Job Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Job Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Job Jokes


I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.

And he said he was always searching for blue skies.

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He has a blue-collar job.

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AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

Sheโ€™s in charge of the hops.

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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasnโ€™t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.

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Whatโ€™s worse than getting a job at McDonaldโ€™s?

Not getting the job at McDonaldโ€™s.

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I used to have a job collecting leaves.

I was raking it in.

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Why wasnโ€™t one of the gingerbread men decorated?

He wasnโ€™t cut out for the job.

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Three college graduatesโ€”one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economicsโ€”sit for a job interview.

The question theyโ€™re all asked is, โ€œWhatโ€™s 2+2?โ€

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, โ€œA solution exists.โ€

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, โ€œ3. But weโ€™ll make it 5 just to be safe.โ€

The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, โ€œHow much do you want it to be?โ€

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I saw my sister weeping uncontrollably, worried that her Economics degree wouldnโ€™t land her a job.

I said, โ€œAre you having a financial cry, sis?โ€

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I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.

I donโ€™t have a job, but at least I know why.

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Why did the Java developer quit his job?

Because he didnโ€™t get arrays.

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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.

I just couldnโ€™t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.

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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

Itโ€™s a whisk I was willing to take.

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, โ€œDonโ€™t do that again.โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ I said, โ€œIt must be the nerves.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ he replied, โ€œBut there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.โ€

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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my managerโ€™s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

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How can an artist fill in a CV?

Drawing from experience.

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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.

Thatโ€™s nonsenseโ€”what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?

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Agency: โ€œSir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?โ€

MD: โ€œPut about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone, and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...

12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test โ€œClean the Floorโ€.

โ€œYou are hired,โ€ the employer said. โ€œGive me your email address, and Iโ€™ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.โ€

The man replied, โ€œI donโ€™t have a computer or an email.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ said the employer, โ€œif you donโ€™t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesnโ€™t exist, cannot have the job.โ€

The man left with no hope. He didnโ€™t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.

He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.

He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.

Five years later, the manโ€™s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his familyโ€™s future and decided to have life insurance.

He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.

The man replied, โ€œI donโ€™t have an email.โ€

The broker replied curiously, โ€œYou donโ€™t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?โ€

The man paused for a while and replied, โ€œAn office boy!โ€

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When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no oneโ€™s laughing now.

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What a punโ€™s dream job?

To be an acu-pun-cturist.

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Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him, โ€œLook, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:

If they say how much are the mangoes, you say โ€œ$5 a kiloโ€.

If they ask if theyโ€™re ripe, you say โ€œSome are, some arenโ€™tโ€.

If they say they donโ€™t want to buy, you shrug and say โ€œIf you donโ€™t, someone else willโ€.โ€

After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.

The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.

He says, โ€œFive-a dolla per-a kilo.โ€

The guy asks if they are ripe.

He says, โ€œSumma dey are, Summa dey arenโ€™t.โ€

He says maybe next time.

So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, โ€œIf you-a donโ€™t, summabody else will.โ€

The guy shakes his head and leaves.

Later, another customer comes in.

He asks Con for the time.

Con replies, โ€œFive-a dolla per-a kilo.โ€

The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, โ€œIs your whole family crazy like you are?โ€

Con shakes his head and replies, โ€œSumma dey are, Summa dey arenโ€™t.โ€

The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.

The guy says, โ€œSo, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!โ€

Con shrugs again and says, โ€œIf you-a donโ€™t, summabody else will.โ€

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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Dennyโ€™s wiping pancakes across her forehead.

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Why does pirate like to eat pie?

Because PIE RATING is in their job description.

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I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isnโ€™t great...

But the percs are amazing!

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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?

He just didnโ€™t relish it.

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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?

He was tired of being a web developer.

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Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.

What does the officer tell him?

Spy-there-man!

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Last year, I had a job at the bowling alley.

It wasnโ€™t for long though; I was only tenpin.

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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?

Reapply.

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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.

The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.

The first one asks, โ€œWho do you think the best soccer player in the world is?โ€

The smart guy replies, โ€œBefore it was Ronaldo but now itโ€™s Messi.

The second interviewer asks, โ€œWhen did the phone come out?โ€

The smart guy replies, โ€œThe first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.โ€

The last interviewer asked, โ€œDo you believe in UFOs?โ€

The smart guy replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know, but I think so.โ€

He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.

Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasnโ€™t that bright so the first one asked, โ€œWho is your father?โ€

The dumb guy replies, โ€œBefore it was Ronaldo but now itโ€™s Messi.โ€

The second interview asks, โ€œWhen were you born?โ€

He replied, โ€œI came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.โ€

The last interviewer asked, โ€œAre you dumb?โ€

The dumb guy says, โ€œI donโ€™t know, but I think so.โ€

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Friend 1: โ€œYouโ€™re working from home because of the coronavirus?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œIโ€™m working from home because I donโ€™t have a real job. We are not the same.โ€

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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.

He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.

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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.

Iโ€™m still employed. I just canโ€™t remember where.

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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.

I donโ€™t like working on sundaes.

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There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.

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My boss told me, โ€œDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ€

Now Iโ€™m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.

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Chuck Norrisโ€™ first job was as a paperboy.

There were no survivors.

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Retail job interview (2012).

โ€œWhere do you see yourself in 10 years?โ€

โ€œYou mean after the global pandemic or before the war?โ€

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Itโ€™s true women do make less money than men. But itโ€™s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

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I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, โ€œAnd what starting salary are you looking for?โ€

The engineer replies, โ€œIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.โ€

The interviewer inquires, โ€œWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?โ€

The engineer sits up straight and says, โ€œWow! Are you kidding?โ€

The interviewer replies, โ€œYeah, but you started it.โ€

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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Two friends talking:

โ€œHey, can I borrow some money? Iโ€™m broke.โ€

โ€œGet money from your job.โ€

โ€œI got fired.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.โ€

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