Enjoy our team's carefully selected Food Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My friend thinks heβs intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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Sunday school teacher: βTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?β
Johnny: βNo, maβam, I donβt have to. My momβs a good cook.β
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A woman asks a waiter, βWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!β
The waiter says, βShivering, madam.β
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominoβs Pizza:
Customer: βYoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, itβs just bread!β
Dominoβs: βWeβre sorry to hear about this.β
Customer (minutes later): βNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...β
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Pizza Man: βDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?β
Customer: βYou better make it six. I donβt think I can eat eight.β
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I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, βOrder!β
So I replied, βFried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.β
Now Iβm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
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Customer: βWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.β
Waiter: βThen why arenβt you laughing?β
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnβt wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, βDidnβt you like the muffs?β
The Foreman said, βTheyβre a thing of beauty.β
βWhy donβt you wear them?β The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, βI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnβt hear him! Never again, never again!β
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
βHuman creature,β the alien bellows, βwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.β
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, βWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. Weβd take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and weβd eat it right off the stick.β
βThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?β
βOh, nowadays we use two sticks.β
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Officer: βDo you know why I stopped you?β
Blonde: βBecause I didnβt pull out of the donut shop too fast?β
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A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.
βI wish Iβd reached the stick already,β he mumbles to himself.
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerβs boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, βIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?β
Quickly he replied, βIf it was you who asked, Iβd still have 4 pickles.β
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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
βWhatβs wrong?β I asked her.
She replied, βThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.β
I said, βOkay, how about in the fridge?β
She said, βNo, silly, thereβs a little light inside.β
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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that theyβd never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, βI wouldnβt eat that if I were you.β
βWhy not?β
βI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.β
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, βThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.β
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, βWhich do you want, son?β
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
βWhat did I tell you?β, said the barber. βThat kid never learns!β
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
βHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?β
The boy licked his cone and replied, βBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!β
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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, βI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.β
βOdd,β her companion replies, βbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.β
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
βTwo dogs, please,β she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their βdogsβ.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, βWhat part did you get?β
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My friend: βMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.β
Me: βHey babe, what do you wanna eat?β
Her: βNothing.β
Me: Flies to Africa.
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My kids wonβt eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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βWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?β The husband asks his wife.
βIn a detective novel,β she answers.
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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
βHow wonderful! I hope you donβt mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?β
βHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.β
βOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?β
βHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.β
βOh, how terrible! Iβm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.β
βHe died of a broken neck.β
βA broken neck?β
βHe wouldnβt eat the mushrooms.β
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Two menβone a brunette and the other a blondeβwere comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, βWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.β
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks β with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, βYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!β
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How come βyouβre a peachβ is a compliment, but βyouβre bananasβ is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
Itβs now called Red Bull.
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Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
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Itβs so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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Itβs so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
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Itβs so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
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My cousin works in a chocolate shop.
He works behind the bar.
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These days, shoes are called snickers.
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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Letβs just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
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Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
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I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.
He canβt take it, but he can dish it out.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, βOuch!β and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, βOuch!β and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, βOuch!β and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, βWhatβs the matter with you guys?β
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Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.
Iβm always tripping on them.
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All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
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A manβs bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
βLook, being a vice president isnβt that special,β she said. βThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!β
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, βGet me the vice president of peas!β
The clerk replied, βFresh, canned, or frozen?β
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What should you give a pumpkin who canβt quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: βBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!β
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: βNOW THERE ARE TWO!!β
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What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?
Stuffing his face!
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Yo mamaβs so dumb she thought that Jar Jar comes with pickles pickles.
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Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying βwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downβ.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, βWeeeeeeee!β
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, βCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?β
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
βNo,β says the man, βI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.β
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I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog.
After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasnβt good for dogs.
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What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?
A Tinder surprise.
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life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Itβs more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
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What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
βWow! Donut seeds!β
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Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonaldβs drive-through sign she drove through the building.
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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
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Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.
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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and Iβm satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says heβs probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, βWould you mind if I throw him a bit?β
βNot at all,β the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
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My friend keeps saying, βEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.β
I said, βTry ordering Tacos instead.β
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, βSir, I couldnβt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?β
The man gets really annoyed and says, βOfficer, I couldnβt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?β
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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I asked my girlfriend if sheβd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.
She said, βYes!β
I said, βGood, because Iβm breaking up with you.β
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Why donβt blondes eat bananas?
They canβt find the zipper.
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Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeΓ±os cry.
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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
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Your mama is so dumb when dad said itβs chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
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βAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationβ
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
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Guess what coffee and motivational coaches have in common?
They encourage people to espresso themselves!
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Boyfriend: βI love you.β
Girlfriend: βIs that you or the wine talking?β
Boyfriend: βItβs me talking to the wine.β
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The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: βAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?β
Abdul: βSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.β
Today is Abdulβs farewell party.
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, βIβm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.β
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, βYou still there sweetheart?β
She replied, βYeah... but I donβt think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.β
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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
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Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
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Priest: βDonβt drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.β
Alcoholic: βReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?β
Priest: βHe will also go to hell.β
Alcoholic: βOK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?β
Priest: βShe too will go to hell.β
Alcoholic: βIn that case, I have no problem going to hell.β
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, βHey.β
The horse said, βNah, just beer, please. I just ate.β
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Age is important only if youβre cheese and wine.
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, βIβll have an H2O please.β
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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
βI will grant you three wishes,β intones the genie.
βGive me a bottomless mug of beer,β the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
βAnd for your other two wishes?β
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, βGive me two more just like this one!β
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Yo momma is so stupid when I said βDrinks are on the houseβ she got a ladder.
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Yo mamaβs so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said βconcentrateβ.
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Itβs so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
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Itβs so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
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Chocolate is like guns.
If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.
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Seven days without chocolate...
Makes one weak.
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I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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You need to understand the difference between want and need.
Like I want abs, but I need donuts.
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The optimist sees the donut whole.
The pessimist sees the donut hole.
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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.
I donβt know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.
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I went to Dunkinβ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
Iβve been banned for life from that shop.
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Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party.
You want to do it, but you donβt want to be the first, and you definitely donβt want to be the only one.
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I own a solar powered food maker.
Itβs an apple tree.
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I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.
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I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet but then my browser froze.
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Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.
Best trade I ever made.
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βYou know, I think itβs your turn to pick wild mushrooms.β My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.
Heβs the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.
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Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
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Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
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Donβt walk through a field of mushrooms.
