Food Puns and Hilarious Food Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Food Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Food Jokes


My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

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10 Funniest Jokes About Food



Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

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Sunday school teacher: β€œTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”

Johnny: β€œNo, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”

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A woman asks a waiter, β€œWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”

The waiter says, β€œShivering, madam.”

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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: β€œYoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”

Domino’s: β€œWe’re sorry to hear about this.”

Customer (minutes later): β€œNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”

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Pizza Man: β€œDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?”

Customer: β€œYou better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”

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I burned 2000 calories today.

I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, β€œOrder!”

So I replied, β€œFried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”

Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

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Customer: β€œWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”

Waiter: β€œThen why aren’t you laughing?”

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Short Food Jokes Funny



Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, β€œDidn’t you like the muffs?”

The Foreman said, β€œThey’re a thing of beauty.”

β€œWhy don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, β€œI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

β€œHuman creature,” the alien bellows, β€œwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, β€œWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”

β€œThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”

β€œOh, nowadays we use two sticks.”

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Officer: β€œDo you know why I stopped you?”

Blonde: β€œBecause I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”

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A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.

β€œI wish I’d reached the stick already,” he mumbles to himself.

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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, β€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”

Quickly he replied, β€œIf it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”

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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” I asked her.

She replied, β€œThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”

I said, β€œOkay, how about in the fridge?”

She said, β€œNo, silly, there’s a little light inside.”

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, β€œI wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

β€œWhy not?”

β€œI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, β€œThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, β€œWhich do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

β€œWhat did I tell you?”, said the barber. β€œThat kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

β€œHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, β€œBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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Funny Food Jokes for Adults



Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?

He deserted his post.

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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, β€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

β€œOdd,” her companion replies, β€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

β€œTwo dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their β€œdogs”.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, β€œWhat part did you get?”

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My friend: β€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”

Me: β€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?”

Her: β€œNothing.”

Me: Flies to Africa.

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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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β€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.

β€œIn a detective novel,” she answers.

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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

β€œHow wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”

β€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

β€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

β€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

β€œOh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

β€œHe died of a broken neck.”

β€œA broken neck?”

β€œHe wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

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Two menβ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeβ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, β€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, β€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”

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How come β€œyou’re a peach” is a compliment, but β€œyou’re bananas” is an insult?

Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.

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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

It’s now called Red Bull.

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Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

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Funny Food Puns, Jokes and One-Liners for Friends



It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.

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It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.

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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.

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My cousin works in a chocolate shop.

He works behind the bar.

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These days, shoes are called snickers.

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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.

Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.

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Warning!

Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!

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I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, β€œOuch!” and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, β€œOuch!” and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, β€œOuch!” and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, β€œWhat’s the matter with you guys?”

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Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.

I’m always tripping on them.

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All mushrooms are edible.

But some mushrooms are only edible once.

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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

β€œLook, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. β€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, β€œGet me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, β€œFresh, canned, or frozen?”

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Bad but Funny Food Jokes, Puns and One-Liners



What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?

A pumpkin patch.

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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a sign: β€œBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: β€œNOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

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What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?

Stuffing his face!

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Yo mama’s so dumb she thought that Jar Jar comes with pickles pickles.

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Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying β€œwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, β€œWeeeeeeee!”

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, β€œCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?”

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

β€œNo,” says the man, β€œI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”

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I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog.

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn’t good for dogs.

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What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A Tinder surprise.

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life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

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What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?

β€œWow! Donut seeds!”

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Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.

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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.

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Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonald’s drive-through sign she drove through the building.

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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.

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Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.

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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.

Thanks, photosynthesis.

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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.

Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.

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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, β€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?”

β€œNot at all,” the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

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My friend keeps saying, β€œEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, β€œTry ordering Tacos instead.”

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, β€œSir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, β€œOfficer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

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I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.

She said, β€œYes!”

I said, β€œGood, because I’m breaking up with you.”

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeΓ±os cry.

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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.

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Your mama is so dumb when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.

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Funny Jokes About Food and Drink



β€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

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Guess what coffee and motivational coaches have in common?

They encourage people to espresso themselves!

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Boyfriend: β€œI love you.”

Girlfriend: β€œIs that you or the wine talking?”

Boyfriend: β€œIt’s me talking to the wine.”

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The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: β€œAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”

Abdul: β€œSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”

Today is Abdul’s farewell party.

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I was on the phone with my wife and said, β€œI’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”

After a twenty-second pause, I asked, β€œYou still there sweetheart?”

She replied, β€œYeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”

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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).

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Good morning, sweetie!

When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...

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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

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Priest: β€œDon’t drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.”

Alcoholic: β€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”

Priest: β€œHe will also go to hell.”

Alcoholic: β€œOK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”

Priest: β€œShe too will go to hell.”

Alcoholic: β€œIn that case, I have no problem going to hell.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey.”

The horse said, β€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

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Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, β€œI’ll have an H2O please.”

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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

β€œI will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

β€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

β€œAnd for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, β€œGive me two more just like this one!”

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Yo momma is so stupid when I said β€œDrinks are on the house” she got a ladder.

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Yo mama’s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said β€œconcentrate”.

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Funny Food Jokes One-Liners



It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

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It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

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Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

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Seven days without chocolate...

Makes one weak.

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I allow myself only one donut per year.

This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

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You need to understand the difference between want and need.

Like I want abs, but I need donuts.

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The optimist sees the donut whole.

The pessimist sees the donut hole.

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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.

I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party.

You want to do it, but you don’t want to be the first, and you definitely don’t want to be the only one.

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I own a solar powered food maker.

It’s an apple tree.

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I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.

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I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet but then my browser froze.

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Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.

Best trade I ever made.

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β€œYou know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.

So I gather.

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The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.

He’s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.

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Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

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Today I made a big pot of pasta,

but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.

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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

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Don’t walk through a field of mushrooms.

It’s quite a tripping hazard.

