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Jokes on Man



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Man Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Man Jokes


Two monsters went to a party.

Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

😄 😄 😄


Woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m the Devil!” she responded.

“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”

😄 😄 😄


Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

😄 😄 😄


A native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”

😄 😄 😄


A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”

The husband replies, “Autumn.”

😄 😄 😄


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”

“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

😄 😄 😄


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The Pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”

😄 😄 😄


One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.

“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The sales girl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”

😄 😄 😄


Guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”

He says, “Doctors orders.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”

“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

😄 😄 😄


What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?

She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”

😄 😄 😄


What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?

“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”

😄 😄 😄


What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

😄 😄 😄


I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.

😄 😄 😄


When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonald’s.

😄 😄 😄


Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.

😄 😄 😄


You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

😄 😄 😄


The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.

😄 😄 😄


Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.

😄 😄 😄


On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.

“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.

“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”

Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”

Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks Dad!”

Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”

😄 😄 😄


A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: “Do you deny this?”

Homeless man: “No, your honor.”

Judge: “Do you have any coins?”

Homeless man: “Just a few quarters, your Honor.”

Judge: “Give them here.”

Homeless man: “Your Honor, they’re all I have!”

Judge: “That may be so, but please just give me those coins.”

Homeless man: “Very well.” Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: “Pay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. “Did you hear that?”

Stand owner: “Yes, your Honor.”

Judge: “Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”

😄 😄 😄


What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

😄 😄 😄


I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

😄 😄 😄


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

😄 😄 😄


Girlfriend: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

Boyfriend: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

😄 😄 😄


Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

😄 😄 😄


The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.

The woman is psycho, the man is logical.

😄 😄 😄


All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children’s activity center.

It’s like they’d never seen a naked man before.

😄 😄 😄


A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”

The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”

The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

😄 😄 😄


Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.

Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he’d hide his treasure in the kingdom’s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.

Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom’s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.

The king spots him and tells his guards, “This man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.”

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

“No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,” states the king.

The fisherman replies, “Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.”

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.

Perplexed at this man’s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, “I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!”

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.

The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fisherman’s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, “It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?”

The fisherman replies, “The northern half.”

😄 😄 😄


Husband says to his wife.

Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”

Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”

😄 😄 😄


A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150 page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied “You’re on.”

“You are a management consultant,” said the shepherd without hesitation.

“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “How ever did you guess?”

“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now please give me back my dog.”

😄 😄 😄


Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.

They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”

😄 😄 😄


It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

😄 😄 😄


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment — shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. — he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

😄 😄 😄


When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”

And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”

😄 😄 😄


My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄


Hairdresser: “Would you like a haircut?”

Boy: “No, I’d like them all cut.”

😄 😄 😄


I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue!

😄 😄 😄


A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he’s needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.

He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”

“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”

The businessman sits down.

“So what would you like?” asks the barber.

“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my moustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

“I can’t do all that!” he says.

“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”

😄 😄 😄


A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.

So whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.

You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful!” explained the man, “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel—it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”

“He said ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?’”

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.

“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”

“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”

😄 😄 😄


Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.

The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.

Committee: “Who discovered America?”

Guy 1: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee: “How long ago was that?”

Guy 1: “Around three hundred years.”

Committee: “Do aliens exist?”

Guy 1: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, “It’s easy, you just answer “Christopher Columbus”, “Around three hundred years”, and “It’s possible, but there’s no proof”.

So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.

Committee: “What’s your name?”

Guy 2: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee (incredulously): “How old are you?”

Guy 2 (with conviction): “Around three hundred years.”

Committee: “Are you insane?”

Guy 2: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

😄 😄 😄


An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”

“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”

“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”

😄 😄 😄


You’re so short, you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”

😄 😄 😄


A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”

The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”

The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”

The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally he asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”

The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”

😄 😄 😄


Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled “The Milky Bars are on me!”, people just cheered.