Itβs quite a tripping hazard.
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I always shout βPIZZAβS HEREβ so the delivery guy doesnβt think Iβm eating those two pizzas by myself.
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Itβs very time-consuming.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
βAre you feeling ill?β
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they donβt peel.
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because itβs the best thing for a hot dog.
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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βWaiter, will my pizza be long?β
βNo sir, it will be round!β
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Why donβt pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?
Hard to swallow.
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What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?
Property of obesity.
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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?
So that itβll fit inside the box.
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Whatβs the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didnβt have a dog.
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.
Is anyone else not offended we still donβt have a Himhe bar?
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What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
Weβve got a rocky road ahead of us...
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What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
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How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy thatβs plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
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Why do many donuts feel sad?
Because they feel really empty inside.
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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
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What is every policemanβs favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
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Which holiday is every policemanβs favorite?
National Donut Day.
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What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
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Your boyfriend doesnβt get your fruit puns?
You got to let that mango.
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Whatβs the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?
Oneβs bad guys having a fun time and the other oneβs fungi having a bad time!
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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
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What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles!
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Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
βIβm sorry, Iβm too mature for you.β
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What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
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Why donβt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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Whatβs under the Pillsbury Doughboyβs apron?
Donuts.
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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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A woman goes to her boyfriendβs parentsβ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnβt loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendβs father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenβs feet, and said in a rather stern voice, βGinger!β
The woman thought, βThis is great!β and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnβt hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, βDammit, Ginger!β
Once again the woman smiled and thought, βYes!β
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnβt even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, βDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!β
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Broccoli: βHey, I look like a tree.β
Mushroom: βWow, I look just like an umbrella.β
Walnut: βI look exactly like a brain.β
Banana: βMan, can we change the topic please?β
π π π
I heard Dunkinβ Donuts has a cold brew now.
Cool beans.
π π π
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing βHappy birthday!β.
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Why shouldnβt you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
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One snowman said to another, βIβd heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...β
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, βI bet a donut wouldnβt have done this to me.β
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, βDo you sell carrots?β
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, βNo, this is a pharmacy.β
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, βAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.β
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, βLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.β
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, βDo you sell carrots?β
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
βDo ya seh cahot juys?β
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The cook gifted his girlfriend something she would like. Guess what?
An onion ring.
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One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, βDo you have onion-flavored ice cream?β
The guy says, βNo, we donβt have onion-flavored ice cream.β
So the kid says, βOk,β and leaves.
The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.
The guy again informs him that they donβt carry onion-flavored ice cream.
This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.
So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.
Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.
βYes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!β
The kid replies, βYou must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!β
π π π
An onion just told me a joke.
I donβt know whether to laugh or cry.
π π π
Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
π π π
So hot dog, we meat again.
π π π
A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.
The judge is quite exasperated.
Judge to the homeless man: βDo you deny this?β
Homeless man: βNo, your honor.β
Judge: βDo you have any coins?β
Homeless man: βJust a few quarters, your Honor.β
Judge: βGive them here.β
Homeless man: βYour Honor, theyβre all I have!β
Judge: βThat may be so, but please just give me those coins.β
Homeless man: βVery well.β Hands over the coins.
Judge to the stand owner: βPay close attention.β Drops coins on the table. βDid you hear that?β
Stand owner: βYes, your Honor.β
Judge: βExcellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.β
π π π
I love vegan food!
It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.
π π π
βDad, I donβt want to go to school today,β said the boy.
βWhy not, son?β
βWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.β
βBut why donβt you want to go today?β
βBecause our English teacher died yesterday!β
π π π
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that theyβll play a game with the kids. Theyβll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
βWell,β he says, βitβs what mommy calls me sometimesβ.
The little girl screams, βDonβt eat it! Itβs an asshole!β
π π π
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
π π π
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, βIβm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?β
His wife answers, βYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.β
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, βHoney, are you sure you donβt want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.β
βNo, no, Iβm sure Iβll remember what you asked for.β
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, βWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!β
π π π
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first moleβdaddy moleβwakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, βMmmmm... I smell bacon!β
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, βMmmmm... I smell pancakes!β
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, βAll I can smell is molasses!β
π π π
I hate when Iβm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
π π π
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
π π π
Me, at the hot dog stand: βCan I get a jumbo sausage?β
Hot dog guy: βSure. Wonβt be long.β
Me: βIn that case, can I have two?β
π π π
Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
π π π
Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.
But it turned out to be a sausage fest.
π π π
Have you ever been to a hot dog factory?
No, I havenβt sausage a place.
π π π
What do you call a sausage whoβs been sunbathing all day?
Done!
π π π
Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hot dogs?
Because for them itβs considered to be a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.
π π π
What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?
Youβre the wurst.
π π π
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
π π π
If you donβt like hot dogs, I think youβre the wurst.
π π π
The family got completely lost on their journey to the hot dog stand.
They took a turn for the wurst.
π π π
What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?
The WURST!
π π π
What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
π π π
I have an idea for a make-your-own hot dog place.
Itβs called βWhatβs the Wurst That Could Happen?β.
π π π
Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?
Itβs because they make the best and the wurst ones.
π π π
I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .
Thatβs when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.
π π π
They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
π π π
I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
π π π
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
π π π
When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
π π π
A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, βBetcha canβt just one!β
Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
π π π
A blonde enters a library.
She goes to the counter and says, βIβll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.β
The librarian says, βMaβam this is a library.β
So the blonde leans in and whispers, βIβd like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.β
π π π
How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
π π π
I was eating a hot dog the other day and when I took a bite, ketchup squirted in my eye...
Now I have heinzsight.
π π π
Why does ketchup on hot dogs spoil early?
Because the sauce-ages.
π π π
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
π π π
What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?
Relish today...
And Ketchup tomorrow.
π π π
Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?
Because it refuses to ketchup.
π π π
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
βCome on, ketch-up!β
π π π
Itβs so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.
π π π
I went to a church menβs campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, βHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.β
βTo which Joe replies, βChocolate sausage.β
This gets everyoneβs attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, βThis doesnβt taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..β
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, βThe horse was named Chocolate.β
π π π
What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
π π π
Personally, I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms... breakfast of champignons.
π π π
Yo mamaβs appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
π π π
Itβs so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
π π π
What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
βIf I had as much dough as you, I wouldnβt be hanging around this hole.β
π π π
What do cops call it when theyβre called out to the local donut bakery?
Bread Alert!