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I always shout β€œPIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time-consuming.

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Funny Dad Jokes About Food



What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

β€œAre you feeling ill?”

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

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What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

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β€œWaiter, will my pizza be long?”

β€œNo sir, it will be round!”

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TOP 10 Best Food Pun Jokes



Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?

Hard to swallow.

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?

Property of obesity.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it’ll fit inside the box.

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What’s the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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Food Puns Funny



Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.

Is anyone else not offended we still don’t have a Himhe bar?

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What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...

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What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?

Moon pi.

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How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?

Cut out the middle, man.

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Why do many donuts feel sad?

Because they feel really empty inside.

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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?

Because they love to dunk them.

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What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?

Dollars to Donuts.

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Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?

National Donut Day.

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What do love and fatty foods have in common?

They both go straight for your heart!

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Your boyfriend doesn’t get your fruit puns?

You got to let that mango.

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What’s the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?

One’s bad guys having a fun time and the other one’s fungi having a bad time!

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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?

It was growing toxic by the day.

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What is green and dangerous?

A thundering herd of pickles!

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Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?

Because he was toxic!

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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?

β€œI’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”

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What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?

A whole one can look round.

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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

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Bad Food Pun Jokes for Adults



How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?

Frank.

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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes.

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What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?

Donuts.

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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?

You give them to someone else to eat first.

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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?

Stop touching my buns!

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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Funny Broccoli Jokes



A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, β€œGinger!”

The woman thought, β€œThis is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, β€œDammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, β€œYes!”

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, β€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!”

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Broccoli: β€œHey, I look like a tree.”

Mushroom: β€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.”

Walnut: β€œI look exactly like a brain.”

Banana: β€œMan, can we change the topic please?”

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Funny Bean Jokes and Puns



I heard Dunkin’ Donuts has a cold brew now.

Cool beans.

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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing β€œHappy birthday!”.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Funny Carrot Jokes



One snowman said to another, β€œI’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”

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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, β€œI bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, β€œDo you sell carrots?”

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, β€œNo, this is a pharmacy.”

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, β€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, β€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, β€œDo you sell carrots?”

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,

β€œDo ya seh cahot juys?”

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Funny Onion Jokes



The cook gifted his girlfriend something she would like. Guess what?

An onion ring.

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One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, β€œDo you have onion-flavored ice cream?”

The guy says, β€œNo, we don’t have onion-flavored ice cream.”

So the kid says, β€œOk,” and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.

The guy again informs him that they don’t carry onion-flavored ice cream.

This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.

So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.

Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.

β€œYes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!”

The kid replies, β€œYou must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!”

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An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.

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Funny Meat Puns and Jokes



So hot dog, we meat again.

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A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: β€œDo you deny this?”

Homeless man: β€œNo, your honor.”

Judge: β€œDo you have any coins?”

Homeless man: β€œJust a few quarters, your Honor.”

Judge: β€œGive them here.”

Homeless man: β€œYour Honor, they’re all I have!”

Judge: β€œThat may be so, but please just give me those coins.”

Homeless man: β€œVery well.” Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: β€œPay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. β€œDid you hear that?”

Stand owner: β€œYes, your Honor.”

Judge: β€œExcellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”

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I love vegan food!

It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.

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β€œDad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

β€œWhy not, son?”

β€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

β€œBut why don’t you want to go today?”

β€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!”

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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

β€œWell,” he says, β€œit’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams, β€œDon’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”

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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

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Funny Bacon Jokes



An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, β€œI’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”

His wife answers, β€œYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, β€œHoney, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”

β€œNo, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, β€œWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”

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There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.

The first moleβ€”daddy moleβ€”wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, β€œMmmmm... I smell bacon!”

Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, β€œMmmmm... I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.

He takes a big whiff and says, β€œAll I can smell is molasses!”

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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.

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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

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Funny Sausage Puns



Me, at the hot dog stand: β€œCan I get a jumbo sausage?”

Hot dog guy: β€œSure. Won’t be long.”

Me: β€œIn that case, can I have two?”

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Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.

I think German sausages are the wurst!

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Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.

But it turned out to be a sausage fest.

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Have you ever been to a hot dog factory?

No, I haven’t sausage a place.

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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Wurst Jokes



Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hot dogs?

Because for them it’s considered to be a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

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What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?

You’re the wurst.

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I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.

They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.

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If you don’t like hot dogs, I think you’re the wurst.

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The family got completely lost on their journey to the hot dog stand.

They took a turn for the wurst.

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What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?

The WURST!

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What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?

It could always be wurst!

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I have an idea for a make-your-own hot dog place.

It’s called β€œWhat’s the Wurst That Could Happen?”.

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Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?

It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones.

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I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

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They brought the hot dog in for questioning.

He gave the... wurst... answers.

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Funny Fries Jokes



I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.

If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self-control.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, β€œBetcha can’t just one!”

Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.

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A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, β€œI’ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”

The librarian says, β€œMa’am this is a library.”

So the blonde leans in and whispers, β€œI’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”

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Funny Ketchup Jokes One-Liners



How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

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I was eating a hot dog the other day and when I took a bite, ketchup squirted in my eye...

Now I have heinzsight.

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Why does ketchup on hot dogs spoil early?

Because the sauce-ages.

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Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup?

Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

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What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?

Relish today...

And Ketchup tomorrow.

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Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?

Because it refuses to ketchup.

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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

β€œCome on, ketch-up!”

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Funny Breakfast Puns and Jokes



It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.

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I went to a church men’s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, β€œHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”

β€œTo which Joe replies, β€œChocolate sausage.”

This gets everyone’s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, β€œThis doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, β€œThe horse was named Chocolate.”

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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

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Personally, I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms... breakfast of champignons.

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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.

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Funny Bread Puns and Jokes



It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.

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What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

β€œIf I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”

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What do cops call it when they’re called out to the local donut bakery?

Bread Alert!