😄 😄 😄


I went to a church men’s camp out a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, “Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”

“To which Joe replies, “Chocolate sausage.”

This gets everyone’s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, “This doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, “The horse was named Chocolate.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”

😄 😄 😄


Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”

Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”

😄 😄 😄


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Excuse me, are you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Hey! Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

😄 😄 😄


A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”

“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”

“Ok,” and he left.

😄 😄 😄


Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and — both of them having certain “needs” — eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, “Listen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.”

He tells her, “Actually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.”

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, “BRO! BRO! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

😄 😄 😄


A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

😄 😄 😄


My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”

😄 😄 😄


The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.

😄 😄 😄


Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched what to do.

What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”

He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”

To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”

“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

😄 😄 😄


A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit’s face and said, “I’ll bet you’re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren’t you?”

And the recruit says, “No, sir! When I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”

😄 😄 😄


A boyfriend asks his girlfriend, “What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?”

“Well, I don’t know” she answers shyly.

“OK, that I give you another year to think about it...”

😄 😄 😄


Perfect Boyfriend:

· Does not drink.

· Does not smoke.

· Does not cheat.

· Does not exist.

😄 😄 😄


Boy: “Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.”

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”

Boy: “I have a math test tomorrow.”

Girl: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Boy: “I thought we were listing things we could cheat on.”

😄 😄 😄


I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

😄 😄 😄


A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

😄 😄 😄


A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.

“Charm,” replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”

“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”

😄 😄 😄


Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work.

😄 😄 😄


The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”

Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”

Me: “Yes, with nuts.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”

The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”

😄 😄 😄


Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.

Best trade I ever made.

😄 😄 😄


At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

😄 😄 😄


A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.

The shop assistant takes the man to the bear’s cage and says, “The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don’t touch his nose.”

The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.

Until the man can’t no longer withstand, “I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!”

So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.

Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.

With his paw the bear taps the man’s shoulder and says, “You are it!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.

😄 😄 😄


A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”

When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”

😄 😄 😄


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”

The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”

😄 😄 😄


I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

“No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!”

😄 😄 😄


After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.”

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, “Mission Impossible” theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.

😄 😄 😄


A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.

During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.

He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.

Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”

Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”

Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

😄 😄 😄


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.

“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”

“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.

“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”

😄 😄 😄


A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:

“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”

The wife stares at her husband:

“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”

The husband answers calmly:

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

😄 😄 😄


What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, “Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?”

He replies, “Oh, we don’t close on Sunday.”

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next day — Sunday — the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.

Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.

“Hey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?”

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, “Well, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!”

😄 😄 😄


Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄


A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”

“Stop it!” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!”

The priest apologizes, “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”

“Fair enough,” grumbles the nun.

The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, “Damn it! I missed!”

😄 😄 😄


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

😄 😄 😄


There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.

Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”

In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.

But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.

Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”

The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”

😄 😄 😄


After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”

Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”

😄 😄 😄


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”

“Not at all,” the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

😄 😄 😄


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

😄 😄 😄


Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”

Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”

Priest: “He will also go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put’s out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?” Priest: “She too will go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”

😄 😄 😄


An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: “Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!”

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”

The man blacked out with the machine’s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,” says the machine.

“But it’s impossible!” screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

“You’re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!”

😄 😄 😄


Co-worker asked me, “If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?”

Your Parents when you move out.

😄 😄 😄


Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.

Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.

“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”

And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

😄 😄 😄


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: “What are you doing dear?”

Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”

😄 😄 😄


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.

“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”

“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

😄 😄 😄


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

😄 😄 😄


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the pirate cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

😄 😄 😄


A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, “1 enemy ship on the horizon.”

The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die.”

So the watchman comes to him and asks, “Why did you want your red shirt?”

The captain says, “Because if I get injured they won’t see and keep on fighting.”

So the watchman comes to him again and says, “20 enemy ships on the horizon.”

The captain says, “Bring me my brown pants.”

