Ireland Jokes



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Ireland Jokes


A couple just had their first son.

The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.

They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.

A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.

After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Ireland.”

“Ireland, who?”

“Ire land you in time-out, so be nice.”

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Ireland.”

“Ireland, who?”

“Ireland you money if you promise to pay me back.”

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Irish.”

“Irish, who?”

“Irish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!”

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Don.”

“Don, who?”

“Don be putting down the Irish now!”

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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”

“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”

“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”

The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

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Two Irish fellas—Paddy and Murphy—are looking for a job.

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying “Tree fellers wanted. Apply within!”.

Paddy says, “Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that.”

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A small Irish man escaped from prison today.

He’s a leprechaun-vict.

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Why does Ireland have the fastest-growing economy in the world?

Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.

The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.

He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times.

And after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

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Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and it’d be too farty.

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One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.

“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

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An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:

“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”

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