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Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?

By the time she got home, it was toast!

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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

β€œExcuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, β€œbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”

β€œThat’s right.”

β€œEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”

β€œWell, today is his birthday.”

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Funny Cereal Jokes



Yo mama so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, β€œPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, β€œWhat is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, β€œAccording to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, β€œFirst of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, β€œSecond, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, β€œlet’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.’

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Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: β€œYou must be single, right?”

Me: β€œYes! How did you know?”

Cashier: β€œBecause you’re ugly.”

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Funny Milk Puns and Jokes



It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

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Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

To get chocolate milk.

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What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?

A Milky Way.

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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

– Doesn’t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

– Has great packaging.

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Funny Jam Jokes



Does anybody go to the donut party?

I heard it was jam packed.

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What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?

β€œI hope you like jam in too.”

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How was the donuts’ hole business?

Not at all jam-packed.

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How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?

Jam-packed!

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How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi’ jam in.

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Funny Nuts Jokes



What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

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I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?

The Donut.

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Which nut has a hole in it?

A donut.

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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Donuts.

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Cop Cuisine Point to Ponder:

Do cops like doughnuts better when they’re spelled Do-Nuts?

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The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: β€œHello Sir, can I take your order?”

Me: β€œYes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”

Parlor: β€œI’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”

Me: β€œYes, with nuts.”

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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, β€œSonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

β€œSure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

β€œWhat a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, β€œWhy don’t you eat them yourself?”

β€œBecause we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.

β€œThen why do you buy them?”, I asked.

β€œOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, β€œCrushed nuts?”

β€œNo,” he replied, β€œarthritis.”

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Funny Peanut Jokes



A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, β€œDid you see what your monkey just did?”

β€œNo, what?”

β€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

β€œYeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, β€œHe eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, β€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?”

β€œNo, what?” asked the man.

β€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”

β€œYeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. β€œHe’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCash.”

β€œCash, who?”

β€œNo thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

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Funny Popcorn Puns and Jokes



It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.

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Guess the difference between a hot dog and a corn dog?

One’s stuck up, while the other is laid back!

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

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Short Candy Jokes and Puns



What do dentists hand out at Halloween?

Candy. It’s good for business.

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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?

A PayDay.

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How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

β€œSon,” said the man, β€œeating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

β€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

β€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

β€œNo,” said Johnny, β€œHe minded his own damn business!”

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I love being a grandparent in retirement.

I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.

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Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.

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Funny Candy Puns for Students



Why did the candy bar cross the road?

Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!

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Which is the clumsiest candy bar?

A Butterfinger!

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Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?

A Bounty-ful!

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There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?

Choco-late.

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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

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Funny Chocolate Bar Puns, Jokes and One-Liners



It’s cleaning day today.

I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, β€œMan! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”

The engineer replied, β€œYou wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, β€œDo you wanna see magic?”

The shop boy replied, β€œYes!!!”

The engineer said, β€œGive me one chocolate bar.”

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, β€œBut where’s the magic?”

The engineer replied, β€œCheck in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”

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A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.

I asked if I could have 2.

He said, β€œNo, you can taek-won-do.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What kind of bar is kid-friendly?

A chocolate bar.

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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

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My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

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I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.

So I just snickered...

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

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Funny Bakery Puns



What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?

Donut disturb.

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Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.

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What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?

Frosty the Dough-Man!

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The arrogant baker declared, β€œYou’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”

The customer agreed, β€œIt must be the double glazing.”

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Why did the baker stop making donuts?

He got tired of the HOLE business.

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How do beat cops define the word β€œdoughnut”?

A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.

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Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?

He was caught pinching the salt.

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Funny Cake Puns and Jokes



An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.

After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.

After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, β€œMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

β€œMy God,” says his mother. β€œYou can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, β€œOf course.”

β€œHow come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.

β€œWell,” says the boy, β€œup until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

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Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?

At sundae school.

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What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?

You’re cool!

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What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?

What’s eating you?

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Which ice cream flavor is always celebrating?

Birthday cake!

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An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.

They are wanted for dessertion.

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I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.

Good times.

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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, β€œThat’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

β€œWhy should it?” answered her spouse. β€œI keep telling them it’s for you.”

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?

Because there is a hole in one.

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Funny Pie Puns and Jokes



Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Β 

Alexβ€”a little boy of nineβ€”was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, β€œWhat’ve you got in your trailer?”

β€œManure,” farmer Smith replied.

β€œWhat are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

β€œPut it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, β€œYou ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

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Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.

Or they might get autumn’y ache.

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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy.

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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought, β€œThe streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

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Funny Cookie Jokes



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray β€œTake only one, God is watching”.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, β€œTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”

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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, β€œNo, they are for the funeral.”

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If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1: β€œPizza because I’m so cheesy.”

Friend 2: β€œChocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”

Me: β€œDonut because I’m so empty inside.”

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I’m looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

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Funny Cooking Jokes, One-Liners and Puns



It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

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It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.

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How do you accurately guess what you’re having for dinner?

You cook it yourself!

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Where was the first donut cooked?

In Greece.

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Yo mama so dumb she uses Old Spice body wash to cook.

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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:

β€œCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”

The wife stares at her husband:

β€œWhat’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”

The husband answers calmly:

β€œI just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

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Funny Spaghetti Jokes



Made gluten-free spaghetti for dinner.

When I asked my boyfriend why he wasn’t eating it, he said, β€œIt’s not real spaghetti. It’s an impasta.”

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A man walks into the doctor’s office.

A penne stuck in one of his ears, a spaghetti in the other ear, and a tortellini stuck in one nostril.

Man: β€œDoctor, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

Doctor: β€œWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, β€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”

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Funny Egg Puns and Jokes



It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.

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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Public Service Announcement:

β€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”

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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

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Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, β€œWho’s first?”

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Funny Salad Puns



It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.

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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?

En-salad-us.

