Enjoy our team's carefully selected Husband Jokes About Wife. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says βOh, do it yourself!β.
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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:
βGuess who I ran into?β
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Young actor: βDad, guess what? Iβve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoβs been married for 30 years.β
Father: βWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youβll get a speaking part.β
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Husband to friend: βThe physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.β
Friend: βAnd is she doing this?β
Husband: βWell, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.β
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My wife has a minor in psychology.
I guess you could say sheβs a little...
Psycho.
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My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.
Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.
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A man placed an ad online saying βWife wantedβ.
He got hundreds of messages the next day saying βYou can have mineβ.
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After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.
I think, βIf I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.β
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My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to because she doesnβt have one.
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What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?
Inflation over time.
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My wife is a light eater.
As soon as itβs light she starts to eat.
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From the death notice of a local newspaper:
After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.
The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I donβt brush my teeth, I count them!
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My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.
Itβs part of her minstrel cycle.
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
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Santa:Β βIβm going to watch Mission Impossible tonight.β
Banta:Β βOn cable or at theater?β
Santa:Β βNot the film, my wife bought slim fit jeans, and she is going to try it.β
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Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.
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Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.
$200 per hour.
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A wife tells her husband, βIβm just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, donβt forget to stir the curry every half an hour!β
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I havenβt spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isnβt a problem in the world that couldnβt be created.
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I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
Itβs my wifeβs birthday and I thought, βWhat the hell! Iβll treat her.β
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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldnβt do either.
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Iβm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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