Lunch Jokes



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Lunch Jokes


What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

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Three men are working on a building site.

Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

โ€œBy god,โ€ the man exclaims, โ€œI hate ham sandwiches. Iโ€™ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.โ€

The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

โ€œHoly crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. Iโ€™m with you buddyโ€”if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, Iโ€™m killing myself.โ€

The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

โ€œI donโ€™t believe itโ€”another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time Iโ€™ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldnโ€™t have to work on this sordid site no more! Iโ€™m sick of itโ€”count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, Iโ€™m killing myself.โ€

The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man โ€“ a ham sandwich, the second โ€“ a cheese sandwich, the third โ€“ a tuna sandwich.

The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

โ€œIf only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like ham sandwiches,โ€ says the first manโ€™s wife, โ€œI always thought he was being ironic!โ€

โ€œAnd if only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like cheese sandwiches,โ€ says the second manโ€™s wife, โ€œI always thought he was being sarcastic!โ€

โ€œAnd if only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like tuna sandwiches,โ€ says the third manโ€™s wife, โ€œbut I donโ€™t know what good it would have doneโ€”the fool made his own lunch!โ€

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Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

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Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch.

One says, โ€œBoy, do I hate my wife.โ€

And the other one says, โ€œThen just eat the salad.โ€

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Two Karens are out for lunch.

The waiter approaches them and asks, โ€œIs anything OK?โ€

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My wife asked me to prepare our 4-year-old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him and stole his lunch money.

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I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt.

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. The nun posted a sign on the apples tray: Take only one. God is watching.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, โ€œTake all you want. God is watching the apples.โ€

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I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnโ€™t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, โ€œDidnโ€™t you like the muffs?โ€

The Foreman said, โ€œTheyโ€™re a thing of beauty.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you wear them?โ€ The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, โ€œI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnโ€™t hear him! Never again, never again!โ€

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My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, โ€œEnjoy the HOLE donut!โ€

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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.

One of them said, โ€œSorry there is not mush-room.โ€

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The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

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โ€œDad, I donโ€™t want to go to school today,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œWhy not, son?โ€

โ€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ€

โ€œBut why donโ€™t you want to go today?โ€

โ€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ€

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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauperโ€™s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, โ€œDo you know, fancy that, Iโ€™ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ainโ€™t never seen anything like that.โ€

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Little Johnnyโ€™s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โ€œJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ€

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โ€œWell miss, you canโ€™t say that you werenโ€™t warned.โ€

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