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Jokes on God



Enjoy our team's carefully selected God Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



God Jokes


A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, โ€œI donโ€™t know how to use this.โ€

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, โ€œYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ€

He said, โ€œSure.โ€

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, โ€œThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ€

The man heard her little prayer and replied, โ€œLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ€

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โ€œOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray โ€œTake only one, God is watchingโ€.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, โ€œTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old manโ€™s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, โ€œI really think Iโ€™m leaving Dad at home next time!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, โ€œGod, how could you do this to me?โ€

And a voice from the heavens responded, โ€œTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโ€™t recognize you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, โ€œIโ€™m God, looks like you were wrong about me.โ€

Nietzsche replies, โ€œNot at all. If youโ€™re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do people say donuts are made by God?

Because they are hole-y.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so tall, when she did a backflip, she digs God in the face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but canโ€™t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

โ€œStop it!โ€ yells the nun. โ€œYou canโ€™t use the Lordโ€™s name in vain like that!โ€

The priest apologizes, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ grumbles the nun.

The match continues. Itโ€™s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, โ€œDamn it! I missed!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each childโ€™s artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, โ€œIโ€™m drawing God.โ€

The teacher paused and said, โ€œBut no one knows what God looks like.โ€

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, โ€œThey will in a minute.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

โ€œSee here, old fellow,โ€ said Jesus kindly, โ€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโ€™ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playโ€”youโ€™re supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the old man, โ€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ€

Tears sprang from Jesusโ€™ eyes.

โ€œFATHER!โ€ he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โ€œPINOCCHIO!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If God really made everythingโ€ฆ

Heโ€™s Chinese, right?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, โ€œI want to be gorgeous.โ€

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the manโ€™s turn came, he laughed and said, โ€œI wish they were all ugly again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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