Enjoy our team's carefully selected Husband Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
😄 😄 😄
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Will Smith slaps himself.
😄 😄 😄
The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.
She left a note, saying:
I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone... Yeah, I know... I’m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Can’t wait to see you...”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “Do men wipe after they pee?”
Aging husband: “Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
😄 😄 😄
Keeping The Romance Alive
I still love to spoil the love of my life.
If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she’s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.
😄 😄 😄
A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
😄 😄 😄
A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy calls 911 and says, “I need an ambulance, my wife fell down and can’t get up.”
The operator says, “Ok, sir. I’m afraid our GPS is down, so I’m going to need you to give me your street address.”
The guy replies, “We live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.”
The operator responds, “Could you please spell that for me, sir?”
The guy pauses and says, “You know what, I’m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
😄 😄 😄
Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
😄 😄 😄
Whenever my wife asks me to clean the kitchen, I show her funny videos until she forgets she asked.
But now she says she’s had enough of my delaying TikToks.
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that.”
Counselor: “Is it the relations?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”
Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”
Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”
Counselor: “Well, why is that?”
Man: “To you, I can complain!”
😄 😄 😄
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
😄 😄 😄
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.
She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
“What’s the matter, honey?” she asks. “Why the heck are you down here at this hour?”
Her husband looks up at her, “Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”
“Sure,” she answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness, “And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”
Wife: “Yes, of course.”
“And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said ‘You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”
“Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,“It’s just... I would have been out today.”
😄 😄 😄
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.
She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
😄 😄 😄
“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”
😄 😄 😄
Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
😄 😄 😄
A couple had been married for 30 years and was celebrating the husband’s 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, “We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, I’d like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
😄 😄 😄
Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, “YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.
😄 😄 😄
A man has been drinking alone in a pub all day and checks his watch.
“1:30 a.m.! I need to get home now or my wife will rip my balls off,” he tells himself. But as he tries to stand, he stumbles to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, and I need to sober up.”
So he asks the bartender for a coffee, drinks it, and 30 minutes later tries to stand up, but falls to the floor again, this time harder.
At this time, he understands he has no choice but to return home, so he begins crawling toward his house.
He arrives after 40 minutes, lays down next to his (asleep) wife, and passes out.
The next morning, his wife wakes him up and asks, “So... how was last night, huh?” Was it fun to drink all day?”
The man is certain his wife was asleep when he arrived home, so he plays it cool, “Not really, just hanging out with some coworkers.We didn’t drink much, just a couple of beers.”
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, “The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, you idiot.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.
Wife: “Where do you think you’re going?”
Me: “I got a gig.”
Wife: “A gig? I thought all your gigs got canceled?”
Me: “I got a new one.”
Wife: “Who hires a violist when we’re all quarantined?”
Me: “The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows.”
😄 😄 😄
On the way to the therapist, I said to my wife, “You’re going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
😄 😄 😄
The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”
My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”
I said, “My truck.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight.
I told her we can talk about it after this episode of SpongeBob.
😄 😄 😄
Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”
Peter says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”
Peter’s wife says, “OMG! That’s terrible!”
Peter says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game it was: hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . .”
😄 😄 😄
A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”
The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!”
The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived, but was having difficulty finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, “How many children do you have?”
He answered, “12 children.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”
😄 😄 😄
Wife to therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist to husband: “What does she mean?”
Husband: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
😄 😄 😄
A man placed an ad online saying “Wife wanted”.
He got hundreds of messages the next day saying “You can have mine”.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They’d come to the party together dressed as the number ten,” he tells the bartender. “That’s when I knew, she was the one.”
😄 😄 😄
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, “And I can’t remember who she was!”
😄 😄 😄
After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.
I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”
😄 😄 😄
The woman asks her husband, “Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?”
The husband replies, “None of them, you know I only like you!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to because she doesn’t have one.
😄 😄 😄
A wife asked her husband, “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor!”
😄 😄 😄
A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a duck under his arm.
His wife answers the door, “What’s this?” The warrior replies, “This is the dragon I’ve been shaggin.”
The angry wife shouts, “That is not a dragon, that is a duck!”
The warrior looks at her and says, “I was talking to the duck!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
😄 😄 😄
A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, “Look at this, dear. There’s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn’t do a thing like that, would you?”
“Of course I wouldn’t!” replied her husband. “The season’s almost over!”
😄 😄 😄
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”
😄 😄 😄
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.
The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.
After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn’t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the “You didn’t see anything” talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.
The Air Force fuels up the man’s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
The next day, the man’s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.
When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.
As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, “Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!”
😄 😄 😄
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
😄 😄 😄
Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
😄 😄 😄
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.”
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air,” the man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks.
Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
😄 😄 😄
An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife bought me a Lego car set to build, and it said +3 years in the box.
