ€™d hide his treasure in the kingdomโ€™s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.

Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdomโ€™s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.

The king spots him and tells his guards, โ€œThis man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.โ€

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

โ€œNo one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,โ€ states the king.

The fisherman replies, โ€œThank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.โ€

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.

Perplexed at this manโ€™s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, โ€œI will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!โ€

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.

The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fishermanโ€™s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, โ€œIt is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?โ€

The fisherman replies, โ€œThe northern half.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesnโ€™t have much extra time.

He remembers thereโ€™s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later heโ€™s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

โ€œHello again, Sir,โ€ the barber says. โ€œWhat can I do for you?โ€

โ€œOh, Iโ€™d like another haircut, but Iโ€™m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?โ€

โ€œOf course,โ€ says the barber. โ€œAnything you want. Take a seat.โ€

The businessman sits down.

โ€œSo what would you like?โ€ asks the barber.

โ€œWell, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitlerโ€™s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but donโ€™t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.โ€

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

โ€œI canโ€™t do all that!โ€ he says.

โ€œWhy not?โ€ the businessman asks. โ€œThatโ€™s what you did last time.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, โ€œRome? Why would anyone want to go there? Itโ€™s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. Youโ€™re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?โ€

โ€œWeโ€™re taking American Airlines,โ€ was the reply. โ€œWe got a great rate!โ€

โ€œAmerican Airlines?โ€ exclaimed the barber. โ€œThatโ€™s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and theyโ€™re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?โ€

โ€œWeโ€™ll be at the downtown International Marriott.โ€

โ€œThat dump? Thatโ€™s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyโ€™re overpriced.

So whatchaโ€™ doing when you get there?โ€

โ€œWeโ€™re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s rich,โ€ laughed the barber. โ€œYou and a million other people trying to see him. Heโ€™ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.

Youโ€™re going to need it.โ€

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

โ€œIt was wonderful!โ€ explained the man, โ€œNot only were we on time in one of American Airlinesโ€™ brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotelโ€”it was great! Theyโ€™d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now itโ€™s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ muttered the barber, โ€œI know you didnโ€™t get to see the Pope.โ€

โ€œActually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if Iโ€™d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.โ€

โ€œReally?โ€ asked the barber. โ€œWhatโ€™d he say?โ€

โ€œHe said โ€˜Whereโ€™d you get the crappy haircut?โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, โ€œMan! Iโ€™m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You canโ€™t beat that!โ€

The engineer replied, โ€œYou wanna see something better? Letโ€™s go back to the shop and Iโ€™ll show you real stealing.โ€

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, โ€œDo you wanna see magic?โ€

The shop boy replied, โ€œYes!!!โ€

The engineer said, โ€œGive me one chocolate bar.โ€

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, โ€œBut whereโ€™s the magic?โ€

The engineer replied, โ€œCheck in my friendโ€™s pocket, and youโ€™ll find them!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, โ€œExcuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?โ€

He replies, โ€œOh, we donโ€™t close on Sunday.โ€

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next dayโ€”Sundayโ€”the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.

Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.

โ€œHey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?โ€

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, โ€œWell, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: โ€œPut a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!โ€

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

The man blacked out with the machineโ€™s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,โ€ says the machine.

โ€œBut itโ€™s impossible!โ€ screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, โ€œSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?โ€

The pirate replies, โ€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ€

โ€œWow!โ€ said the seaman.

โ€œWhat about your hook?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the pirate, โ€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ€

โ€œIncredible!โ€ remarked the seaman.

โ€œHow did you get the eye patch?โ€

โ€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ€ replied the pirate.

โ€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ€ the sailor asked incredulously.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the pirate, โ€œit was my first day with my hook...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, โ€œHow much money do you make a week?โ€

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, โ€œI make a little over $400 a week, why?โ€

The CEO said, โ€œWait right here.โ€

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, โ€œHereโ€™s four weeksโ€™ pay. Now GET OUT and donโ€™t come back.โ€

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, โ€œDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?โ€

From across the room, a voice said, โ€œSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his dayโ€™s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.

Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

โ€œDebits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauperโ€™s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, โ€œDo you know, fancy that, Iโ€™ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ainโ€™t never seen anything like that.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic โ€œA cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, weโ€™ll pay you $1,000 if we failโ€.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my sense of taste.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œThis is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your taste back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œBut that is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your memory back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: โ€œMy eyesight has become weak.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s eyes.โ€

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: โ€œWait, thatโ€™s the box with the gasoline in it!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your vision back! That will be $500.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


More Man Jokes



Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?

He was starting to grow peach fuzz.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œI got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.

Wife: โ€œIdiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At St. Peterโ€™s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbandsโ€™ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, โ€œWella, Iโ€™va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!โ€

The priest responded, โ€œGiuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?โ€

Giuseppe proudly replied, โ€œI gonna go picka her up.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:

โ€œYouโ€™re the man of the house now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.

Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.

Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.

Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.

Then he says, โ€œThatโ€™s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.

She left a note, saying:

Iโ€™ve had enough and have left you. Donโ€™t bother coming after me.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

โ€œSheโ€™s finally gone... Yeah, I know... Iโ€™m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Canโ€™t wait to see you...โ€

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

โ€œI can see your feet. Weโ€™re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, โ€œYour glass is empty. Fancy another one?โ€

โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€ I asked.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œDo men wipe after they pee?โ€

Aging husband: โ€œYes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wallโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life.

If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me sheโ€™s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.

Man:ย  โ€œIโ€™m afraid I canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll just get a urine sample at the station.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll take a blood sample.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, just walk this white line.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause Iโ€™m drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.

His name is Frankenstein.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret, โ€œI put our teenage sonโ€™s shorts in his underwear drawer.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My husband cooks for me like Iโ€™m a godโ€”by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.

Surprisingly, the friend says itโ€™s been a happy and wonderful experience.

โ€œHow so?โ€ asks the man.

Friend: โ€œWell, Iโ€™ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.โ€

Man: โ€œHow do you know?โ€

Friend: โ€œWell, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting โ€˜My husband is home! My husband is home!โ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Peteโ€™s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, โ€œIโ€™ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.โ€

โ€œI doubt it,โ€ said the man, โ€œTonight Iโ€™m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boy calls 911.

โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œMy parents are fighting, and Iโ€™m scared..โ€

โ€œWell, whoโ€™s your father?โ€

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s what theyโ€™re fighting about.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


911 operator: โ€œ911.โ€

โ€œHello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,โ€ says the husband.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œHow do I know when the rice is ready?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œ911, where is your emergency?โ€

โ€œDamn, she gave me the wrong number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.

โ€œI would like a blue budgie pleaseโ€ he said to the assistant.

โ€œI havenโ€™t got a blue one,โ€ the assistant replied. โ€œIโ€™ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.โ€

โ€œOK,โ€ said the man, โ€œthatโ€™ll do.โ€

The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.

โ€œLook at this,โ€ said the man. โ€œIt died while I was painting it.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s odd,โ€ said the assistant, โ€œIโ€™m sure that paint was safe.โ€

The man replies, โ€œI never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint offโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.

One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.

The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, โ€œI hear you are 102!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the old man with a smile.

โ€œWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!โ€

โ€œThank you,โ€ said the old man humbly.

โ€œDo you mind if I ask...โ€

โ€œHow am I this healthy at my age?โ€ finished the old man. โ€œHelp me carry this wood back home, and Iโ€™ll tell you.โ€

The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.

โ€œYou see,โ€ said the old man, โ€œIโ€™ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, Iโ€™ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! Thatโ€™s why Iโ€™m in the great shape I am.โ€

โ€œBut if thatโ€™s the case,โ€ said the puzzled visitor, โ€œhow come your wife is in such great shape too?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ smiled the old man, โ€œshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

โ€œShe obviously has COVID,โ€ my wife said.

โ€œWhy?โ€ I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, โ€œBecause she has no taste.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.

She says, โ€œHi, handsome, what do you do for a living?โ€

The man replies, โ€œI work for KGB.โ€

โ€œCool, tell me an interesting story!โ€

โ€œAbout me or about you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


To her credit, the registeredย nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didnโ€™t mean to be unkind.

But he didnโ€™t think it was very nice of her to say, โ€œJust a little prick, sir.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, โ€œThis is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. Iโ€™ll be your wife.โ€

The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.