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Our love is a fruit salad!

We are a great pear and I cherryish you.

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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?

The salad bar.

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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

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Funny Restaurant Jokes and Puns



Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.

So the diners got a raw deal.

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A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, β€œI forgot my wallet.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, β€œDo you have frog legs?”

The waiter looks offended, β€œNo, I’ve always walked like that!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menuβ€”you get what you deserve.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Best Diet Jokes One-Liners



What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?

Eat donuts.

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Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Fast Food Jokes



A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.

The hot dog says, β€œI’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”

The hamburger replies, β€œPlease, beef frank.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hot dog.

A butcher says, β€œAh, that’s bologna.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?

The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?

He just didn’t relish it.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty-dollar bill, and said, β€œMake me one with everything.”

The vendor pocketed the money and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog.

The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.

The vendor looked at him and said, β€œChange comes from within.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you have to put on your hot dogs?

Must-ard!

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I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.

I’m on a roll.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why does a dog stay in a shadow?

Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?

Water, to cool him down.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Hot dog, it’s your birthday!

Let’s be Frank, you’re probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead – don’t be a weenie!

Relish every moment of your celebration!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the hot dog dress up?

It felt a little halloweenie.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?

He put it in the shade.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!

I relished the opportunity!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


There are no losers when eating hot dogs.

Only wieners.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


The hot dog asked his friend, β€œHave you been to the German nightclub yet?”

His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a sea of hot dogs?

Frank Ocean.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason, Anne’s Franks hasn’t been very popular with the target audience.

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Why do all hot dogs look the same after coming off the grill?

Because they are in-bred.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away its chair.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?

With relish.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a saw that cuts hot dogs?

Sawsage.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.

The bartender immediately tells them, β€œI’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I stepped into my shower today only to find hot dogs coming out of the shower head.

My plumber calls it a β€œmeatier shower”.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A blond goes up to the librarian.

Blond: β€œCan I have a hot dog?”

Librarian: β€œSorry, Madam, but this is a library.”

Blond: β€œOh, sorry!” says quietly. β€œCan I have a hot dog?”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t chicken!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I just had a very serious discussion about hot dogs...

It was a frank discussion.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A good friend of mineβ€”Frankβ€”owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.

Yam: β€œCan I be candied with you?”

Hot dog: β€œIn that case, let me be frank.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Customer: β€œGive me a hot dog.”

Waiter: β€œWith pleasure.”

Customer: β€œNo, with sauerkraut!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

β€œGive me a couple of steaks,” he says.

β€œWe’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.

β€œHot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. β€œHow can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Hot dogs and I have a very frank relationship!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a hot dog race?

Wiener takes all.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


When does a hot dog have a close shave?

At the barber-cue!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Where do you smart hot dogs go?

On the honor role.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Son: β€œDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”

Dad: β€œBecause your mother loves Roses.”

Son: β€œOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”

Dad: β€œNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?

β€œI’m a wiener!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you see the movie about the hot dog?

It was an Oscar Wiener.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the French Fry say to the Hamburger?

I guess that’s a wrap!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the taco say to the depressed donut?

Taco: β€œWant to taco bout it?”

Donut: β€œI donut know what to say.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Yeah, I like NFTs...

Nachos,

Fajitas &

Tacos.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Funny Food Jokes Clean



A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: β€œNice tie.”

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: β€œGreat haircut.” A few moments later: β€œCongratulations on your promotion.”

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, β€œThat’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, β€œExcuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

β€œThat is truly a noble calling,” he says. β€œMost frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”

β€œThat sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. β€œI’m not sure I have the time.”

β€œIf you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. β€œWhat made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”

β€œWell...” the donut answers. β€œSee, it’s because I’m holey.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.

THE POLICE

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

β€œWhat’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.

β€œCharm,” replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

β€œWhy is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, β€œyour answer is always strange?”

β€œWell, it’s strange β€˜now’,” the physicist protests, β€œshouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A bear walks into an ice cream shop.

Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?

Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...chip.

Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?

Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, β€œWhat flavors do you have?”

The attendant says, β€œOver there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”

Client goes, β€œEhm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of β€˜Mondays Closed’.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, β€œWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”

The man replies, β€œThe one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, β€œNow I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, β€œThat’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.

It was the guy in the booth behind her.

β€œNot so loud!” he said.

β€œWhat?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.

β€œI said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.

Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.

β€œHow was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.

β€œPretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.

β€œDid you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.

β€œI don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.

β€œI’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, β€œsome nut job is answering every question I ask you!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Long Funny Jokes on Food



A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

β€œI want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, β€œWhy did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”

β€œWell, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”

The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked another question.

β€œAnd what is it that you have that I don’t?”

The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, β€œOnly two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, β€œNo mushrooms. They are too high.”

He said, β€œWhy don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, β€œNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, β€œWell, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.

She said, β€œMrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, β€œThat’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, β€œI think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, β€œYou know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, β€œHow much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, β€œI make a little over $400 a week, why?”

The CEO said, β€œWait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, β€œHere’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, β€œDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”

From across the room, a voice said, β€œSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Funny Food Name Puns



What do you call a dog with a fever?

Hot dog.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a candid hot dog?

A frankfurter.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a frozen frankfurter?

A chili dog.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?

A hollow-weenie!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What is Spider-Man’s favorite food?

French flies.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.

Preferred pronouns are Her/she.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did M&M go to University?

Because he wanted to be a Smartie.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you hear about the magician who had chocolate in his shirt?

He had some Twix up his sleeve.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?

Moon-zerella cheese!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a pastry that is a priest?

A Holy Donut.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.

It’s called β€œHole Foods”.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the cops see after they told the Pillsbury Doughboy to spread ’em?

Doughnuts!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Which kind of donuts can fly?

The plane ones.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

β€œSure, Bert.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?

He thought that any morel would do.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What does the mushroom say to his lover?

