Enjoy our team's carefully selected Holiday Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
βWho are you?β he asked.
βIβm the Devil!β she responded.
βWell, come on home with me,β he said, βI married your sister.β
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
βHoly cow, Mister,β one of them said after catching his breath, βYou scared us half to death β we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?β
βThose fools!β the old man grumbled. βThey misspelled my name!β
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I stopped by grandmotherβs house and Iβm so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
Sheβs 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess Iβll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasnβt home.
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, βSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iβve got something to tell you.β
βDad, guess what?!β he shouted excitedly.
βSteve, this is important.β I urged.
βNo way, Dad. Listen!β
βSteve. Please. Donβt make this hard for me. Itβs about your mum and me.β
βDad! Shut up! Iβve just won Β£250,000 on a scratch card!β
βThatβs amazing son! Your old Dadβs really made up for you!β
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Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
βHe must be up to something,β he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
βHow did he recover so quickly?β Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
βHow can this be?!β Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, βWhat are you doing here, Joker?!β
And he replies, βIβm enjoying this Halloween party, dude!β
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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that theyβd never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, βI wouldnβt eat that if I were you.β
βWhy not?β
βI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.β
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
βWho is it?β a passenger asks the captain.
βI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.β
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, βMira el mosca.β
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, βNo, senor, βla moscaβ, es feminina.β
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, βGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.β
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, βHoney thereβs a witch at the door. What shall I do?β
She shouted back, βJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.β
My mother-in-law hasnβt spoken to me since.
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Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
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Why isnβt Santa allowed to shave his beard?
Itβs in his Clause.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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Why does the programmer think the Grinchβs attitude isnβt bad?
He says itβs in beta.
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Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnβt stop as fast.
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What do a man whoβs had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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Your mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkeyβheβs always stuffed.
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Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix it up like last year.
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckβs gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
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Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, βHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?β
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, βAnd what would you like for Christmas?β
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, βDidn't you get my E-mail?β
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I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
Itβs my wifeβs birthday and I thought, βWhat the hell! Iβll treat her.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWho is there?β
βJustin.β
βJustin, who?β
βJust in time to eat all the birthday donuts.β
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Itβs your birthday; letβs donuts!
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Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
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Yo mama so old, her first cruise was on Noahβs Ark.
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Hey shorty, itβs sherbet day!
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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyβs Up for Halloween.
Iβll dress up as an old guy and sheβll dress up as a tombstone.
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Iβm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they donβt peel.
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Why did the robot go on vacation?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
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Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because itβs easier than trying to wallpaper them!
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Why didnβt the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didnβt have the stomach for it!
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What goes βOh, Oh, Ohβ?
Santa walking backwards!
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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If itβs a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
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Why hasnβt anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because itβs invisible.
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What is a vampireβs worst fear?
Tooth decay.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders?
Because they have spirit.
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Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?
He needed to change.
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The skeleton didnβt mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
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What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Why donβt people like Dracula?
Heβs a pain in the neck.
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Why did the skeleton run away?
Because a dog was after his bones.
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
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Why donβt werewolves ever know the time?
Because theyβre not whenwolves.
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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?
It gets wet.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
βAre you feeling ill?β
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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βWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny?β
βThen why arenβt you laughing?!β
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Why donβt ghosts like rain on Halloween?
It dampens their spirits!
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Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
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I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
Iβm on a roll.
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I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
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Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
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Guess what Santa calls his elves?
Subordinate Clauses!
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Whereβs a donutβs favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
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Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said, βYouβre brilliant, whatβs the band called?β
They replied, βWe are the Champignons, my friend.β
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Forget about the past, you canβt change it.
Forget about the future, you canβt predict it.
Forget about the present, I didnβt get you one.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. Itβs good for business.
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Which holiday is every policemanβs favorite?
National Donut Day.
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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What do a man whoβs had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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Whatβs the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
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Public Service Announcement:
βIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsβ
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Yo mama so old, her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
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Yo mama so ugly, the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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Yo mama so fat, every time she turns around itβs her birthday.
