Gun Jokes



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Gun Jokes


A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.

โ€œHow can you shoot someone five times by accident?โ€ the officer asked.

โ€œWell, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,โ€ the man said.

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Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow.

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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, โ€œThe pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.โ€

โ€œOh, yeah?โ€ her grandson replied, โ€œSo, why is their dad carrying that rifle?โ€

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Why is it called tourist season if we canโ€™t shoot at them?

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Three American Indians get lost in the forest.

Indian No.1: โ€œWhat do we do?โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œI donโ€™t know, weโ€™re Indian, weโ€™re not supposed to get lost in the forest!โ€

Indian No.3: โ€œWe could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air.โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œHow does that help?โ€

Indian No.3: โ€œWell, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him.โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œThat sounds like a great idea!โ€ points to Indian No.1 and says, โ€œGo ahead and fire three shots in the air.โ€

Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait.

After an hour, nothing happens.

Indian No.1: โ€œSo, how long are we supposed to wait?โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œI donโ€™t know. I guess it depends on how close they are. Maybe we should try again?โ€

Indian No.3 (to Indian No.1): โ€œYeah, try firing three more shots in the air.โ€

Indian No.1: โ€œI would, but I only have two arrows left.โ€

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Dispatcher: โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

Caller: โ€œI heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œDo you have an address?โ€

Caller: โ€œNo, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?โ€

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I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant.

But he assured me he didnโ€™t want any beef.

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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.

The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.

The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.

The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure heโ€™s dead.

There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.

โ€œOkay, heโ€™s definitely dead. What next?โ€ asks the hunter.

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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.

In court, the trucking companyโ€™s lawyer was questioning Rick. โ€œDidnโ€™t you say, at the moment of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™,โ€ asked the lawyer?

Rick responded, โ€œWell, Iโ€™ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ€

โ€œI did not ask you for any details,โ€ the lawyer interrupted. โ€œJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™?โ€

Rick said, โ€œWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ€

The lawyer interrupted again and said, โ€œJudge, Iโ€™m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ€

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโ€™s answer and said to the lawyer, โ€œIโ€™d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ€

Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โ€œWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didnโ€™t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โ€˜how are you feeling?โ€™. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ€

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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter, honey?โ€ she asks. โ€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ€

Her husband looks up at her, โ€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, โ€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โ€˜You either marry her or Iโ€™ll put you in jail for 20 years!โ€™?โ€

โ€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ€ she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โ€œItโ€™s just... I would have been out today.โ€

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An Indian walks into a cafรฉ with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œSure chief, coming right up.โ€

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œWhoa, Tonto. Weโ€™re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?โ€

The Indian smiles and proudly says, โ€œMe in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.โ€

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A stormtrooper and a redshirt are in a room.

The stormtrooper shoots the redshirt, but misses every shot.

The redshirt dies anyway.

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Why donโ€™t sniper attacks work on volleyball players?

Because they always run for cover.

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My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.

I said itโ€™s for shelf-defense.

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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.

The manufacturer says itโ€™s perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.

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At one army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, โ€œDoes it bother anyone else that the army doesnโ€™t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?โ€

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What do you call tortilla chips with guns?

Loaded Nachos.

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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

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Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

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Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?

He had a gunslinger beard!

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Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

Sheโ€™s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenโ€™s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: โ€œCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.โ€

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We donโ€™t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a โ€œCAUTION โ€“ WET FLOORโ€ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heโ€™d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed โ€œWhy canโ€™t you people just leave me alone?โ€. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the โ€œMission Impossibleโ€ theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his โ€œMadonna Lookโ€ using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled โ€œPICK ME! PICK ME!โ€.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed โ€œOH NO! ITโ€™S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!โ€.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly โ€œHey! Thereโ€™s no toilet paper in hereโ€. One of the clerks passed out.

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What do you have against some people?

Wellโ€ฆ for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenadesโ€ฆ

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