β€œI have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I have so mush-room in my heart for you.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?

Happy birthday to a real fungi!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Who would be the best food to hang out with, a strawberry, a banana or a mushroom?

A mushroom of course, because he’s a fun-gi.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


He may have been a fun-gi, but he sure did have questionable morels.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?

Button Mushrooms.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I went to the mycologists’ convention, but there was too much shii-take.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What room has no doors, walls, or floor?

A mushroom.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What’s the only room in your house you can’t go into?

A mushroom.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What’s the world’s biggest mushroom competition?

The champignon’s league.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?

β€œHelp! I’m in truffle!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you get if a frog eats a mushroom?

A toadstool.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What sort of room can you eat?

A mushroom.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why does the fungus always win the argument?

Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?

There’s so mush-room for improvement.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?

A shii-talkin mushroom.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What does a mushroom sit on?

A toadstool.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why are mushroom children so good?

They don’t want to get in truffle.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What happens when one fungi marries another fungi?

They become fungus!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?

Shii-talkin!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.

But it was a shii-take!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


My stomach doesn’t tolerate mushrooms.

They really give me a shii-take.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...

they have the best morels.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said, β€œYou’re brilliant, what’s the band called?”

They replied, β€œWe are the Champignons, my friend.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.

He was a real fun-gi.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why are mushrooms popular at parties?

Because everyone loves a fun-gi.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.

One of them said, β€œSorry there is not mush-room.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


So a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œWe don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”

The mushroom says, β€œCome on. I’m a fun-gi.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


My friend had mushrooms during the party.

Now he’s a fun-gi.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong morel fiber.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fun-gal.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?

β€œNo thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Two mushrooms were talking about politics.

One mushroom said, β€œI think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

The other said, β€œThat’s a shiitake.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why don’t mushrooms always get along?

They like to shii-take others.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?

Shiitake mushrooms.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What kind of mushroom gets beat up the most?

A shiitake mushroom.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shii-take.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I’ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.

My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.

I think I need some morel support.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.

I call them the morel majority.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.

Morel of the storey.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.

Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why are books about mushrooms so confusing?

They have too many different morels.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

I’m feeling canneloni right now.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?

To brie.. or not to brie...

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Food Wordplay Jokes



How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Life is gourd.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


You’re gourdgeous!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It’s for autumnmobiles.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

In the gourdroom.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


You’re a wiener!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Let’s be frank... you’re OLD!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Relish every moment!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Let me be frank, I love the summer.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


When do franks tell insults?

At a wienie roast.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How do aliens pay for coffee?

They use star bucks!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.

I thought they’d be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn’t as bad as I expected!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Guess what type of fish frequents the best reefs in the ocean?

The so-fish-ticated type.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Guess what the pickle did when he had a bad day?

He just had to dill.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?

His marinara rights.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


I really want to start a donut shop.

But I don’t have enough dough.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


The donut shop got robbed.

The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.

They’re torus traps.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?

It was a sign that said β€œDonut disturb!”.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Please, donut break my heart.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Donut judge me for being a dessert lover!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the daughter start eating donuts?

Because her mother said, β€œYou better eat hole foods.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What would you call a cute and sassy donut?

Glazing adoughrable.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What would donuts’ favorite drink be?

The hole-y water.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?

Donut kill my vibe!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How can you justify donuts being healthy?

Because they are included in the hole food category.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why do people say donuts are made by God?

Because they are hole-y.

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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?

Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.

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Why are donuts good at playing golf?

They always have a hole in one!

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What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?

Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!

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What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?

β€œI donut care anymore.”

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Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?

Because it is very hole-y.

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Why did the boy stop eating donuts?

Because he got bored with the hole thing.

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What did the doughy wife say to the donut husband?

β€œDonut talk to me!”

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Hole me closer, tiny donut.

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It’s your birthday; let’s donuts!

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Do or donut, there is no try.

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Donut worry. Be happy!

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Let’s go to Dunkin!

We need more hole foods!

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You donut know how much I love you!

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Why do donuts make terrible teachers?

They’re always glazing over the important stuff.

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What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?

Double glazed.

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What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?

An antidought!

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A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.

It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.

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What’s the National Donut Day theme song?

β€œDonut Stop Believing”.

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What are strange donuts made out of?

Weird-doughs.

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Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?

The Sahara dessert.

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Why do golfers love donuts?

Always a hole-in-one!

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What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

β€œDonut hole me back!”

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Why did the donut start going to therapy?

It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missingβ€”it never felt hole!

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Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?

Because there was a hole-in-one.

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Why did the donut go to the dentist?

To get a filling.

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What do you call an underwater Dunken’ Donuts?

Sunken Donuts.

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Why do crypto fans love donuts?

Because they’re decentralized.

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French Donuts...

...are the Beigne of my existence.

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What did the donuts do on their date?

They glazed into each other’s eyes.

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I just heard that the Dunkin’ Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.

They’re going to call it a cough fee.

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The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.

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How does the Krispy Creme sales rep refer to his agenda?

Doughnut Call List.

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Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?

They never get mold.

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Do you want to get a sundae?

No, thanks, it’s only Thursday.

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A day without ice cream is practically un-cone-stitutional.

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I love you un-cone-ditionally.

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Why did the ice cream truck break down?

Because of the rocky road.

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Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the Gelato machine.

She’s a sore babe now.

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Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?

There’s always a chance of sprinkles.

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What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?

A Neapolitan Mastiff.

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My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.

I think he has a Neapolitan complex.

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Hey shorty, it’s sherbet day!

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What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?

What’s the scoop?

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How did Reese eat her ice cream?

Witherspoon.

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I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.

Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.

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Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.

I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.

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Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work.

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What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day!

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Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?

Because he was just too spore.

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The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.

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Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.

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I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.

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Why doesn’t the word β€œmushroom” make a good computer password?

It’s not stroganoff.

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When do mushrooms retire?

When they get too mold.