π π π
Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
π π π
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
π π π
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
βExcuse me for disturbing you, maβam,β he said politely, βbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iβve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.β
βThatβs right.β
βEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.β
βWell, today is his birthday.β
π π π
Yo mama so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
π π π
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, βPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canβt figure out how to get started.β
Her boyfriend asks, βWhat is it supposed to be when itβs finished?β
The blonde says, βAccording to the picture on the box, itβs a rooster.β
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, βFirst of all, no matter what we do, weβre not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.β
He takes her hand and says, βSecond, I want you to relax. Letβs have a nice cup of tea, and then,β he said with a deep sigh, βletβs put all the corn flakes back in the box.β
π π π
Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.
Cashier: βYou must be single, right?β
Me: βYes! How did you know?β
Cashier: βBecause youβre ugly.β
π π π
Itβs so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
π π π
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.
π π π
What are the sunβs favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
π π π
During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
Heβs unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
β Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
β Doesnβt need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
β Has great packaging.
π π π
Does anybody go to the donut party?
I heard it was jam packed.
π π π
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?
βI hope you like jam in too.β
π π π
How was the donutsβ hole business?
Not at all jam-packed.
π π π
How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
π π π
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wiβ jam in.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?
A Ferrari Rocher!
π π π
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.
I have to admit it was a rocky road.
π π π
Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
π π π
Which nut has a hole in it?
A donut.
π π π
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
π π π
Cop Cuisine Point to Ponder:
Do cops like doughnuts better when theyβre spelled Do-Nuts?
π π π
The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: βHello Sir, can I take your order?β
Me: βYes, Iβd like a male hot fudge sundae please.β
Parlor: βIβm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?β
Me: βYes, with nuts.β
π π π
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, βSonny, would you like some nuts? Iβve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youβd like.β
βSure.β, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
βWhat a nice ladyβ, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, βWhy donβt you eat them yourself?β
βBecause weβve got no teeth,β she replied.
βThen why do you buy them?β, I asked.
βOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.β
π π π
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, βCrushed nuts?β
βNo,β he replied, βarthritis.β
π π π
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyoneβs amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, βDid you see what your monkey just did?β
βNo, what?β
βHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table β whole!β
βYeah, that doesnβt surprise me,β replied the guy, βHe eats everything in sight, donβt worry, Iβll pay for the cue ball.β
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, βDid you see what that filthy ape just did?β
βNo, what?β asked the man.
βWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.β
βYeah, that doesnβt surprise me,β replied the guy. βHeβll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCash.β
βCash, who?β
βNo thanks, but Iβd love some peanuts.β
π π π
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
π π π
Itβs so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
π π π
Guess the difference between a hot dog and a corn dog?
Oneβs stuck up, while the other is laid back!
π π π
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
π π π
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
π π π
What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. Itβs good for business.
π π π
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
π π π
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mβs are protesting?
They start painting the m letters upside-down.
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mβs are protesting really hard?
They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.
π π π
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
βSon,β said the man, βeating too much candy isnβt good for you.β
βMy grandfather lived to be 100,β Johnny replies.
βDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?β the man asks.
βNo,β said Johnny, βHe minded his own damn business!β
π π π
I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
π π π
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe itβs Pharaoh Roche.
π π π
Why did the candy bar cross the road?
Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!
π π π
Which is the clumsiest candy bar?
A Butterfinger!
π π π
Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?
A Bounty-ful!
π π π
There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?
Choco-late.
π π π
Why didnβt the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didnβt have the stomach for it!
π π π
Itβs cleaning day today.
Iβve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
π π π
I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
π π π
A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, βMan! Iβm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You canβt beat that!β
The engineer replied, βYou wanna see something better? Letβs go back to the shop and Iβll show you real stealing.β
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, βDo you wanna see magic?β
The shop boy replied, βYes!!!β
The engineer said, βGive me one chocolate bar.β
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, βBut whereβs the magic?β
The engineer replied, βCheck in my friendβs pocket, and youβll find them!β
π π π
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, βNo, you can taek-won-do.β
π π π
What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
π π π
Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
π π π
My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
π π π
I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasnβt that funny.
So I just snickered...
π π π
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didnβt buy it and he certainly didnβt buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.
π π π
What did the sign on the bakerβs door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
π π π
Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.
π π π
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
π π π
The arrogant baker declared, βYouβll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.β
The customer agreed, βIt must be the double glazing.β
π π π
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
π π π
How do beat cops define the word βdoughnutβ?
A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.
π π π
Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?
He was caught pinching the salt.
π π π
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesnβt speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, βMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.β
βMy God,β says his mother. βYou can speak?β
To which the German boy replies, βOf course.β
βHow come youβve never spoken before?β asks his father.
βWell,β says the boy, βup until now, everything has been satisfactory.β
π π π
Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
π π π
What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
Youβre cool!
π π π
What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
Whatβs eating you?
π π π
Which ice cream flavor is always celebrating?
Birthday cake!
π π π
An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.
They are wanted for dessertion.
π π π
I love Valentineβs Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.
Good times.
π π π
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, βThatβs the fourth time youβve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesnβt it embarrass you?β
βWhy should it?β answered her spouse. βI keep telling them itβs for you.β
π π π
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
π π π
Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
π π π
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Β
Alexβa little boy of nineβwas playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, βWhatβve you got in your trailer?β
βManure,β farmer Smith replied.
βWhat are you going to do with it?β asked Alex.
βPut it on my pumpkins,β answered the farmer.
Alex replied, βYou ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.β
π π π
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumnβy ache.
π π π
Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
π π π
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought, βThe streets are strangely desserted tonight.β
π π π
Whatβs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
π π π
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray βTake only one, God is watchingβ.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, βTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.β
π π π
There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itβs the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, βNo, they are for the funeral.β
π π π
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: βPizza because Iβm so cheesy.β
Friend 2: βChocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.β
Me: βDonut because Iβm so empty inside.β
π π π
Iβm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.
Mem-Oreo Day.
π π π
It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
π π π
It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
π π π
How do you accurately guess what youβre having for dinner?
You cook it yourself!
π π π
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
π π π
Yo mama so dumb she uses Old Spice body wash to cook.
π π π
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeβs back and says:
βCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youβre frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyβre sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donβt forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!β
The wife stares at her husband:
βWhatβs wrong with you?! You think I canβt fry a few eggs?!β
The husband answers calmly:
βI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iβm driving.β
π π π
Made gluten-free spaghetti for dinner.
