Enjoy our team's carefully selected Food Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
😄 😄 😄
All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly they are of low Morel fiber.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story.. killed him.
😄 😄 😄
Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
😄 😄 😄
Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
😄 😄 😄
The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.
He’s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.
😄 😄 😄
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
😄 😄 😄
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but
yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
😄 😄 😄
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
😄 😄 😄
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with ear piece).
😄 😄 😄
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
😄 😄 😄
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves, and comes back the next day.
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?
So that it’ll fit inside the box.
😄 😄 😄
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.
😄 😄 😄
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
😄 😄 😄
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
😄 😄 😄
What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles!
😄 😄 😄
What’s black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
😄 😄 😄
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.
The judge is quite exasperated.
Judge to the homeless man: “Do you deny this?”
Homeless man: “No, your honor.”
Judge: “Do you have any coins?”
Homeless man: “Just a few quarters, your Honor.”
Judge: “Give them here.”
Homeless man: “Your Honor, they’re all I have!”
Judge: “That may be so, but please just give me those coins.”
Homeless man: “Very well.” Hands over the coins.
Judge to the stand owner: “Pay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. “Did you hear that?”
Stand owner: “Yes, your Honor.”
Judge: “Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”
😄 😄 😄
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
😄 😄 😄
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
😄 😄 😄
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
– Doesn’t need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
– Has great packaging.
😄 😄 😄
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
😄 😄 😄
My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put’s out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?” Priest: “She too will go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”
😄 😄 😄
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
😄 😄 😄
Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Im feeling canneloni right now.
😄 😄 😄
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
😄 😄 😄
If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
Yo’ Mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said, “Yes!”
I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
😄 😄 😄
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” Husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”
😄 😄 😄
A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, “Betcha can’t just one!”
Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
😄 😄 😄
How come “you’re a peach” is a complement, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
😄 😄 😄
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
😄 😄 😄
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
😄 😄 😄
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money.”
😄 😄 😄
I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.
😄 😄 😄
Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?” Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”
😄 😄 😄
What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.
😄 😄 😄
I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.
😄 😄 😄
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
😄 😄 😄
What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
😄 😄 😄
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
😄 😄 😄
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
😄 😄 😄
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home it was toast!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
😄 😄 😄
An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
😄 😄 😄
What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
😄 😄 😄
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
“Not so loud!” he said.
“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.
“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”
😄 😄 😄
A blonde enters a library.
She goes to the counter and says, “I’ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”
The librarian says, “Ma’am this is library.”
So the blonde leans in and whispers, “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”
😄 😄 😄
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
😄 😄 😄
Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
😄 😄 😄
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
Diet Day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
😄 😄 😄
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
😄 😄 😄
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
😄 😄 😄
Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
😄 😄 😄
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge, she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!
😄 😄 😄
Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
😄 😄 😄
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
😄 😄 😄
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
😄 😄 😄
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it! It's an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?
Then why aren’t you laughing!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
😄 😄 😄
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, she makes jalapeños cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so dumb and hungry, the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so dumb, when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when I said, “Drinks are on the house,” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s appetite is so huge, even after eating an elephant for breakfast, she demanded for a whale as dessert.
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