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Why couldn’t the mushroom get into the club?

He wasn’t mold enough.

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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

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I had this long fungi joke, but I don’t have enough shroom to type it.

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What does a polite mushroom say?

β€œThank you very mush!”

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Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffleβ€”hard to find and incredibly valuable.

You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.

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What does the sun drink out of?

Sun-glasses.

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Funny Kids Jokes About Food: Puns, Dad Jokes and Knock Knock Jokes



What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?

I-Scream!

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How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?

Use a pumpkin patch.

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How do pumpkins get up to the roof?

They use a jack-o-ladder.

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What dog can’t bark?

A hot dog.

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What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?

He relished it.

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What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?

Ketch-up!

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What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?

A Mars bar.

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What chocolate bar never laughs at jokes?

Snickersβ€”he only snickers!

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What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.

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I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.

Ice creamed!

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What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?

A Coco-naut.

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

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Guess what monkeys eat in space?

Space bananas!

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What kind of nut doesn’t have a shell?

A donut.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho is there?”

β€œJustin.”

β€œJustin, who?”

β€œJust in time to eat all the birthday donuts.”

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What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?

β€œSprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget to do your homework or you will have to go to summer school!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget to close the door!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDonut.”

β€œDonut, who?”

β€œDonut ask, it’s a secret!”

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What do you call a cute donut?

Adoughrable.

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What’s a donut’s favorite day of the week?

Fry-day.

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Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

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My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, β€œEnjoy the HOLE donut!”

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How do astronauts eat their ice creams?

In floats.

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Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?

It’s cool.

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How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?

Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œTobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œOx.”

β€œOx, who?”

β€œOx me nice and I will take you out for ice cream.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream every time I see a ghost!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œI scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œFelix.”

β€œFelix, who?”

β€œFelix my ice cream, I’ll lick his!”

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What is a monster’s favorite part of a birthday celebration?

I scream.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream if you don’t let me in!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œWater.”

β€œWater, who?”

β€œWater you waiting for... Let’s get out the ice cream!”

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What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?

Have an ice day!

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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?

β€œHope your birthday is gelato fun!”

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What do you get from an Alaskan cow?

Ice cream.

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Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

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My 2 year old sister’s stinky feet were smelling like cheese.

My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.

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Why did the fungi leave the party?

There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.

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How much room does a fungi need to grow?

As mush-room as possible.

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Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?

Because he’s a fun-gi.

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What room can no one enter?

A Mushroom.

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What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mush-rooms.

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Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?

Because they take up too mush-room.

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Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?

He’s a fun-gi.

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What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

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Bad Funny Food Jokes for Kids



Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?

A hot dog.

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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?

He had got a bowl cut!

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You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?

A Kitty Kat bar.

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Never insult a donut.

Some of them have fillings.

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What’s the best thing about having a big nose?

You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!

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More Food Jokes



Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?

Because it had split ends.

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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?

Nestle Crunk bar.

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Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?

Because they put on the salsa.

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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?

Flanagan.

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What was the almond tree up to all summer?

Nuttin’.

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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

Their seasoning.

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What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?

Snakes and Larders.

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When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.

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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?

Cashews.

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I saw a squirrel throw up today!

It was nuts!

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What is a European dragon’s favorite food?

Swiss charred.

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What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?

Fire-crackers.

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Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?

They wanted to be a salty attorney.

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Just had lunch at the Pelican CafΓ©.

The food was good but the bill was enormous!

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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer CafΓ©?

Chocolate Moose.

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Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?

Because it had appeal.

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What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?

β€œGotta take the gouda with the bad.”

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Person 1: β€œI like Eminem.”

Person 2: β€œWell, I prefer Skittles.”

Person 1: β€œNo, I meant the rapper.”

Person 2: β€œWhy would you eat the wrapper?”

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Why do onions have poor self-image?

Because people cry when they get onions naked.

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What do you call a fasting camel?

Hump-less.

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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?

β€œGotta go fast!”

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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?

A Mooslim.

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What do you call the end of Ramadan?

Ramadusk.

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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They fast during Ramadan.

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Where do fruits like to go on vacations?

To the peach.

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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?

It is a great peach of work.

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Where do you store peach juice?

Inside of a peach-er.

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If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.

It’s peach ball.

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The peach couple is in love.

They seem to be born for peach other.

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This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.

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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?

He was starting to grow peach fuzz.

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How is bacon like southern Europe?

It’s got a lot of Greece in it.

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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?

Ancient Greece.

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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.

I tell ya, it was fal-awful!

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Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning when they came across a mosque.

They hadn’t had food or water for days and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

β€œOk, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You’ll be Hassan, and I’ll be Muhammed,” said Roger.

β€œNo way, man. I’m not going to say that, even if they won’t give us anything to drink,” replied Joe.

They go up and knock on the door.

A Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, β€œYes, how may I help you?”

β€œHello, I’m Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink,” asked Roger.

β€œWhy, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won’t be breaking our fast until sundown.”

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A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.

That was berry rude of him.

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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?

A mis-grape.

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Why did the grape go to school?

To become a little wine-y!

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What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?

A grape-fruit.

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What is fruity and burns?

The Grape Fire of London.

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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?

Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.

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There’s a hair in my wine.

The grapes must have been fur-mented.

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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?

He is raisin them.

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At a get-together, one fruit asked another, β€œI was wondering how you have been.”

The other replied, β€œJust peachy, isn’t that grape?”

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I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.

I’m a flanthropist.

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I found a β€œFresh Baked Bread” scented candle. I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread.

But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

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Have you heard about the new trend?

People are putting baked goods on their ear studs.

It’s pie-on-earring fashion.

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Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.

So I walked over to him and said, β€œI think you’re supposed to open that first.”

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How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

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I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

They smell just like burned toast.

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How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?

Turn off the lights.

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A couple just had their first son.

The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.

They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.

A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.

After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.

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I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.

