Happy Jokes

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Happy Jokes

Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?

She had a captive audience.

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A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?

She lost out on a juicy roll.

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Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever is bugging them.

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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?

They get to meet all their old flames.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?

Heโ€™s so happy that heโ€™s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Yo mama so angry McDonaldโ€™s wonโ€™t even serve her happy meals.

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Student: โ€œTeacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?โ€œ

Teacher: โ€œOf course. Why should that day be an exception?โ€

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How can you tell when April is happy?

It has a spring in its step.

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Husband: โ€œHappy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.

Wife: โ€œYou idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.โ€

Husband: โ€œThatโ€™s why we were so happy!โ€

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, โ€œWell, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Iโ€™m not sure the IRS finds that believable.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m a great gambler, and I can prove it,โ€ says Grandpa. โ€œHow about a demonstration?โ€

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, โ€œOkay. Go ahead.โ€

Grandpa says, โ€œIโ€™ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.โ€

The auditor thinks a moment and says, โ€œItโ€™s a bet.โ€

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditorโ€™s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, โ€œNow, Iโ€™ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.โ€

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isnโ€™t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpaโ€™s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

โ€œWant to go double or nothing?โ€ Grandpa asks. โ€œIโ€™ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.โ€

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides thereโ€™s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he canโ€™t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditorโ€™s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpaโ€™s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

โ€œAre you okay?โ€ the auditor asks.

โ€œNot really,โ€ says the attorney. โ€œThis morning, when Grandpa told me heโ€™d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that youโ€™d be happy about it!โ€

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I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said, โ€œNothing, just bring a happy face.โ€

I had to cancel.

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What do you call someone whoโ€™s happy on Mondays?


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Did you hear about the happy asteroid?

It was over the moon!

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why theyโ€™re happy.

They tell him, โ€œWell, weโ€™re so sick of the cold where weโ€™re from, and this place is nice and toasty.โ€

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hellโ€™s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadiansโ€™ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what theyโ€™re doing.

โ€œWell, we canโ€™t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!โ€

Satan realizes heโ€™s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until itโ€™s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows heโ€™s won now, so he goes back to the Canadiansโ€™ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, โ€œWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!โ€

They look at him and shout at the same time, โ€œHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!โ€

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Donut worry. Be happy!

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Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years

And then Bill started working from home.

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The boss said I should go home because I really donโ€™t look good.

I donโ€™t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

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