Grandpa Jokes



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Grandpa Jokes


Whatโ€™s the difference between North Korea and the USA?

In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.

In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.

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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still donโ€™t know to whom that leg belonged.

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My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.

Maybe thatโ€™s why he got fired from the fire service.

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My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

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My grandad is getting old and heโ€™s starting to have a hard time with all the stares.

Itโ€™s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.

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My grandpa told me, โ€œYou Millennials are too dependent on technology.โ€

So I plugged out his life support.

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, โ€œWell, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Iโ€™m not sure the IRS finds that believable.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m a great gambler, and I can prove it,โ€ says Grandpa. โ€œHow about a demonstration?โ€

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, โ€œOkay. Go ahead.โ€

Grandpa says, โ€œIโ€™ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.โ€

The auditor thinks a moment and says, โ€œItโ€™s a bet.โ€

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditorโ€™s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, โ€œNow, Iโ€™ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.โ€

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isnโ€™t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpaโ€™s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

โ€œWant to go double or nothing?โ€ Grandpa asks. โ€œIโ€™ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.โ€

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides thereโ€™s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he canโ€™t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditorโ€™s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpaโ€™s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

โ€œAre you okay?โ€ the auditor asks.

โ€œNot really,โ€ says the attorney. โ€œThis morning, when Grandpa told me heโ€™d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that youโ€™d be happy about it!โ€

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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.

Doctor: โ€œWhat is the secret of your good health?โ€

Old man: โ€œI get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses ofย wine!

Maybe this is the secret of my health.โ€

Doctor: โ€œOkay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?โ€

Old man: โ€œMy father died! Who told you that he died?!โ€

Doctor (surprised): โ€œYou mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?โ€

Old man: โ€œHe is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.โ€

Doctor: โ€œThis is very good. This means that the long life is in your familyโ€™s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?โ€

Old man: โ€œMy grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!โ€

Doctor (puzzled): โ€œYou mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?โ€

Old man: โ€œYes, he is 123 years old.โ€

Doctor: โ€œIย think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?โ€

Old man: โ€œNo, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.โ€

Doctor (on the verge of going mad): โ€œWhy would he want to get married at the age of 123?โ€

Old man: โ€œWho said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.โ€

Doctor (shouted): โ€œBut why?!โ€

Old man: โ€œThe Girl is pregnant, thatโ€™s why.โ€

The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.

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Even though itโ€™s been 20 years since my grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi...

Itโ€™s still pretty raw.

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Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.

He didnโ€™t have any special powers, he just couldnโ€™t get out of the bath without any assistance.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

โ€œSon,โ€ said the man, โ€œeating too much candy isnโ€™t good for you.โ€

โ€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ€ Johnny replies.

โ€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œHe minded his own damn business!โ€

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I love being a grandparent in retirement.

I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.

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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

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