All Dante.

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A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.

It’s a gnocchia.

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Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?

The spag-yeti.

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At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.

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Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.

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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

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What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?

Bicarbonate of Yoda.

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Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?

It’s meteor.

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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?

Raisin hell!

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget it’s your birthday!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œPudding.”

β€œPudding, who?”

β€œPudding candles on your birthday cake!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œOrange.”

β€œOrange, who?”

β€œOrange you going to open your birthday presents?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIvana.”

β€œIvana, who?”

β€œIvana piece of your birthday cake.”

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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?

Must-turd.

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What is the rough part of Italy called?

The spaghetto.

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Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

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Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.

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Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

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Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.

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Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.

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Chuck Noris once picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.

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Chuck Norris uses one chopstick.

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Teacher: β€œWhat are the seasons?”

Student: β€œSalt, pepper, ginger...”

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What did the apple teacher say to her student?

β€œHelp me orange the chairs please!”

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The student asked the teacher, β€œCashew a question?”

And the teacher replied, β€œNut now”.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œWitch.”

β€œWitch, who?”

β€œWitch one of you will give me my Halloween sweet?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œVenice.”

β€œVenice, who?”

β€œVenice Halloween candy coming out?!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œFigs.”

β€œFigs, who?”

β€œFigs the doorbell, it’s not working lazy bones!

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œLuke.”

β€œLuke, who?”

β€œLuke through the peep hole, it’s gourd-geous!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCash.”

β€œCash, who?”

β€œI didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œToast.”

β€œToast, who?”

β€œToasting to a delicious breakfast!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCereal.”

β€œCereal, who?”

β€œCereal-ously ready for breakfast!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œBacon.”

β€œBacon, who?”

β€œBacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œEgg.”

β€œEgg, who?”

β€œEgg-cited for breakfast?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œWaffle.”

β€œWaffle, who?”

β€œWaffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCIA.”

β€œCIA, who?”

β€œCI ate your last doughnut!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCanoe.”

β€œCanoe, who?”

β€œCanoe you buy me a donut?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDonut.”

β€œDonut, who?”

β€œDonut ask, it’s a secret!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget to close the door!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget to share your donuts with me!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDonut.”

β€œDonut, who?”

β€œDonut worry, be happy!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce Cream Soda.”

β€œIce Cream Soda, who?”

β€œIce Cream Soda whole party can hear me.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream every time I see a spider.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œMeringue.”

β€œMeringue, who?”

β€œMeringue the bell but nobody answered.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œOrange.”

β€œOrange, who?”

β€œOrange you glad I’m here?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œTurnip.”

β€œTurnip, who?”

β€œTurnip the radio, please!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œPeas.”

β€œPeas, who?”

β€œPeas tell me more knock knock jokes!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCumin.”

β€œCumin, who?”

β€œCan I cumin? It’s cold out here!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œRice.”

β€œRice, who?”

β€œRice to meet you!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œOnion.”

β€œOnion, who?”

β€œOnion mark, get set, go!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œBean.”

β€œBean, who?”

β€œBean awhile since I’ve seen you!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œAnita.”

β€œAnita, who?”

β€œAnita piece of that birthday cake!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œUriah.”

β€œUriah, who?”

β€œKeep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCandice.”

β€œCandice, who?”

β€œCandice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream if you don’t throw a great birthday party!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œLettuce.”

β€œLettuce, who?”

β€œLettuce eat cake, it’s your birthday!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œBacon.”

β€œBacon, who?”

β€œBacon a cake for your birthday.”

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Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?

Because it’s a-maize-ing.

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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?

You’ll both be filled with stuffing.

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What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?

A family member giving you the bird.

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My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are the relatives who don’t leave until Monday.

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Don’t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.

They’ll never stop roasting the turkey.

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So a housewife is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, β€œAre you hungry, dear?”

And the turkey answers, β€œNo, I’m stuffed.”

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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.

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Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œHow did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.

β€œOh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. β€œSo I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”

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Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey.

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Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.

The indigenous people, however, have reservations.

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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?

Yammies.

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Chicken to turkey:

β€œOnly Thanksgiving and Christmas? You’re lucky, with us it’s any Sunday.”

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Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

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What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

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What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

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β€œWhy did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”

β€œI yam what I yam.”

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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?

It was too stuffed to say anything.

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Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?

The turkey, because he’s already stuffed.

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I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.

But they banned flavored vapes.

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A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.

He was gratefull.

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What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?

Stuffing.

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A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night, planning to spend the holiday and meal together.

As the family gathers, the couple’s children are late to arrive, prompting the mother-in-law to complain aloud, β€œUgh, your children, always late.”

Eventually, everyone arrives and sits down to eat. Despite the tension, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table, and no one has the strength to argue with her.

After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain again, β€œUgh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”

A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats, and the evening continues.

While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, β€œUgh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”

A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and narrowly missing her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, β€œUgh, this clock... always late.”

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What’s Thanksgiving?

Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.

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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?

Plump kin.

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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

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Why are the cranberries red?

They saw the turkey dressing!

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Why wasn’t the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?

No one wanted to try his stuffing.

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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?

Grave-y!

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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?

Because they always burnham.

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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?

24 Karat cakes.

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What kind of key is edible?

A turkey on Thanksgiving.

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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, β€œIf your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?

They beat the stuffing outta each other.

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A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, β€œWe need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”

The boyfriend replied, β€œIn that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”

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Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?

It had 24 carrots!

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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?

Because he had the drumsticks!

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Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?

The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.

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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?

He was foiled.

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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

He lost track of thyme.

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Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?

You butterball-ieve it.

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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.

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What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?

Pumpkin pi.

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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

β€œβ€¦This is the way.”

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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?

We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?

β€œEasy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”

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Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?

He couldn’t quit cold turkey.

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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?

It’s irrational.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œNorma Lee.”

β€œNorma Lee, who?”