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Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and itβs still printing.
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My sinus infection is really getting into the Christmas Spirit.
Itβs all coming out green and red.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
Youβre getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as βRockyβ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
βArenβt you the same βRockyβ who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?β I asked.
βYes,β he replied, βbut now Iβm the sequel. Iβll be back three more times tonight too.β
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A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
βSure,β the airline agent said, βas long as you provide your own kennel.β
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
βIβll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWho's there?β
βHo, ho.β
βHo ho, who?β
βYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.β
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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
βExcuse me for disturbing you, maβam,β he said politely, βbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iβve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.β
βThatβs right.β
βEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.β
βWell, today is his birthday.β
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A man asked his wife, βWhat would you most like for your birthday?β
She said, βIβd love to be ten again.β
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, βWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?β One eye opened and she groaned, βActually, honey, I meant dress size!β
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At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyβs lap.
When it was his turn, Jake didnβt move, he just stared.
βDonβt you want to sit on the bunnyβs lap?β, I asked.
βNo!β, he shouted. βThereβs a man in his mouth!β
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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, βMay I try on that dress in the window, please?β
βCertainly not, madamβ, responded the salesgirl, βYouβll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.β
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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing βHappy birthday!β.
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My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.
Then I told him, βTheyβre all extinct.β
Hearing that, he said, βNo, I donβt want a stinky dinosaur.β
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, βAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?β
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, βBecause people are sleeping!β
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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
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Why did the hot dog dress up?
It felt a little halloweenie.
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Why are mountains the funniest places to go for summer vacation?
Because they are hill-arious!
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Santa Clauseβs elves went to school, guess what they learned?
The elfabets.
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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
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What is a monsterβs favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
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Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
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What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
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What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
Youβre cool!
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What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
Whatβs eating you?
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Which ice cream flavor is always celebrating?
Birthday cake!
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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
βHope your birthday is gelato fun!β
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How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?
Happy birthday to a real fungi!
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Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?
Heβs a fun-gi.
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Two menβone a brunette and the other a blondeβwere comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, βWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.β
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks β with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, βYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!β
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleβs was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherβs wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. Youβre going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, βRome? Why would anyone want to go there? Itβs crowded and dirty and full of tourists. Youβre crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?β
βWeβre taking American Airlines,β was the reply. βWe got a great rate!β
βAmerican Airlines?β exclaimed the barber. βThatβs a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and theyβre always late. So where are you staying in Rome?β
βWeβll be at the downtown International Marriott.β
βThat dump? Thatβs the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyβre overpriced.
So whatchaβ doing when you get there?β
βWeβre going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.β
βThatβs rich,β laughed the barber. βYou and a million other people trying to see him. Heβll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
Youβre going to need it.β
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
βIt was wonderful!β explained the man, βNot only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotelβit was great! Theyβd just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now itβs the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!β
βWell,β muttered the barber, βI know you didnβt get to see the Pope.β
βActually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if Iβd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.β
βReally?β asked the barber. βWhatβd he say?β
βHe said βWhereβd you get the crappy haircut?ββ
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An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesnβt speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, βMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.β
βMy God,β says his mother. βYou can speak?β
To which the German boy replies, βOf course.β
βHow come youβve never spoken before?β asks his father.
βWell,β says the boy, βup until now, everything has been satisfactory.β
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, βI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.β
βPop, what are you talking about?!β the son screams.
βWe canβt stand the sight of each other any longer,β the old man says.
βWeβre sick and tired of each other, and Iβm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.β And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
βLike Heck, theyβre getting a divorce,β she shouts. βIβll take care of this.β
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, βYou are NOT getting divorced! Donβt do a single thing until I get there. Iβm calling my brother back and weβll both be there tomorrow. Until then donβt do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!β And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
βTheyβre coming for Easter and paying their own way.β
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then heβd sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
βWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyβve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where weβre at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.β
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
βItβs just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.β
βOh no, weβre all just fine. Itβs just that itβs Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.β
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