Happy Jokes

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Happy Jokes

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever is bugging them.

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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?

They get to meet all their old flames.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?

He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Yo mama so angry McDonald’s won’t even serve her happy meals.

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Student: “Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?“

Teacher: “Of course. Why should that day be an exception?”

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How can you tell when April is happy?

It has a spring in its step.

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Husband: “Happy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.

Wife: “You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.”

Husband: “That’s why we were so happy!”

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

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I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said, “Nothing, just bring a happy face.”

I had to cancel.

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What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?


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Did you hear about the happy asteroid?

It was over the moon!

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.

They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”

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Donut worry. Be happy!

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Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years

And then Bill started working from home.

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The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.

I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

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