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Jokes on God



Enjoy our team's carefully selected God Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but canโ€™t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

โ€œStop it!โ€ yells the nun. โ€œYou canโ€™t use the Lords name in vain like that!โ€

The priest apologizes, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ grumbles the nun.

The match continues. Itโ€™s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, โ€œDamn it! I missed!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each childโ€™s artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, โ€œIโ€™m drawing God.โ€

The teacher paused and said, โ€œBut no one knows what God looks like.โ€

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, โ€œThey will in a minute.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

โ€œSee here, old fellow,โ€ said Jesus kindly, โ€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโ€™ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play โ€” youโ€™re supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the old man, โ€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ€

Tears sprang from Jesusโ€™ eyes.

โ€œFATHER!โ€ he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โ€œPINOCCHIO!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If God really made everythingโ€ฆ

Heโ€™s Chinese, right?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, โ€œI want to be gorgeous.โ€

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the manโ€™s turn came, he laughed and said, โ€œI wish they were all ugly again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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