When I asked my boyfriend why he wasnβt eating it, he said, βItβs not real spaghetti. Itβs an impasta.β
π π π
A man walks into the doctorβs office.
A penne stuck in one of his ears, a spaghetti in the other ear, and a tortellini stuck in one nostril.
Man: βDoctor, this is terrible. Whatβs wrong with me?β
Doctor: βWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.β
π π π
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, βPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.β
π π π
It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
π π π
Itβs so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they wonβt lay boiled eggs.
π π π
Itβs so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
π π π
Public Service Announcement:
βIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsβ
π π π
Why shouldnβt you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
π π π
Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
π π π
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because itβs easier than trying to wallpaper them!
π π π
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
π π π
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, βWhoβs first?β
π π π
Itβs so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
π π π
Whatβs a veganβs favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
π π π
Our love is a fruit salad!
We are a great pear and I cherryish you.
π π π
When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When itβs a snowmanβs nose!
π π π
Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?
The salad bar.
π π π
Why canβt tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
π π π
Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.
So the diners got a raw deal.
π π π
A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, βI forgot my wallet.β
π π π
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, βDo you have frog legs?β
The waiter looks offended, βNo, Iβve always walked like that!β
π π π
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
Thereβs no menuβyou get what you deserve.
π π π
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
π π π
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
π π π
What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
π π π
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
π π π
Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
π π π
Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
π π π
A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, βIβve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.β
The hamburger replies, βPlease, beef frank.β
π π π
A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hot dog.
A butcher says, βAh, thatβs bologna.β
π π π
Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
π π π
Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didnβt relish it.
π π π
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty-dollar bill, and said, βMake me one with everything.β
The vendor pocketed the money and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog.
The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.
The vendor looked at him and said, βChange comes from within.β
π π π
What do you have to put on your hot dogs?
Must-ard!
π π π
I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
Iβm on a roll.
π π π
Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesnβt want to be a hot dog.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
π π π
Hot dog, itβs your birthday!
Letβs be Frank, youβre probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead β donβt be a weenie!
Relish every moment of your celebration!
π π π
Why did the hot dog dress up?
It felt a little halloweenie.
π π π
What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?
He put it in the shade.
π π π
I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!
I relished the opportunity!
π π π
There are no losers when eating hot dogs.
Only wieners.
π π π
The hot dog asked his friend, βHave you been to the German nightclub yet?β
His friend hadnβt, it was too krauted.
π π π
What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
π π π
What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?
Relish it.
π π π
I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...
For some reason, Anneβs Franks hasnβt been very popular with the target audience.
π π π
Why do all hot dogs look the same after coming off the grill?
Because they are in-bred.
π π π
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
π π π
How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?
With relish.
π π π
What do you call a saw that cuts hot dogs?
Sawsage.
π π π
A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, βIβm sorry, but we donβt serve food here.β
π π π
I stepped into my shower today only to find hot dogs coming out of the shower head.
My plumber calls it a βmeatier showerβ.
π π π
A blond goes up to the librarian.
Blond: βCan I have a hot dog?β
Librarian: βSorry, Madam, but this is a library.β
Blond: βOh, sorry!β says quietly. βCan I have a hot dog?β
π π π
Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?
To prove he wasnβt chicken!
π π π
I just had a very serious discussion about hot dogs...
It was a frank discussion.
π π π
A good friend of mineβFrankβowns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.
He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.
π π π
A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.
Yam: βCan I be candied with you?β
Hot dog: βIn that case, let me be frank.β
π π π
Customer: βGive me a hot dog.β
Waiter: βWith pleasure.β
Customer: βNo, with sauerkraut!β
π π π
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
βGive me a couple of steaks,β he says.
βWeβre out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,β says the butcher.
βHot dogs and chicken?!β yells the hunter. βHow can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!β
π π π
Hot dogs and I have a very frank relationship!
π π π
What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
π π π
When does a hot dog have a close shave?
At the barber-cue!
π π π
Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
π π π
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
π π π
Son: βDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?β
Dad: βBecause your mother loves Roses.β
Son: βOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!β
Dad: βNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.β
π π π
What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
βIβm a wiener!β
π π π
Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar Wiener.
π π π
What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?
McLady.
π π π
What did the French Fry say to the Hamburger?
I guess thatβs a wrap!
π π π
What did the taco say to the depressed donut?
Taco: βWant to taco bout it?β
Donut: βI donut know what to say.β
π π π
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
π π π
Why didnβt the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
π π π
A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
Itβs quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: βNice tie.β
He looks around, but he doesnβt see anyone.
The voice speaks again: βGreat haircut.β A few moments later: βCongratulations on your promotion.β
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, βThatβs the pretzels, theyβre complimentary.β
π π π
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, βExcuse me, Father, I donβt mean to trouble you, but Iβm very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.β
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that heβs speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
βThat is truly a noble calling,β he says. βMost frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.β
βThat sounds like a very involved process,β the donut confesses. βIβm not sure I have the time.β
βIf you donβt mind me asking...β replies the priest. βWhat made you think you wanted to join the clergy if youβre not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?β
βWell...β the donut answers. βSee, itβs because Iβm holey.β
π π π
WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
π π π
A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.
βWhatβs your favorite flavor?β asks the friend.
βCharm,β replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
βWhy is it that whenever I ask you a question,β begins the friend, βyour answer is always strange?β
βWell, itβs strange βnowβ,β the physicist protests, βshouldnβt have waited a picosecond.β
π π π
A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, Iβd like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, whatβs with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
π π π
Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, βWhat flavors do you have?β
The attendant says, βOver there on the signs on the wall, youβll see them all.β
Client goes, βEhm, well Iβll have a cone with two scoops of βMondays Closedβ.β
π π π
A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, βWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?β
The man replies, βThe one in the freezer, Iβm pretty sure itβs warmer in there.β
π π π
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, βNow Iβll show you this frog in my pocket.β
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, βThatβs funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.β
π π π
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
βNot so loud!β he said.
βWhat?β she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
βI said not so loud!β was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
βHow was your day?β questioned the man from behind once again.
βPretty good,β responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
βDid you pass the exam?β came the next question from behind.
βI donβt know, I didnβt get my grade yet,β replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
βIβll have to call you back when Iβm out of hereβ, came the voice from behind once again, βsome nut job is answering every question I ask you!β
π π π
A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.
In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
βI want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.β
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, βWhy did you want so many scoops of ice cream?β
βWell, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.β
The cashier hands him the cone but heβs a little confused and asked another question.
