Jokes on Football
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Football Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”
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What do the San Francisco 49ers playoff run and the Civil War have in common?
Both of them were ended by a man named Sherman.
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What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common?
They don’t deliver on Sunday.
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Did you hear about the joke that Joe Montana told his receivers?
It went over their heads.
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What did 49ers fans think about the new lights at Levi’s Stadium?
They gave it glowing reviews.
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What’s the difference between Terrell Owens and a puppy?
The puppy eventually grows up and stops whining.
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What did the Rams fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
He turned off his XBox.
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What happens to NFC football players who go blind?
They become referees.
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Why doesn’t the Rams football team have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.
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What kind of tea do Niners Cornerbacks drink?
Penaltea.
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What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?
Quarterbacks.
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How do you hire a Forty Niners punter?
By putting him on stilts.
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Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net.
Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, “OK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”
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Chuck Norris can win a football game by spiking a tennis ball over a volleyball net.
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Why do football players struggle at bowling?
Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!
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Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super “Bowl Cut”.
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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”
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The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”
Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”
Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”
Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”
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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”
I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
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