Food Puns and Hilarious Food Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Food Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

What do dentists hand out at Halloween?

Candy. It’s good for business.

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”

The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”

“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”

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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.

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One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”

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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a

sign:

“Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load

of fertilizer.

Alex — a little boy of nine — was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”

“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, “You ought to

come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

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Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.

Or they might get autumn’y ache.

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy.

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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It’s for Autumnmobiles.

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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

“Are you feeling ill?”

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away its chair.

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Customer: “Give me a hot dog.”

Waiter: “With pleasure.”

Customer: “No, with sauerkraut!”

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On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.

“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.

“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”

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Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”

Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”

Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks Dad!”

Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”

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Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?

Because it refuses to ketchup.

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I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.

If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self-control.

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”

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A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: “Do you deny this?”

Homeless man: “No, your honor.”

Judge: “Do you have any coins?”

Homeless man: “Just a few quarters, your Honor.”

Judge: “Give them here.”

Homeless man: “Your Honor, they’re all I have!”

Judge: “That may be so, but please just give me those coins.”

Homeless man: “Very well.” Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: “Pay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. “Did you hear that?”

Stand owner: “Yes, your Honor.”

Judge: “Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”

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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

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It’s cleaning day today.

I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

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I love vegan food!

It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.

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It is so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.

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It is so hot potatoes cook underground.

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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

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It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds starting popping.

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It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

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It’s so hot out, I baked lasagna in my mailbox.

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It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.

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It’s so hot, all the bread in the store is toast.

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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”

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You’re so short, that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”

Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”

Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”

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An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.

After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.

After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

“How come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

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Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled “The Milky Bars are on me!”, people just cheered.

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Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

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How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

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Public Service Announcement

If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs.

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Seven days without chocolate...

Makes one weak.

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I went to a church men’s camp out a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, “Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”

“To which Joe replies, “Chocolate sausage.”

This gets everyone’s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, “This doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, “The horse was named Chocolate.”

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life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”

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How do you accurately guess what you’re having for dinner?

You cook it yourself!

😄 😄 😄

The cook gifted his girlfriend something she would like. Guess what?

An onion ring.

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What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?

Wow! Donut seeds!

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What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

😄 😄 😄

What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?

Eat donuts.

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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.

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Why did the daughter start eating donuts?

Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”

😄 😄 😄

Which nut has the most calories for the human body?

The Donut.

😄 😄 😄

How can you justify donuts being healthy?

Because they are included in the hole food category.

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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?

Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.

😄 😄 😄

Let’s go to Dunkin!

We need more hole foods!

😄 😄 😄

I allow myself only one donut per year.

This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

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How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?

Jam-packed!

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Where was the first donut cooked?

In Greece.

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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.

I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.

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Why did the donut go to the dentist?

To get a filling.

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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

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Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

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My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.

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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?

Property of obesity.

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I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.

It’s called “Hole Foods”.

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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?

No, fingers should be eaten separately!

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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?

Because they love to dunk them.

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Yo mama so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

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Yo mama so dumb, she uses Old Spice body wash to cook.

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Yo mama so dumb, when she got locked in a grocery store, she starved to death.

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Yo mama so stupid, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.

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Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the McDonald’s drive-through sign, she drove through the building.

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I own a solar powered food maker.

It’s an apple tree.

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!”

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’

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Boyfriend: “I love you.”

Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

😄 😄 😄

A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”

His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”

“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”

😄 😄 😄

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.

“Charm,” replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”

“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”

😄 😄 😄

Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: “You must be single, right?”

Me: “Yes! How did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

😄 😄 😄

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, “Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”

“Well, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”

The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked a another question.

“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”

The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Only two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.

😄 😄 😄

A bear walks into an ice cream shop.

Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?

Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of the chocolate...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...chip.

Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?

Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!

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Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work.

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I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.

Good times.

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A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop.

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: “It looks like you blew a seal.”

Penguin: “Ah no that’s just ice cream.”

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The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”

Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”

Me: “Yes, with nuts.”

😄 😄 😄

Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

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One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, “Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?”

The guy says, “No, we don’t have onion-flavored ice cream.”

So the kid says, “Ok,” and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.

The guy again informs him that they don’t carry onion-flavored ice cream.

This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.

So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.

Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time, and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.

“Yes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!”

The kid replies, “You must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!”

😄 😄 😄

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day!

😄 😄 😄

A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.

“I wish I’d reach the stick already,” he mumbles to himself.

😄 😄 😄

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks, “What flavors do you have?”

The attendant says, “Over there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”

Client goes, “Ehm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of ‘Mondays Closed’.”

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When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an Ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”

The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”

😄 😄 😄

Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.

Best trade I ever made.

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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

😄 😄 😄

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”

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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes of the blind fold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on there nose singing “Happy birthday!”.

😄 😄 😄

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!

😄 😄 😄

Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.

😄 😄 😄

What’s the best thing about having a big nose?

You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!

😄 😄 😄

There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.

The first mole – daddy mole — wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, “Mmmmm... I smell bacon!”

Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, “Mmmmm... I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.

He takes a big whiff and says, “All I can smell is molasses!”

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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All mushrooms are edible.

But some mushrooms are only edible once.

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I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.

Clearly they are of low morel fiber.

😄 😄 😄

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

😄 😄 😄

Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

😄 😄 😄

Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”

Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”

😄 😄 😄

The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.