βAnd what is it that you have that I donβt?β
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, βOnly two dollars in change.β And he ran out of parlor.
π π π
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, βNo mushrooms. They are too high.β
He said, βWhy donβt you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.β
She said, βNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.β
He said, βWell, I see varmints eating them and theyβre OK.β
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olβ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olβ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Olβ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnβt seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenβs ear.
She said, βMrs. Grim, Olβ Spot just died.β
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, βThatβs bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weβll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneβs stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.β
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, βI think everything will be fine now,β and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, βYou know, that fellow that ran over OlβSpot never even stopped.β
π π π
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, βHow much money do you make a week?β
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, βI make a little over $400 a week, why?β
The CEO said, βWait right here.β
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, βHereβs four weeksβ pay. Now GET OUT and donβt come back.β
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, βDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?β
From across the room, a voice said, βSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.β
π π π
What do you call a dog with a fever?
Hot dog.
π π π
What do you call a candid hot dog?
A frankfurter.
π π π
What do you call a frozen frankfurter?
A chili dog.
π π π
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A hollow-weenie!
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite food?
French flies.
π π π
What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
π π π
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
π π π
Why did M&M go to University?
Because he wanted to be a Smartie.
π π π
Did you hear about the magician who had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve.
π π π
What is the moonβs favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
π π π
I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
π π π
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
π π π
I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.
Itβs called βHole Foodsβ.
π π π
What did the cops see after they told the Pillsbury Doughboy to spread βem?
Doughnuts!
π π π
Which kind of donuts can fly?
The plane ones.
π π π
How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
π π π
What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
βSure, Bert.β
π π π
Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?
He thought that any morel would do.
π π π
What does the mushroom say to his lover?
βI have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!β
π π π
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
π π π
At the party, the vegetarian girl wonβt eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
π π π
I have so mush-room in my heart for you.
π π π
How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?
Happy birthday to a real fungi!
π π π
Who would be the best food to hang out with, a strawberry, a banana or a mushroom?
A mushroom of course, because heβs a fun-gi.
π π π
He may have been a fun-gi, but he sure did have questionable morels.
π π π
Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?
Button Mushrooms.
π π π
I went to the mycologistsβ convention, but there was too much shii-take.
π π π
What room has no doors, walls, or floor?
A mushroom.
π π π
Whatβs the only room in your house you canβt go into?
A mushroom.
π π π
Whatβs the worldβs biggest mushroom competition?
The champignonβs league.
π π π
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
βHelp! Iβm in truffle!β
π π π
What do you get if a frog eats a mushroom?
A toadstool.
π π π
What sort of room can you eat?
A mushroom.
π π π
Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they donβt leave mush-rooms for debate.
π π π
What did the teacher say about the studentβs attempt at making pizza?
Thereβs so mush-room for improvement.
π π π
What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?
A shii-talkin mushroom.
π π π
What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
π π π
Why are mushroom children so good?
They donβt want to get in truffle.
π π π
What happens when one fungi marries another fungi?
They become fungus!
π π π
What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?
Shii-talkin!
π π π
I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
π π π
My stomach doesnβt tolerate mushrooms.
They really give me a shii-take.
π π π
Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?
He had no morel compass.
π π π
Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
π π π
Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?
Itβs too much truffle.
π π π
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said, βYouβre brilliant, whatβs the band called?β
They replied, βWe are the Champignons, my friend.β
π π π
I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
π π π
Why are mushrooms popular at parties?
Because everyone loves a fun-gi.
π π π
Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.
One of them said, βSorry there is not mush-room.β
π π π
So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, βWe donβt serve mushrooms here. Youβre always ruining jokes.β
The mushroom says, βCome on. Iβm a fun-gi.β
π π π
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now heβs a fun-gi.
π π π
Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...
Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchersβ strong morel fiber.
π π π
What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?
A fun-gal.
π π π
What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
βNo thanks. I donβt have mush-room left in my stomach.β
π π π
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
π π π
Two mushrooms were talking about politics.
One mushroom said, βI think that women shouldnβt be allowed to vote.β
The other said, βThatβs a shiitake.β
π π π
Why donβt mushrooms always get along?
They like to shii-take others.
π π π
What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
π π π
What kind of mushroom gets beat up the most?
A shiitake mushroom.
π π π
Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
π π π
Iβve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.
My wife says itβs not right, but Iβm sticking to my morels.
π π π
I canβt stop my mushroom from leaning.
I think I need some morel support.
π π π
Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.
I call them the morel majority.
π π π
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
π π π
I donβt trust people who donβt like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
π π π
Why are books about mushrooms so confusing?
They have too many different morels.
π π π
Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
π π π
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Iβm feeling canneloni right now.
π π π
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
π π π
What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
π π π
How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
π π π
Life is gourd.
π π π
Youβre gourdgeous!
π π π
We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.
Itβs for autumnmobiles.
π π π
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
π π π
Where do pumpkins hold meetings?
In the gourdroom.
π π π
Youβre a wiener!
π π π
Letβs be frank... youβre OLD!
π π π
Relish every moment!
π π π
Let me be frank, I love the summer.
π π π
Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
π π π
When do franks tell insults?
At a wienie roast.
π π π
How do aliens pay for coffee?
They use star bucks!
π π π
The electricianβs favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
π π π
How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
π π π
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.
I thought theyβd be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...
That in-prison mint isnβt as bad as I expected!
π π π
Guess what type of fish frequents the best reefs in the ocean?
The so-fish-ticated type.
π π π
Guess what the pickle did when he had a bad day?
He just had to dill.
π π π
A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?
His marinara rights.
π π π
I really want to start a donut shop.
But I donβt have enough dough.
π π π
The donut shop got robbed.
The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.
π π π
Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.
Theyβre torus traps.
π π π
What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said βDonut disturb!β.
π π π
Please, donut break my heart.
π π π
Donut judge me for being a dessert lover!
π π π
Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, βYou better eat hole foods.β
π π π
What would you call a cute and sassy donut?
Glazing adoughrable.
π π π
What would donutsβ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
π π π
What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?
Donut kill my vibe!
π π π
How can you justify donuts being healthy?
Because they are included in the hole food category.
π π π
Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
π π π
What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
π π π
Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
π π π
What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Letβs go to Dunkinβ Donuts for the hole food protein!
π π π
What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
βI donut care anymore.β
π π π
Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?
Because it is very hole-y.
π π π
Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
π π π
What did the doughy wife say to the donut husband?
