Husband Jokes About Wife



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Husband Jokes About Wife


My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says β€œOh, do it yourself!”.

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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:

β€œGuess who I ran into?”

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Young actor: β€œDad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”

Father: β€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”

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Husband to friend: β€œThe physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”

Friend: β€œAnd is she doing this?”

Husband: β€œWell, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”

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My wife has a minor in psychology.

I guess you could say she’s a little...

Psycho.

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My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.

Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.

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A man placed an ad online saying β€œWife wanted”.

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying β€œYou can have mine”.

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After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, β€œIf I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

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My wife and I share a sense of humor.

We have to because she doesn’t have one.

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What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?

Inflation over time.

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My wife is a light eater.

As soon as it’s light she starts to eat.

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From the death notice of a local newspaper:

After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!

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My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.

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Santa:Β β€œI’m going to watch Mission Impossible tonight.”

Banta:Β β€œOn cable or at theater?”

Santa:Β β€œNot the film, my wife bought slim fit jeans, and she is going to try it.”

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Losing a wife can be very tough.

Some may even say impossible.

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Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.

$200 per hour.

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A wife tells her husband, β€œI’m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, don’t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!”

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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

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A golden rule of the wife:

There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.

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I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, β€œWhat the hell! I’ll treat her.”

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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldn’t do either.

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I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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