😄 😄 😄


What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

😄 😄 😄


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman.

“What about your hook?”

“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.

“How did you get the eye patch?”

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

😄 😄 😄


Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

😄 😄 😄


What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

😄 😄 😄


A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don’t want to go to Iraq either...

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

😄 😄 😄


Two men — one a brunette and the other a blonde — were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”

😄 😄 😄


A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, “Betcha can’t just one!”

Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

😄 😄 😄


The hurricane came unexpectedly.

The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.

He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.

It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Its only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing did.”

He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?”

“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“B-B-But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.” “But enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

“Well, let’s row over to my place, then.” she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”

“No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end.

“This woman is amazing,” he thought. “What next?”

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know...” She stared into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You mean...” he replied, “I can check my Facebook from here?!”

😄 😄 😄


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”

😄 😄 😄


The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.

😄 😄 😄


Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”

Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”

Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”

Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”

😄 😄 😄


When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”

I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”

😄 😄 😄


Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

😄 😄 😄


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father — who was a minister — if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m realy proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

😄 😄 😄


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money.”

😄 😄 😄


I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.

There were no survivors.

😄 😄 😄


Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?” Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”

😄 😄 😄


Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.

😄 😄 😄


My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”

“But I never went to college,” I replied.

“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.

😄 😄 😄


This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.

His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”

“Give me the bad news first,” he says.

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.

“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”

“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”

😄 😄 😄


Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”

Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”

😄 😄 😄


One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

😄 😄 😄


It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

😄 😄 😄


An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”

The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”

“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”

😄 😄 😄


A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.

Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window.”

😄 😄 😄


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

😄 😄 😄


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

😄 😄 😄


Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, “Your name?”

“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”

“Oh, you stutter?”

“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”

😄 😄 😄


What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

😄 😄 😄


Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine’s run out of money...

😄 😄 😄


An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.

“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.

“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.

“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

😄 😄 😄


A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”

The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”

“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.

Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

😄 😄 😄


My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.

He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.

I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.

😄 😄 😄


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

😄 😄 😄


On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

😄 😄 😄


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

😄 😄 😄


A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”

The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here naked,” with a naughty voice.

Both don’t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.

The wife says, “You know honey, even my nipples are just as hot as 50 years ago.”

“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

😄 😄 😄


Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think

“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”

😄 😄 😄


A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.

“I’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.

“No wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. “How do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

😄 😄 😄


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the north pole.

😄 😄 😄


Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

😄 😄 😄


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”

😄 😄 😄


Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

😄 😄 😄


Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

😄 😄 😄


Me: “I’m not able to stop making jokes.”

Doctor: “You can’t be serious.”

Me: “That’s right.”

😄 😄 😄


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

😄 😄 😄


A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.

All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.

“Forty three,” says one. General hilarity.

“Two hundred and three”, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.

“Three hundred and twenty nine,” says a third.

The newcomer decides to try his hand.

“Ninety-one”, he ventures. Total silence.

He tries again, “Three hundred and one.” Not a titter.

“Forty two.” A deadly hush.

Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.

“Nothing,” he says. “It’s just the way you tell them.”

😄 😄 😄


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

😄 😄 😄


It was the first day of school.

Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”

“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”

“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”

😄 😄 😄


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

😄 😄 😄


In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

😄 😄 😄


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

😄 😄 😄


Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”

Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”

Boss: “Well there is now!”

Employee: “How?”

Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”

😄 😄 😄


My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

😄 😄 😄


A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out instead?”

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

😄 😄 😄


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.

😄 😄 😄


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks.

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

😄 😄 😄


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I replied, “I race motorcycles.”

She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”

I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

😄 😄 😄


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

😄 😄 😄


A balding man was getting a haircut.

The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”

Man: “No.”

Barber: “They say you’re a thinker.”

Man: “Oh?!”

Barber: “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”

Man: “No.”

Barber: “They say you’re a lover.”

The man perked up.