βDonut talk to me!β
π π π
Hole me closer, tiny donut.
π π π
Itβs your birthday; letβs donuts!
π π π
Do or donut, there is no try.
π π π
Donut worry. Be happy!
π π π
Letβs go to Dunkin!
We need more hole foods!
π π π
You donut know how much I love you!
π π π
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
Theyβre always glazing over the important stuff.
π π π
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
π π π
What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
π π π
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
Itβs a sad story, but the real victims are their children. Theyβre in for a grueling custardy battle.
π π π
Whatβs the National Donut Day theme song?
βDonut Stop Believingβ.
π π π
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
π π π
Whereβs a donutβs favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
π π π
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
π π π
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
βDonut hole me back!β
π π π
Why did the donut start going to therapy?
It couldnβt get over the feeling that something was missingβit never felt hole!
π π π
Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?
Because there was a hole-in-one.
π π π
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.
π π π
What do you call an underwater Dunkenβ Donuts?
Sunken Donuts.
π π π
Why do crypto fans love donuts?
Because theyβre decentralized.
π π π
French Donuts...
...are the Beigne of my existence.
π π π
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each otherβs eyes.
π π π
I just heard that the Dunkinβ Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.
Theyβre going to call it a cough fee.
π π π
The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.
They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.
π π π
How does the Krispy Creme sales rep refer to his agenda?
Doughnut Call List.
π π π
Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
π π π
Do you want to get a sundae?
No, thanks, itβs only Thursday.
π π π
A day without ice cream is practically un-cone-stitutional.
π π π
I love you un-cone-ditionally.
π π π
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Because of the rocky road.
π π π
Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the Gelato machine.
Sheβs a sore babe now.
π π π
Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?
Thereβs always a chance of sprinkles.
π π π
What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?
A Neapolitan Mastiff.
π π π
My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
π π π
Hey shorty, itβs sherbet day!
π π π
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
Whatβs the scoop?
π π π
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
π π π
I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.
Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.
π π π
Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope theyβve put it straight into iceolation.
π π π
Why couldnβt the color blind man sell ice cream?
His cones donβt work.
π π π
Whatβs the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
π π π
Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?
Because he was just too spore.
π π π
The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.
π π π
Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.
π π π
I didnβt always like mushrooms, but theyβve finally started to grow on me.
π π π
Why doesnβt the word βmushroomβ make a good computer password?
Itβs not stroganoff.
π π π
When do mushrooms retire?
When they get too mold.
π π π
Why couldnβt the mushroom get into the club?
He wasnβt mold enough.
π π π
What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
π π π
I had this long fungi joke, but I donβt have enough shroom to type it.
π π π
What does a polite mushroom say?
βThank you very mush!β
π π π
Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffleβhard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
π π π
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
π π π
Whatβs a ghostβs favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
π π π
How do you repair a broken jack oβ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
π π π
How do pumpkins get up to the roof?
They use a jack-o-ladder.
π π π
What dog canβt bark?
A hot dog.
π π π
What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?
He relished it.
π π π
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Ketch-up!
π π π
What is an astronautβs favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
π π π
What chocolate bar never laughs at jokes?
Snickersβhe only snickers!
π π π
What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?
Coco pebbles.
π π π
I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.
Ice creamed!
π π π
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut.
π π π
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
π π π
Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
π π π
What kind of nut doesnβt have a shell?
A donut.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWho is there?β
βJustin.β
βJustin, who?β
βJust in time to eat all the birthday donuts.β
π π π
Whatβs a donutβs favorite lullaby?
βSprinkle, Sprinkle Little Starβ.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDoughnut.β
βDoughnut, who?β
βDoughnut forget to do your homework or you will have to go to summer school!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDoughnut.β
βDoughnut, who?β
βDoughnut forget to close the door!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDonut.β
βDonut, who?β
βDonut ask, itβs a secret!β
π π π
What do you call a cute donut?
Adoughrable.
π π π
Whatβs a donutβs favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
π π π
Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
π π π
My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.
He said, βEnjoy the HOLE donut!β
π π π
How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
In floats.
π π π
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
Itβs cool.
π π π
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βTobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOx.β
βOx, who?β
βOx me nice and I will take you out for ice cream.β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream every time I see a ghost!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βI scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βFelix.β
βFelix, who?β
βFelix my ice cream, Iβll lick his!β
π π π
What is a monsterβs favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream if you donβt let me in!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWater.β
βWater, who?β
βWater you waiting for... Letβs get out the ice cream!β
π π π
What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
π π π
How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
βHope your birthday is gelato fun!β
π π π
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
π π π
Where does Goku keep his ice cream?
In the Freiza.
π π π
My 2 year old sisterβs stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
π π π
Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasnβt mush-room for dancing.
π π π
How much room does a fungi need to grow?
As mush-room as possible.
π π π
Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because heβs a fun-gi.
π π π
What room can no one enter?
A Mushroom.
π π π
What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mush-rooms.
π π π
Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?
Because they take up too mush-room.
π π π
Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?
Heβs a fun-gi.
π π π
Whatβs black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
π π π
Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
π π π
What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
π π π
Why was everyone keeping their food on my friendβs head?
He had got a bowl cut!
π π π
Youβre so short that I canβt see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
π π π
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
π π π
Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing about having a big nose?
Youβre the first to know when dinnerβs ready!
π π π
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
π π π
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
π π π
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
π π π
What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
π π π
What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttinβ.
π π π
What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
π π π
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
π π π
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
π π π
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
π π π
I saw a squirrel throw up today!
It was nuts!
π π π
What is a European dragonβs favorite food?
Swiss charred.
π π π
Whatβs a dragonβs favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
π π π
Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
π π π
Just had lunch at the Pelican CafΓ©.
The food was good but the bill was enormous!
π π π
Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer CafΓ©?
Chocolate Moose.
π π π
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
Because it had appeal.
π π π
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
βGotta take the gouda with the bad.β
π π π
Person 1: βI like Eminem.β
Person 2: βWell, I prefer Skittles.β
Person 1: βNo, I meant the rapper.β
Person 2: βWhy would you eat the wrapper?β
π π π
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
π π π
What do you call a fasting camel?
Hump-less.
π π π
What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
βGotta go fast!β
π π π
How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
π π π
What do you call the end of Ramadan?
Ramadusk.
π π π
Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
π π π
Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
To the peach.
π π π
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
π π π
Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
π π π
If you are wondering about a peachβs favorite game.
Itβs peach ball.