He’s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.

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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?

Stop touching my buns!

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What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

😄 😄 😄

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”

Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”

Today is Abdul’s farewell party.

😄 😄 😄

I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”

After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”

She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”

😄 😄 😄

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with ear piece).

😄 😄 😄

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:

“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”

The wife stares at her husband:

“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”

The husband answers calmly:

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

😄 😄 😄

A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves, and comes back the next day.

“Do ya seh cahot juys?”

😄 😄 😄

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

😄 😄 😄

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it’ll fit inside the box.

😄 😄 😄

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

😄 😄 😄

Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.

😄 😄 😄

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”

Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”

😄 😄 😄

What is green and dangerous?

A thundering herd of pickles!

😄 😄 😄

What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

😄 😄 😄

I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”

I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”

She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”

😄 😄 😄

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”

“Not at all,” the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

😄 😄 😄

Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

😄 😄 😄

During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

– Doesn’t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

– Has great packaging.

😄 😄 😄

Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

😄 😄 😄

My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”

Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing.”

Me: Flies to Africa.

😄 😄 😄

Yeah, I like NFTs...

Nachos,

Fajitas &

Tacos.

😄 😄 😄

Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

😄 😄 😄

My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

😄 😄 😄

Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”

Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”

Priest: “He will also go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put’s out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?” Priest: “She too will go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”

😄 😄 😄

My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”

😄 😄 😄

Today I made a big pot of pasta,

but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.

😄 😄 😄

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Im feeling canneloni right now.

😄 😄 😄

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

😄 😄 😄

What’s the best thing to put in a donut?

Your teeth.

😄 😄 😄

What’s the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

😄 😄 😄

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

😄 😄 😄

Yo’ Mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

😄 😄 😄

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said, “Yes!”

I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”

😄 😄 😄

A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”

The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”

😄 😄 😄

My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

😄 😄 😄

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

😄 😄 😄

“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” Husband asks his wife.

“In a detective novel,” she answers.

😄 😄 😄

A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

😄 😄 😄

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”

“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

“He died of a broken neck.”

“A broken neck?”

“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

😄 😄 😄

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.

She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”

😄 😄 😄

A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, “Betcha can’t just one!”

Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.

😄 😄 😄

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

😄 😄 😄

Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

😄 😄 😄

Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”

Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”

Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”

Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”

😄 😄 😄

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

😄 😄 😄

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?

Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

😄 😄 😄

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”

Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”

Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”

😄 😄 😄

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

😄 😄 😄

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money.”

😄 😄 😄

I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.

😄 😄 😄

Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?” Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”

😄 😄 😄

What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?

I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.

😄 😄 😄

I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

😄 😄 😄

The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.

😄 😄 😄

“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”

“No sir, it will be round!”

😄 😄 😄

What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?

A whole one can look round.

😄 😄 😄

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?

To brie.. or not to brie...

😄 😄 😄

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

😄 😄 😄

What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?

By the time she got home, it was toast!

😄 😄 😄

Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

😄 😄 😄

An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

😄 😄 😄

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

😄 😄 😄

Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

😄 😄 😄

What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

😄 😄 😄

What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

😄 😄 😄

Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.

It was the guy in the booth behind her.

“Not so loud!” he said.

“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.

“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.

Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.

“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.

“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.

“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.

“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.

“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”

😄 😄 😄

A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, “I’ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”

The librarian says, “Ma’am this is a library.”

So the blonde leans in and whispers, “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”

😄 😄 😄

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

😄 😄 😄

Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

😄 😄 😄

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

😄 😄 😄

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”

So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”

Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

😄 😄 😄

The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

“Come on, ketch-up!”

😄 😄 😄

Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

😄 😄 😄

“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

😄 😄 😄

A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”

The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”

😄 😄 😄

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

😄 😄 😄

What does the sun drink out of?

Sun-glasses.

😄 😄 😄

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

😄 😄 😄

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

😄 😄 😄

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”

“That’s right.”

“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”

“Well, today is his birthday.”

😄 😄 😄

Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

😄 😄 😄

Yo Mama's appetite is so huge, she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

😄 😄 😄

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

It’s now called Red Bull.

😄 😄 😄

Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!

😄 😄 😄

Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

😄 😄 😄

A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

😄 😄 😄

Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

😄 😄 😄

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

😄 😄 😄

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At meal time, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”

😄 😄 😄

“Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?”

“Then why aren’t you laughing?!”

😄 😄 😄

What’s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

😄 😄 😄

A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”

😄 😄 😄

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

😄 😄 😄

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

😄 😄 😄

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

😄 😄 😄

Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Cash.”

“Cash, who?”

“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

😄 😄 😄

Yo mama so hot, she makes jalapeños cry.

😄 😄 😄

Yo mama is so dumb and hungry, the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.

😄 😄 😄

Your mama is so dumb, when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.

😄 😄 😄

Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.

😄 😄 😄

Yo momma is so stupid, when I said, “Drinks are on the house,” she got a ladder.

😄 😄 😄

Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.

😄 😄 😄

Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

😄 😄 😄

Yo mama’s appetite is so huge, even after eating an elephant for breakfast, she demanded for a whale as dessert.

😄 😄 😄

A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.”

😄 😄 😄

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

😄 😄 😄

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

😄 😄 😄