Enjoy our team's carefully selected Law Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, “A lawyer!”
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Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?” she asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically, “Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Rick. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine’,” asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”
“I did not ask you for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Rick said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rick’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said ‘how are you feeling?’. Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
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A man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving, obviously really angry.
He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
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Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”
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Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”
Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”
Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”
Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”
His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”
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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.”
“Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re 82.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
Answers St. Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness—a grandmotherly, elderly woman—to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”
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A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So, in other words,” the lawyer said, “when you signed the death certificate, you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor, “at that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”
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Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?
They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.
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