Counselor: โ€œHoney, are you not happy in our marriage?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Counselor: โ€œIs it the relations?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, is it the way I treat you?โ€

Man: โ€œNope. Definitely canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, โ€œI donโ€™t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why donโ€™t you bring her with you?โ€

Man: โ€œNo, that wonโ€™t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, why is that?โ€

Man: โ€œTo you, I can complain!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, โ€œIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.โ€

Her husband didnโ€™t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husbandโ€™s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. โ€œWhat happened?โ€ asked the wife.

โ€œYou were right! My intestines did come out, but donโ€™t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter, honey?โ€ she asks. โ€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ€

Her husband looks up at her, โ€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, โ€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โ€˜You either marry her or Iโ€™ll put you in jail for 20 years!โ€™?โ€

โ€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ€ she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โ€œItโ€™s just... I would have been out today.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.

She wasnโ€™t content. Iโ€™m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, โ€œIโ€™m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.โ€

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, โ€œI overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Hereโ€™s my card, give me a call.โ€

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.

The psychiatrist says to the other guy, โ€œHi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.โ€

The other guy says, โ€œThings are great, the bartender helped me.โ€

Psychiatrist, โ€œThe bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldnโ€™t?โ€

The other guy says, โ€œHe told me to saw the legs off my bed.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I donโ€™t know, itโ€™s never happened.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The 5 secrets to happiness for men:

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.

2. Find a woman who can cook.

3. Find a woman who really listens to you.

4. Find a woman who is great in bed.

5. Make sure these 4 women donโ€™t find out about each other.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, โ€œDo you know how fast you were going, Sir?โ€

The guy replied, โ€œI was just trying to keep up with the traffic.โ€

The cop said, โ€œThere is no traffic, Sir.โ€

The guy answered, โ€œThatโ€™s how far behind I am?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A male driver is pulled over by a cop.

Man: โ€œWhatโ€™s the problem, officer?โ€

Cop: โ€œYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.โ€

Man: โ€œNo sir, I was going 65.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you were going 80.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.โ€

Man: โ€œBroken tail light? I didnโ€™t know about a broken tail light!โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, youโ€™ve known about that tail light for weeks.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œShut your mouth, woman!โ€

Cop: โ€œMaโ€™am, does your husband always talk to you this way?โ€

Wife: โ€œNo, only when heโ€™s drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โ€œLook at this, dear. Thereโ€™s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโ€™t do a thing like that, would you?โ€

โ€œOf course I wouldnโ€™t!โ€ replied her husband. โ€œThe seasonโ€™s almost over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, โ€œWhat is this, Father?โ€

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, โ€œSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donโ€™t know what it is.โ€

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, โ€œSon, go get your mother.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.

The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.

The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.

After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isnโ€™t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the โ€œYou didnโ€™t see anythingโ€ talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.

The Air Force fuels up the manโ€™s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

The next day, the manโ€™s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.

When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.

As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, โ€œDo whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He canโ€™t run fast enough to catch you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still donโ€™t know to whom that leg belonged.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a one-legged man call karate?

Partial Arts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.

So I pushed the guy over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, โ€œNumber Two, make it so!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.

The first man walked in, gave his name, and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.

He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.

The newcomer said to the first guy, โ€œWell, I guess weโ€™re in the Marine Corps now!โ€

The first guy said, โ€œSon, lemme tell you about the old Corps.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Rangerย headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, โ€œMan, I am really lucky to be alive!โ€

Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, โ€œI canโ€™t believe I survived this wreck!โ€

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.โ€

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, โ€œYou know, youโ€™re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Iโ€™m gonna see what else survived this wreck.โ€

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, โ€œI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.โ€

The Marine replies, โ€œYouโ€™re damn right!โ€ and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œYour turn!โ€

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, โ€œNahh, I think Iโ€™ll wait for the cops to show up.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œItโ€™s your birthday? How old are you?โ€ asks the manโ€™s friend.

โ€œIโ€™m seven and one-seventh,โ€ replies the man.

โ€œHowโ€™s that, you look about 50 to me?โ€ asks the friend.

โ€œEvery time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you canโ€™t see over your belly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















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