I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.
😄 😄 😄
“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.
“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me to prepare our 4-year-old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him and stole his lunch money.
😄 😄 😄
Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”
Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”
Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”
Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”
😄 😄 😄
When my ex-wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
😄 😄 😄
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman is giving birth and her husband rushes to the hospital to be there.
On his way, he decides to call the hospital to see how she’s doing but he accidentally calls Lords cricket ground instead.
Someone answers and the husband asks, “Hi. How’s everything going there?”
The reply came, “Well... we have three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. Last one was a duck.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I replied that I didn’t know he played cricket.
😄 😄 😄
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.
I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.
With a really angry bear somewhere close by...
😄 😄 😄
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
😄 😄 😄
The cactus is talking to his wife.
Wife: “You’re so selfish. You have to remember that it’s cact-US.”
Cactus: “Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I.”
😄 😄 😄
3 men talk about their wives.
The first one says, “My wife is like a butterfly—so delicate and pretty.”
The second one, “Mine is like a baby deer—beautiful and gracious.”
After a moment of silence the third one goes, “Now that I think about it mine doesn’t look much human either.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s Black Friday, and mall is packed with shoppers, and Steve can’t find his wife.
Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says, “Excuse me, can you help me? I can’t see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The attrative woman replies, “Why?”
Steve replies, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.”
😄 😄 😄
Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife said, “If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.”
I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
😄 😄 😄
A French couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The French husband says to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey.”
The Italian man says to his wife, “Pass the sugar, sweety.”
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, you fat pig.”
😄 😄 😄
At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy.
She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my wife if she’d like a new diamond ring to celebrate our anniversary.
“Nothing would make me happier!” She replied.
So I got her nothing.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “Happy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.
Wife: “You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.”
Husband: “That’s why we were so happy!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave me an ultimatum.
It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was as easy as pie.
😄 😄 😄
A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.
She said, “You’re joking.”
I said, “I told you I was good.”
😄 😄 😄
A man called the hotel manager.
He said, “Come up quickly, I fought with my wife, and now she wants to throw herself out the window!”
The manager replied, “Sir, this is a personal matter, and we can’t get involved. I can call sec…”
The man interrupted, “No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won’t open!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife complained that I never take her to expensive places anymore.
So I took her to the gas station.
😄 😄 😄
My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day.
I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me she doesn’t want much this Valentine’s Day.
She said “just some chocolates and a few little surprises will be fine”.
Kinder Eggs it is then.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig, so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”
I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”
He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman took a nap on New Year’s Eve.
When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”
He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!”
At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present.
Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.
😄 😄 😄
Judge: “Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato.”
Lady’s husband: “Your honor, don’t forget, she also stole a can of peas.”
😄 😄 😄
A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won’t admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While she’s standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
When there’s no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again there’s no response, so he moves right to his wife’s shoulder and asks, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, “For the third time, sausages!”
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”
“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”
“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection, I’ve got thousands!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me, “Why are there holes in your pants?”
I said, “It’s Sunday, right?”
My wife: “Yeah?”
Me: “Well, these are my holy pants.”
😄 😄 😄
A wife asks her husband to go to the shop to buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, to get six.
The husband returns with six cartons of milk.
When the wife asks, “Why did you buy so much milk?!”
He replies, “They had eggs.”
😄 😄 😄
Man: “Dude, my wife just crashed my Mustang!”
Friend: “OMG, is she okay?”
Man: “Well, she may need some buffering and a new coat of paint, but she should be alright.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife just now: “Do men’s ears actually work, or are they just for decoration?”
Me: “What?”
😄 😄 😄
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
😄 😄 😄
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums... Could you use African violets instead?”
Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
😄 😄 😄
The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, “That’s probably why!”
😄 😄 😄
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
😄 😄 😄
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.
“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.
“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”
😄 😄 😄
Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man never get caught cheating on his wife?
He’s an expert at spinning a web of lies.
😄 😄 😄
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
😄 😄 😄
I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
😄 😄 😄
When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, “Guess what, I won the jackpot.”
😄 😄 😄
I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I am working remotely.”
Wife: “You are not even remotely working.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.
😄 😄 😄
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
😄 😄 😄
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.
😄 😄 😄
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”
The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”
The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”
The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
😄 😄 😄
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
😄 😄 😄
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
😄 😄 😄
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
😄 😄 😄
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
😄 😄 😄
This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.
His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”
“Give me the bad news first,” he says.
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.
“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”
Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”
😄 😄 😄
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
😄 😄 😄
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
😄 😄 😄
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
😄 😄 😄
I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied, “I hope so!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
😄 😄 😄
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
😄 😄 😄
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
😄 😄 😄
It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
😄 😄 😄
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.
The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
😄 😄 😄
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
😄 😄 😄
