Life Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Life Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Life Jokes


Why was the blue marker sad?

Because its life was point-less.

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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?

β€œCheer up, life’s just a gas!”

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I asked Uranus about its love life.

And it replied, β€œIt’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”

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Yo mama so dumb I asked her what she does for a living, and she said breathe.

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What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?

Eat, stink and be merry.

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What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?

Never a dill moment.

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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.

Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.

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I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.

However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.

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Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons.

That explains my acidity problems.

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If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

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Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?

He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.

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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?

They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.

Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.

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In a place without geometry...

Life is pointless.

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I lost my pet dolphin.

Now my life has no porpoise.

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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.

I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.

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Why is chess just like real life?

The king can only take a step at a time and the queen can do as she pleases.

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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve used algebra in my life.

I’d have n dollars.

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Boomer to a Millennial: β€œNothing in life is free.”

Also boomer to a Millennial: β€œThe job doesn’t pay money, but it pays you in experience.”

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My grandpa told me, β€œYou Millennials are too dependent on technology.”

So I plugged out his life support.

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Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.

Millennials: Lol, as if anyone would just β€œhand me” some lemons.

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How do Gen Z’er’s make important life decisions?

They take a Twitter poll and go with the most retweeted option.

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What’s the one thing in this human life that you can count on?

A calculator.

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My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.

I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.

At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.

After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.

Three days later, nothing.

A week later, nothing.

Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.

Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.

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Life is better in a sweater.

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Life is gourd.

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What did Earth say to the other planets?

Get a life!

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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads!

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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.

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life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

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It has no life but it still dies, guess who?

A battery.

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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.

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I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

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They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes.

At least death only happens once!

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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

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Boss: β€œDo you believe in life after death?”

Employee: β€œNo, because there is no proof of it.”

Boss: β€œWell there is now!”

Employee: β€œHow?”

Boss: β€œWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”

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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, β€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied to the girl, β€œBecause white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, β€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?”

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β€œI wanna be the sun of your life!”

β€œThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: β€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”

He: β€œLike the moon.”

The teacher: β€œThat’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.

Little Johnny: β€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”

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Teacher: β€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: β€œMy father’s checkbook.”

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