Enjoy our team's carefully selected Husband Jokes About Wife. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says “Oh, do it yourself!”.
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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:
“Guess who I ran into?”
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Young actor: “Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”
Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”
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Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
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My wife has a minor in psychology.
I guess you could say she’s a little...
Psycho.
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My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.
Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.
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A man placed an ad online saying “Wife wanted”.
He got hundreds of messages the next day saying “You can have mine”.
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After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.
I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”
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My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to because she doesn’t have one.
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What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?
Inflation over time.
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My wife is a light eater.
As soon as it’s light she starts to eat.
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From the death notice of a local newspaper:
After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.
The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!
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My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.
It’s part of her minstrel cycle.
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
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Santa: “I’m going to watch Mission Impossible tonight.”
Banta: “On cable or at theater?”
Santa: “Not the film, my wife bought slim fit jeans, and she is going to try it.”
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Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.
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Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.
$200 per hour.
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A wife tells her husband, “I’m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, don’t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!”
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
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I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”
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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
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I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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