Grandma Jokes



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Grandma Jokes


My grandma got a hip replacement.

My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.

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What do minions call their grandmothers?

Ba-nanas.

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My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them.

I fulfilled her wish.

Sheโ€™s dead and berried.

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My grandma is in her 90โ€™s and she still doesnโ€™t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

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A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wa-Mart in a buggy.

Each time she put something in the basket, she would say โ€œAnd hereโ€™s something for you, Diplomaโ€ or โ€œThis will make a cute little outfit for you, Diplomaโ€ and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper whoโ€™d heard all this finally asked, โ€œWhy do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?โ€

The grandmother replied, โ€œI sent my daughter to the University of Virginia, and this is what she came home with!โ€

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โ€œOh, I sure am glad to see you,โ€ the little boy said to his grandmother. โ€œNow daddy will do the trick heโ€™s been promising us.โ€

The grandmother was curious.

โ€œWhat trick is that?โ€ she asked.

โ€œHe told Mommy that heโ€™d climb the walls if you came to visit,โ€ answered the boy.

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair.

Nice way to go.

The dentist got a shock, though.

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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, โ€œYour cat got run over by a car and died.โ€

The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.

His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.

A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.

โ€œWhat?โ€ he asks.

His friend replies, โ€œYour grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.โ€

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I stopped by grandmotherโ€™s house and Iโ€™m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.

Sheโ€™s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess Iโ€™ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.

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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, โ€œIโ€™d like to have some birth control pills.โ€

Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, โ€œExcuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youโ€™re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?โ€

The woman responded, โ€œThey help me sleep better.โ€

The pharmacist thought some more and continued, โ€œHow in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?โ€

The woman said, โ€œI put them in my granddaughterโ€™s orange juice and I sleep better at night.โ€

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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!

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