Enjoy our team's carefully selected Hair Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
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Hairdresser: “Would you like a haircut?”
Boy: “No, I’d like them all cut.”
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
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You might be a barrel racer if:
· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.
· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...
· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.
· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.
· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.
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Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.
“How you like it?” asked the barber.
“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”
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I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
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Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.
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Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
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Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.
Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.
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I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”
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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
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The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
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You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
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I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.
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When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonald’s.
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Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.
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Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.
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Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?
For them, every hair counts!
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A balding man was getting a haircut.
The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a thinker.”
Man: “Oh?!”
Barber: “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a lover.”
The man perked up.
Man: “What do they say if you’re bald in the front and the back?”
Barber: “That you only think you’re a lover.”
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
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You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
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The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.
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Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
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I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.
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Yo mama’s so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbacca’s cousin.
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Yo mama’s back is so hairy it looks like she’s giving Chewbacca a piggyback ride.
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Yo mama so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie.
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Your momma’s hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.
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Yo mama so hairy she found herself in a cage at the zoo.
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Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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Yo mama’s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.
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Yo mama’s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
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She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
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How do you know there’s no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
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One day the queen wanted a haircut.
No barber in England would do it. Why?
God shave the Queen.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super “Bowl Cut”.
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My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
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I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
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My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.
I couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
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I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he’s James Bond.
Well, I suppose he is a Shorn Canary.
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Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?
Because they’ve got so many Berbers!
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
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I hated my haircut at first...
But now it’s starting to grow on me.
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?
He wanted a hairytale ending.
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How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it!
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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.
He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”
“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”
The businessman sits down.
“So what would you like?” asks the barber.
“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
“I can’t do all that!” he says.
“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”
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A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful!” explained the man, “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’ brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel—it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
“He said ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?’”
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A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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What’s a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, comb all ye faithful...”
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Did you hear about the time Bob Marley went to the hairdressers?
He was dreading it.
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Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
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It was hot today and when I went outside I saw a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers.
I thought to myself, “Such a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
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What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdresser?
A middle parting.
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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Did you hear about the hairdresser?
She dyed.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, “The curlers are on me.”
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I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
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I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didn’t work out.
I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.
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I thought about dying my hair blue for a change.
But it turned out to be more of a blue-hair affair.
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Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
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Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swift’s hair comb in an online auction?
It’s his closest brush with fame.
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Marvel Studios is now against hair coloring.
In fact, their next film is about a group of people that never dye.
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What do you call Harry Styles without any hair?
Niall-fied.
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
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You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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Pepito tells his mother from the shower, “Mom, the shampoo is over.”
Mother: “Well, Pepito, use mine then.”
Pepito: “Can’t.”
Mother: “Because?”
Pepito: “Because it says it’s for dry hair, and I already have it wet.”
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Where does The Joker get his hair done?
Arkham Hairstylum.
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What do you call someone who isn’t a redhead but colors their hair red later in life?
A trans-ginger
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Why did the smiley face have hair over its face?
It’s an emo-ji.
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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.
It was my manager’s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
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Your forehead is so big, you’ll never have enough hair for bangs.
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What does every poet with a mustache dream of?
To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.
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Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
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Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
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