Law Enforcement Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Law Enforcement Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Law Enforcement Jokes

A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.

“How can you shoot someone five times by accident?” the officer asked.

“Well, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,” the man said.

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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”

The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”

The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”

The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”

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The president wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals, so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA goes in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for information, and conducting experiments. After a few months, they find nothing, so they report back that there is no such thing as a rabbit.

The FBI goes in next, but after a few weeks the search is unsuccessful, so they raid the forest, burning it to the ground, including all the other animals and the rabbit. They report back, making no apologies, saying the rabbit deserved it.

The LAPD enters last, and after only a few hours a bruised and battered deer stumbles out of the forest shouting, “Alright, alright, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, “I’m going to make it hard for him.”

He says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’.”

The Mexican man thinks, then says, “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez “yellow?”.”

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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

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