π π π
The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
π π π
This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
π π π
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
π π π
How is bacon like southern Europe?
Itβs got a lot of Greece in it.
π π π
Did you know the first French Fries werenβt actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
π π π
What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
π π π
I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
π π π
Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning when they came across a mosque.
They hadnβt had food or water for days and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.
βOk, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. Youβll be Hassan, and Iβll be Muhammed,β said Roger.
βNo way, man. Iβm not going to say that, even if they wonβt give us anything to drink,β replied Joe.
They go up and knock on the door.
A Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, βYes, how may I help you?β
βHello, Iβm Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink,β asked Roger.
βWhy, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we wonβt be breaking our fast until sundown.β
π π π
A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him.
π π π
What do you call a grape thatβs always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
π π π
Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
π π π
What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
π π π
What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
π π π
Did you hear about the little grape who didnβt want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
π π π
Thereβs a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
π π π
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
π π π
At a get-together, one fruit asked another, βI was wondering how you have been.β
The other replied, βJust peachy, isnβt that grape?β
π π π
I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.
Iβm a flanthropist.
π π π
I found a βFresh Baked Breadβ scented candle. I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread.
But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
π π π
Have you heard about the new trend?
People are putting baked goods on their ear studs.
Itβs pie-on-earring fashion.
π π π
Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.
So I walked over to him and said, βI think youβre supposed to open that first.β
π π π
How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
π π π
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
They smell just like burned toast.
π π π
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
π π π
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. Thatβs a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi OβLee.
π π π
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
π π π
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
Itβs a gnocchia.
π π π
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
π π π
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
π π π
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.
π π π
Why didnβt the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
Iβve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
π π π
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
π π π
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
Itβs meteor.
π π π
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDoughnut.β
βDoughnut, who?β
βDoughnut forget itβs your birthday!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βPudding.β
βPudding, who?β
βPudding candles on your birthday cake!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOrange.β
βOrange, who?β
βOrange you going to open your birthday presents?β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIvana.β
βIvana, who?β
βIvana piece of your birthday cake.β
π π π
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
π π π
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
π π π
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
π π π
Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.
π π π
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
π π π
Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.
π π π
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.
π π π
Chuck Noris once picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.
π π π
Chuck Norris uses one chopstick.
π π π
Teacher: βWhat are the seasons?β
Student: βSalt, pepper, ginger...β
π π π
What did the apple teacher say to her student?
βHelp me orange the chairs please!β
π π π
The student asked the teacher, βCashew a question?β
And the teacher replied, βNut nowβ.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWitch.β
βWitch, who?β
βWitch one of you will give me my Halloween sweet?β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βVenice.β
βVenice, who?β
βVenice Halloween candy coming out?!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βFigs.β
βFigs, who?β
βFigs the doorbell, itβs not working lazy bones!
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βLuke.β
βLuke, who?β
βLuke through the peep hole, itβs gourd-geous!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCash.β
βCash, who?β
βI didnβt realize you were some kind of nut!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βToast.β
βToast, who?β
βToasting to a delicious breakfast!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCereal.β
βCereal, who?β
βCereal-ously ready for breakfast!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βBacon.β
βBacon, who?β
βBacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βEgg.β
βEgg, who?β
βEgg-cited for breakfast?β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWaffle.β
βWaffle, who?β
βWaffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCIA.β
βCIA, who?β
βCI ate your last doughnut!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCanoe.β
βCanoe, who?β
βCanoe you buy me a donut?β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDonut.β
βDonut, who?β
βDonut ask, itβs a secret!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDoughnut.β
βDoughnut, who?β
βDoughnut forget to close the door!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDoughnut.β
βDoughnut, who?β
βDoughnut forget to share your donuts with me!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDonut.β
βDonut, who?β
βDonut worry, be happy!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce Cream Soda.β
βIce Cream Soda, who?β
βIce Cream Soda whole party can hear me.β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream every time I see a spider.β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βMeringue.β
βMeringue, who?β
βMeringue the bell but nobody answered.β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOrange.β
βOrange, who?β
βOrange you glad Iβm here?β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βTurnip.β
βTurnip, who?β
βTurnip the radio, please!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βPeas.β
βPeas, who?β
βPeas tell me more knock knock jokes!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCumin.β
βCumin, who?β
βCan I cumin? Itβs cold out here!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βRice.β
βRice, who?β
βRice to meet you!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOnion.β
βOnion, who?β
βOnion mark, get set, go!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βBean.β
βBean, who?β
βBean awhile since Iβve seen you!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βAnita.β
βAnita, who?β
βAnita piece of that birthday cake!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βUriah.β
βUriah, who?β
βKeep Uriah on the birthday cake, itβs about to be lit!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCandice.β
βCandice, who?β
βCandice be the birthday cake? Iβm starving!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βIce cream if you donβt throw a great birthday party!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βLettuce.β
βLettuce, who?β
βLettuce eat cake, itβs your birthday!β
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βBacon.β
βBacon, who?β
βBacon a cake for your birthday.β
π π π
Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because itβs a-maize-ing.
π π π
Whatβs one thing that youβll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
Youβll both be filled with stuffing.
π π π
Whatβs something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
π π π
My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are the relatives who donβt leave until Monday.
π π π
Donβt ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.
Theyβll never stop roasting the turkey.
π π π
So a housewife is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, βAre you hungry, dear?β
And the turkey answers, βNo, Iβm stuffed.β
π π π
My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldnβt stop cold turkey.
π π π
Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.
π π π
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. βHow did Thanksgiving go at your place?β the bartender asks.
βOh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,β the guy says. βSo I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.β
π π π
Did you know that they donβt serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?
People there are trying to quit cold turkey.
π π π
Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
π π π
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
π π π
Chicken to turkey:
βOnly Thanksgiving and Christmas? Youβre lucky, with us itβs any Sunday.β
π π π
Why couldnβt the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
π π π
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dogβs nose.
π π π
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
π π π
βWhy did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?β
βI yam what I yam.β
π π π
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
Heβs not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
π π π
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
π π π
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because heβs already stuffed.
π π π
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
π π π
A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.
He was gratefull.
π π π
What is a teddy bearβs favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
π π π
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night, planning to spend the holiday and meal together.
