Hospital Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Hospital Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Hospital Jokes

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.

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Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?

He couldnโ€™t quit cold turkey.

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Why did the hip bone go to theย coffeeย shop?

Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.

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Why did the orthopedicย surgeonย bring a radio into surgery?

Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.

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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?

Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.

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So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

Heโ€™s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

โ€œWho are you?โ€ the guy asks.

โ€œIโ€™m your hip replacement.โ€

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Why did the registeredย nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didnโ€™t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

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Registered nurse: โ€œSorry for the wait!โ€

Man: โ€œItโ€™s alright, Iโ€™m patient.โ€

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To her credit, the registeredย nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didnโ€™t mean to be unkind.

But he didnโ€™t think it was very nice of her to say, โ€œJust a little prick, sir.โ€

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Why should you always be kind to registeredย nurses?

Remember that they choose your catheter size.

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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

โ€œLet me give you a taste of your own medicine.โ€

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Why doย registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case, they have to draw blood.

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How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

None, theyโ€™ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but theyโ€™ll check the vital signs just in case.

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Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?

To take care of high blood pressure.

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What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

Band aides.

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How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

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How can nursing be a dream job?

If there were no patients and doctors.

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How long does it take for a physician to change a light bulb?

As long as it takes to find a nurse.

How long does it take for the nurse to change the light bulb?

30 seconds, but 45 minutes to document it.

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What kind of fish works in a hospital?

Nurse shark.

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Yo mama so ugly when she was born, the nurse said, โ€œI think it is a child...โ€

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Nurse: โ€œPlease wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby.โ€

Patient: โ€œNo thanks, Iโ€™d like my baby to keep her liver.โ€

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A cricketer walks into a hospital with blood pouring out of his eyes.

The doctor says, โ€œEbola?โ€

And the cricketer replies, โ€œNah, Iโ€™m a batsman.โ€

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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, โ€œCongratulations sir, youโ€™re the new father of twins!โ€

The man replied, โ€œHow about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.โ€

The man then followed the woman to his wifeโ€™s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smithโ€™s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, โ€œWell, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.โ€

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, โ€œI think I need a breath of fresh air,โ€ the man continued, โ€œI work for 7-UP.โ€

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Whatโ€™s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

โ€œDo you have health insurance?โ€ she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, โ€œNo health insurance.โ€

The nun asked, โ€œDo you have money in the bank?โ€

He replied, โ€œNo money in the bank.โ€

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?โ€ asked the irritated nun.

He said, โ€œI only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.โ€

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, โ€œNuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.โ€

The patient replied, โ€œPerfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.โ€

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In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Every day several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital, it is often too late to save them. To solve this dangerous predicament, those with the highest positions in the Egyptian government hold a meeting.

โ€œWhat shall we do about this hole plaguing our people?โ€ Asks the first speaker.

Everyone is hesitant to answer, but then a man raises his hand.

โ€œIt is quite an easy solution,โ€ he exclaims. โ€œWe keep an ambulance right next to the hole, so if people fall in, they can be pulled out and brought to the hospital right away.โ€

The council agrees and decides to implement this new solution the following day. However, with traffic there is still not enough time to get the victims to the hospital. So they hold another meeting.

โ€œHaving an ambulance ready is still not enough to save our people, we must do more.โ€

A different man raises his hand and speaks, โ€œIf getting to the hospital in time is the problem, then we must build a hospital next to the hole.โ€

Everyone claps seeing that theyโ€™ve found the solution.

But then the urban development chair speaks in response to this proposal, โ€œThe land next to the hole is simply not big enough,โ€ he says, and the crowd stops clapping. โ€œIt seems we are back at step 1.โ€

In the back of the room a man stands and says with much confidence, โ€œI have got it! We shall bring a truck full of dirt to the site of the hole, and we will fill it up.โ€

The council is ecstatic clapping for the man.

โ€œ...then we dig another hole next to the hospital.โ€

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A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank telling him, โ€œDear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion.โ€

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says โ€œIโ€™d like a coffee, please.โ€

The cashier tells him โ€œThatโ€™ll be $30 billion.โ€.

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A woman is giving birth and her husband rushes to the hospital to be there.

On his way, he decides to call the hospital to see how sheโ€™s doing but he accidentally calls Lords cricket ground instead.

Someone answers and the husband asks, โ€œHi. Howโ€™s everything going there?โ€

The reply came, โ€œWell... we have three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. Last one was a duck.โ€

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A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, โ€œThrough the miracles of science, weโ€™ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?โ€

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that itโ€™s only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, โ€œOK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so letโ€™s start it at about 3.โ€

The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, โ€œWow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.โ€

A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, โ€œMan, this is easy, letโ€™s go up to 7.โ€

The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, โ€œGee honey, I donโ€™t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but itโ€™s a breeze. Gimme everything.โ€

So the doctor turns it up all the way.

The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.

Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says heโ€™d gladly do it all again, โ€œI barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.โ€

Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.

... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.

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A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

โ€œGovernor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,โ€ says one of the leaders.

The politician pounds his table, โ€œOk, tell me what they are,โ€ย he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.

โ€œOK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...โ€

The politician cuts him off, โ€œStop right there, Iโ€™ll make some calls,โ€ as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.

โ€œYes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,โ€ he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. โ€œYes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.โ€

He hangs up and turns to everyone, โ€œGood news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,โ€ he loudly proclaims. โ€œI have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?โ€

โ€œYes, our second problem is that we donโ€™t have cellphone coverage here.โ€

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

โ€œThis is your doctor. Weโ€™ve had the results back from your tests, and weโ€™ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!โ€

โ€œOh my gosh!โ€ cries the man. Heโ€™s in a panic now. โ€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?โ€

โ€œWell, weโ€™re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.โ€

โ€œWill that cure me?โ€ asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, โ€œWell, no, but... itโ€™s the only food we can get under the door.โ€

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Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him.

I owe my life to Justin.

Last August 16, 2014, I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident. One day, my nurse turned the radio to Justinโ€™s song.

So I got up... and turned off the radio.

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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but canโ€™t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, โ€œDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.โ€

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, โ€œOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.โ€

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I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, โ€œSon, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.โ€

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