Man: “What do they say if you’re bald in the front and the back?”

Barber: “That you only think you’re a lover.”

😄 😄 😄


I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who falls overboard and can’t swim?

Bob.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

😄 😄 😄


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldn’t do either.

😄 😄 😄


Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

😄 😄 😄


Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

😄 😄 😄


Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

😄 😄 😄


A couple goes to the cinema.

“Two tickets, please,” says the man.

“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.

“No, that’s my wife.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”

😄 😄 😄


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play — you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

“FATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

😄 😄 😄


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like Heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”

😄 😄 😄


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offer condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences?

“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

😄 😄 😄


My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.

I suggested, “Break its legs.”

😄 😄 😄


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

😄 😄 😄


Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?

He was just too far out, man.

😄 😄 😄


Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

😄 😄 😄


Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

😄 😄 😄


I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

😄 😄 😄


Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

😄 😄 😄


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

😄 😄 😄


A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.

“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

😄 😄 😄


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to a lady’s door.

She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”

The woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”

😄 😄 😄


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

😄 😄 😄


Three guy are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”

The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”

The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”

And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keep coming.

😄 😄 😄


Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God: “So you would love her?”

Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”

God: “So she would love you?”

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

😄 😄 😄


When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.

When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

It’s now called Red Bull.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

😄 😄 😄


Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

😄 😄 😄


My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

😄 😄 😄


The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?”

The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”

Chief: “What sort of problem?”

Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”

Chief: “Important like the mayor?”

Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”

Chief: “Important like the governor?”

Cop: “Way more important than that.”

Chief: “Like the president?”

Cop: “Much more important.”

Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”

Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

😄 😄 😄


I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

😄 😄 😄


At the family reunion.

Boy: “I’m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Good Day.”

😄 😄 😄


The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

😄 😄 😄


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity and we’ll give you $100.”

The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”

The other says “No! Are you crazy?”

The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I’m gonna do it.”

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says “Well, did you get the money?”

He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”

😄 😄 😄


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”

😄 😄 😄


A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

😄 😄 😄


Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  

With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”

😄 😄 😄


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

😄 😄 😄


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

😄 😄 😄


A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”

Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”

The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”

Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”

The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.

The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”

😄 😄 😄


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

😄 😄 😄


I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

😄 😄 😄


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

“Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.”

😄 😄 😄


A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

😄 😄 😄


Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

😄 😄 😄


It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”

The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”

The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”

The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”

The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

😄 😄 😄


Do not be racist, be like Mario.

He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

😄 😄 😄


A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”

😄 😄 😄


At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

😄 😄 😄


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

“Never mind. Found one!”

😄 😄 😄


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

😄 😄 😄


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”

The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”

“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.

The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”

😄 😄 😄


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

😄 😄 😄


Two friends talking:

“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”

“Get money from your job.”

“I got fired.”

“Why?”

“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”

😄 😄 😄


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

😄 😄 😄


A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”

“Why not?”

“Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”

😄 😄 😄


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Great! I never could before!”

😄 😄 😄


Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”

Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”

😄 😄 😄


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

😄 😄 😄


Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”

Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”

Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

😄 😄 😄


A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

😄 😄 😄


After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”

“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our

man at night!”

😄 😄 😄


Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

😄 😄 😄


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

😄 😄 😄


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

😄 😄 😄


Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.

When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said:

“No. That’s why we want to go to the moon.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

😄 😄 😄


A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.”

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”

😄 😄 😄


A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”

“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.

“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”

“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”

😄 😄 😄


“How did you manage to do that?”

“I once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.”

“But why?”

“Well, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, we’d only have to kill one every day to feed the family.”

“And how do those four-legged chickens taste like?”

“No idea, never been able to catch one.”

😄 😄 😄


Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”

Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”

Johnny: “Why?”

Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”

Johnny: “Good god, why?”

Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”

😄 😄 😄


Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”

Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”

😄 😄 😄


How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

😄 😄 😄





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