As the family gathers, the coupleβs children are late to arrive, prompting the mother-in-law to complain aloud, βUgh, your children, always late.β
Eventually, everyone arrives and sits down to eat. Despite the tension, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table, and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain again, βUgh, whatβs with the food here, why is it always late?β
A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats, and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, βUgh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.β
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and narrowly missing her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, βUgh, this clock... always late.β
π π π
Whatβs Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
π π π
What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
π π π
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
π π π
Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
π π π
Why wasnβt the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing.
π π π
What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
π π π
Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
π π π
What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
π π π
What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
π π π
Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, βIf your brothers start arguing, donβt take sides.β
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
π π π
Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
π π π
A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, βWe need a gravy boat because weβre hosting Thanksgiving this year.β
The boyfriend replied, βIn that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.β
π π π
Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
π π π
Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
π π π
Whoβs going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
π π π
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
π π π
How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
π π π
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
π π π
Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
π π π
What is a bad bowlerβs favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
π π π
Whatβs a mathematicianβs favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
π π π
What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
ββ¦This is the way.β
π π π
What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
Weβd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
π π π
What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
βEasy, I tell the bird he is going to die.β
π π π
Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldnβt quit cold turkey.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
Itβs irrational.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βNorma Lee.β
βNorma Lee, who?β
βNorma Lee I donβt eat this much!β
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Why donβt the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they donβt like Turkey.
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Whatβs the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βEsther.β
βEsther, who?β
βEsther any more cranberry sauce?β
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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
βTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.β
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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
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I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting βlet me through, let me through!β.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.
A woman turned to me and said, βOh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?β.
I replied no, but thatβs my pizza!
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Why do eggs like April Foolsβ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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Easter and April Foolsβ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you havenβt hidden.
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For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
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In the spirit of Easter, Iβve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, Iβm not telling my roommates.
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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Foolsβ Day?
βWhat the hellmann!β
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The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.
She left a note, saying:
Iβve had enough and have left you. Donβt bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
βSheβs finally gone... Yeah, I know... Iβm coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Canβt wait to see you...β
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
βI can see your feet. Weβre out of bread. Be back in five minutes.β
π π π
What is a pianistβs favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.
I told her, βTips to cook delicious food.β
And then she asked me why I was crying.
I answered, βI have reached where they are cutting onions.β
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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, βI canβt believe itβs not Buddha!β
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I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.
Iβve now got milk all over the kitchen top.
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Whatβs the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You donβt get a lollipop afterward.
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
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My husband cooks for me like Iβm a godβby placing burnt offerings before me every night.
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What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
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Vegan: βHey, try eating this apple.β
Meat-eater: βHey, this tastes pretty good.β
Vegan: βWell, thatβs because itβs vegan.β
Meat-eater: βI thought it tasted it a bit funny.β
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Vegan: βPeople who sell meat are gross!β
Non-vegetarian: βPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.β
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My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, itβs very healthy.
I said no, it WAS healthy, but you ate it.
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911 operator: β911.β
βHello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,β says the husband.
βWhatβs the emergency?β
The husband replies, βHow do I know when the rice is ready?β
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a βbear attackβ.
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A terrified mother called 911.
βHelp me!β she said. βMy son just swallowed a fork!β
The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.
βWhat should I do until it arrives?β the mother asked him.
Operator: βUse a spoon.β
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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
βMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,β said God.
βDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,β said the nun.
βThere must be something you would have of me,β said God.
βWell, there is one thing,β she said.
βJust name it,β said God.
βItβs those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.β
βConsider it done,β said God. βBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.β
βThere is one thing. But itβs really small, and not worth your time,β said the nun.
βName it. Please,β said God.
βItβs the M&Mβs,β said the nun. βTheyβre so hard to peel.β
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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superiorβs bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
βMotherβ, the nuns pleaded, βPlease give us some wisdom before you die.β
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, βDonβt sell that cow.β
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What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
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What is a bearβs favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
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I couldnβt help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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The blue cheese thought he was the king.
But he was just a cheesy guy.
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What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
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I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
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Whatβs a blueberryβs favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
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Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
Theyβre naturally blue-tiful.
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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
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What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
βHallou-mi!β
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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
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Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
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Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?
Because it was too blue.
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
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Why donβt sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because theyβre all blubber and no beef.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
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What happens when a waffle gets mad?
It flips.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, Iβm toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.
The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my sonβs corn flakes.
Heβs never talked to me again.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βHoward.β
βHoward, who?β
βHoward you like breakfast in bed?β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βJuliet.β
βJuliet, who?β
βJuliet pancakes for breakfast.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βAida.β
βAida, who?β
βAida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βLeah.β
βLeah, who?β
βLeah-n an egg for my breakfast!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βHammond.β
βHammond, who?β
βHammond eggs for breakfast please!β
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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple βThank youβ is all I need.
Not all this βHow did you get in my house??!!!β business.
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Friend 1:Β βI just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. Itβs called βRise and Shine Juiceβ.
Friend 2:Β βCool! Whatβs in it?β
Friend 1:Β βYeast and shoe polish.β
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Whatβs a carβs favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
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What is the definition of breakfast?
What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.
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What is dogβs favoriteΒ breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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What do authors eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns.
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What do snowmenΒ eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blueberry muffin.
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Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
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Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
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Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?
It wasΒ berryΒ speeding!
π π π
I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crΓͺpes.
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The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.
The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.
Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, βMaβam, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?β
The little old lady smiled and said, βItβs nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.β
π π π
What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, βYou canβt eat your own sandwiches in here!β
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Whatβs a skunkβs philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
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Whatβs a pickleβs life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
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When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.
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What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
Itβs impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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Three soccer playersβone plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalβare lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, βWell, since Iβm from ManCHESTer, Iβll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, βWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, βIβm not hungry...β
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I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, βMade with real Amish milk.β
I didnβt even know you could milk the Amish.
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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.
The university responsed, βWhy do we need another phone company?β
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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasnβt mine.
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TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.
His friends often remarked, βHey, thatβs not yo cheese.β
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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, βMerci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?β
The boy says, βNo mommy, itβs nacho cheese.β
His mother says, βAre you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.β
βI know,β says the boy, βbut when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, βHey, thatβs nacho cheese!ββ
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When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
βThis is your doctor. Weβve had the results back from your tests, and weβve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!β
βOh my gosh!β cries the man. Heβs in a panic now. βWhat are you going to do, doctor?β
βWell, weβre going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.β
βWill that cure me?β asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, βWell, no, but... itβs the only food we can get under the door.β
π π π
Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasnβt mush-room for dancing.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCash.β
βCash, who?β
βNo thanks, but Iβd love some peanuts.β
π π π