Enjoy our team's carefully selected John Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
😄 😄 😄
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed, “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?”
“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”
“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask.
John shakes his head no.
“There is no way she could believe you were 40.”
John shakes his head again.
Friends: “So how old did you tell her you were exactly?”
John smiles and says, “85.”
😄 😄 😄
John came to school with a scar on his forehead.
Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his father's fault.
John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “John, show us where North America is.”
John: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Good! Now, class, who discovered North America?”
Class: “John!”
😄 😄 😄
The crusty navy chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of foolishness they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name!” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?!”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed, “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”
😄 😄 😄
An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: “Put a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!”
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.
The machine suddenly sounds:
“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”
The man blacked out with the machine’s ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,” says the machine.
“But it’s impossible!” screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
“You’re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!”
😄 😄 😄