β€œNorma Lee I don’t eat this much!”

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Why don’t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don’t like Turkey.

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What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

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Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.

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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?

Because of fowl language.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œEsther.”

β€œEsther, who?”

β€œEsther any more cranberry sauce?”

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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?

He had to quit cold turkey.

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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

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What do you call bread baked by a poet?

Poet-rye.

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I went to see a beet poet the other day.

There were lots of hip peas there.

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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

β€œTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.

We stayed in a tea-pea.

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I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.

So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.

Pushed through the crowds shouting β€œlet me through, let me through!”.

I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.

A woman turned to me and said, β€œOh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?”.

I replied no, but that’s my pizza!

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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?

They love practical yolks.

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Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.

For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

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For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

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In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.

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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?

β€œWhat the hellmann!”

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The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.

She left a note, saying:

I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

β€œShe’s finally gone... Yeah, I know... I’m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Can’t wait to see you...”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

β€œI can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”

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What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?

Mozzartrella.

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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her, β€œTips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying.

I answered, β€œI have reached where they are cutting onions.”

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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, β€œI can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”

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I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?

You don’t get a lollipop afterward.

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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?

Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.

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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?

It asked if I would accept cookies.

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My husband cooks for me like I’m a godβ€”by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a dumb carnivore?

A meathead.

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Vegan: β€œHey, try eating this apple.”

Meat-eater: β€œHey, this tastes pretty good.”

Vegan: β€œWell, that’s because it’s vegan.”

Meat-eater: β€œI thought it tasted it a bit funny.”

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Vegan: β€œPeople who sell meat are gross!”

Non-vegetarian: β€œPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

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My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it’s very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy, but you ate it.

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911 operator: β€œ911.”

β€œHello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.

β€œWhat’s the emergency?”

The husband replies, β€œHow do I know when the rice is ready?”

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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a β€œbear attack”.

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A terrified mother called 911.

β€œHelp me!” she said. β€œMy son just swallowed a fork!”

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.

β€œWhat should I do until it arrives?” the mother asked him.

Operator: β€œUse a spoon.”

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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

β€œMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.

β€œDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.

β€œThere must be something you would have of me,” said God.

β€œWell, there is one thing,” she said.

β€œJust name it,” said God.

β€œIt’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”

β€œConsider it done,” said God. β€œBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”

β€œThere is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.

β€œName it. Please,” said God.

β€œIt’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. β€œThey’re so hard to peel.”

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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

β€œMother”, the nuns pleaded, β€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, β€œDon’t sell that cow.”

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What do you call a red, white and blue pie?

Pastry-otic.

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Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

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What do you call cheese that is sad?

Blue cheese.

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What is a bear’s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

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What is red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.

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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


The blue cheese thought he was the king.

But he was just a cheesy guy.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What do you call a sad berry?

A blue-fruit.

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I made a blue smoothie today.

It was berry good.

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What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?

Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.

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Why do blueberries make bad employees?

They always end up getting the blues.

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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?

They’re naturally blue-tiful.

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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?

It was feeling blue.

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What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

β€œHallou-mi!”

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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

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Why was the blueberry always tired?

Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.

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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?

It was feeling blue.

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Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?

Because it was too blue.

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What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blue-berry.

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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?

Because they’re all blubber and no beef.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?

Gas-tronomic swirl.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?

Gas-tly sourdough.

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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?

It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?

Gas-tronomy.

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What happens when a waffle gets mad?

It flips.

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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.

But my kids keep egging me on.

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I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.

He’s never talked to me again.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œHoward.”

β€œHoward, who?”

β€œHoward you like breakfast in bed?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œJuliet.”

β€œJuliet, who?”

β€œJuliet pancakes for breakfast.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œAida.”

β€œAida, who?”

β€œAida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œLeah.”

β€œLeah, who?”

β€œLeah-n an egg for my breakfast!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œHammond.”

β€œHammond, who?”

β€œHammond eggs for breakfast please!”

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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple β€œThank you” is all I need.

Not all this β€œHow did you get in my house??!!!” business.

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Friend 1:Β β€œI just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. It’s called β€œRise and Shine Juice”.

Friend 2:Β β€œCool! What’s in it?”

Friend 1:Β β€œYeast and shoe polish.”

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What’s a car’s favorite meal?

Brake-fast.

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What is the definition of breakfast?

What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.

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What is dog’s favoriteΒ breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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Why did the bacon laugh?

Because the egg cracked a yolk!

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What do authors eat for breakfast?

Synonym buns.

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What do snowmenΒ eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

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What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blueberry muffin.

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Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?

It fell to pieces under pressure!

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Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?

It was feeling a little crumby.

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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!

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Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?

It wasΒ berryΒ speeding!

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I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.

That place was giving me the crΓͺpes.

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The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.

The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.

Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, β€œMa’am, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?”

The little old lady smiled and said, β€œIt’s nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.”

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What makes nuts healthy?

They have many nut-rients.

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Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.

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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, β€œYou can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

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What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?

Eat, stink, and be merry.

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What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?

Never a dill moment.

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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?

She lost out on a juicy roll.

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When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.

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What do you call a male buffalo?

A buffellow.

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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

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Three soccer playersβ€”one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalβ€”are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, β€œWell, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, β€œWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, β€œI’m not hungry...”

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I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, β€œMade with real Amish milk.”

I didn’t even know you could milk the Amish.

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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.

The university responsed, β€œWhy do we need another phone company?”

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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.

He claimed it wasn’t mine.

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TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.

His friends often remarked, β€œHey, that’s not yo cheese.”

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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, β€œMerci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, β€œNo mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, β€œAre you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

β€œI know,” says the boy, β€œbut when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, β€˜Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”

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When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

β€œThis is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”

β€œOh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. β€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?”

β€œWell, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”

β€œWill that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, β€œWell, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the fungi leave the party?

There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCash.”

β€œCash, who?”

β€œNo thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

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