Flying Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Flying Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Flying Jokes


Chuck Norris can fly, because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.

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What language do things that fly in the sky speak?

Plane English.

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A man walks up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks, โ€œHow did you get here?โ€

The man answers, โ€œFlu.โ€

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The bird developed an illness.

I think it started when the bird flu.

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John thought he could never catch an illness.

When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say โ€œThe day I become ill will be the day pigs flyโ€.

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

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A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo, playing a soccer with an invisible ball.

The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.

They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

The pilot asks the copilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down.

The copilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns to the cabin.

Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.

The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.

The copilot replies, โ€œI told them: Soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.โ€

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A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, โ€œI have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,โ€ he explained, โ€œand although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.โ€

Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.

โ€œHow come you changed your theory?โ€ he asked.

โ€œOh, I didnโ€™t change my theory, itโ€™s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.โ€

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Whatโ€™s a good winter tip?

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.

He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.

The man replies, โ€œYouโ€™re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.โ€

โ€œThanks,โ€ replies the balloonist. โ€œBy the way, are you a data analyst?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ replies the man, โ€œhow did you know?โ€

โ€œEverything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ replied the camel-riding analyst. โ€œBy the way, are you a company manager?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the balloonist, โ€œhow did you know?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the analyst, โ€œYouโ€™ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction youโ€™re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.โ€

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Marvel Comics have announced a new female Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, because sheโ€™s not allowed to drive.

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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.

He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, โ€œHa! Anything you can do, I can do better!โ€

The bomber pilot replies, โ€œOh, yeah? Letโ€™s see you do this!โ€ and keeps flying straight and level.

The fighter jock asks, โ€œUm... What did you do?โ€

The B-52 pilot says, โ€œI just shut down two engines.โ€

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My brother has a pilotโ€™s license but only uses it for private flights. So he placed advertisements all over the plane.

Now he flies commercial.

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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, โ€œWe have lost one engine, but donโ€™t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.โ€

A little later, the pilot announced, โ€œAnother engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.โ€

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, โ€œA third engine was broken. Never fear because the planeโ€™s still able to fly on one engine. However, itโ€™ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.โ€

At this point, one passenger said, โ€œGee, I hope we donโ€™t lose that last engine, or weโ€™ll be up here forever!โ€

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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?

Thereโ€™s nothing worth craping on.

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One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.

The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.

The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.

After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isnโ€™t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the โ€œYou didnโ€™t see anythingโ€ talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.

The Air Force fuels up the manโ€™s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

The next day, the manโ€™s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.

When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.

As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, โ€œDo whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!โ€

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Which country has the worst air force?

Turkey. None of them can fly.

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On Teachersโ€™ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?

To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.

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Iโ€™m like the American Airlines of dating.

We understand you had other options of relationships and weโ€™re sorry you chose me.

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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

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The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

Itโ€™s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, โ€œWindow or aisl?โ€

I laughed right in her face and replied, โ€œWindow or youโ€™ll what?โ€

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A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasnโ€™t at baggage claim when he landed in New York.

He lost his case.

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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

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Too many spiders in your house can turn it into a no fly zone.

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It was a baby mosquitoโ€™s first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, his father asked, โ€œHow was your journey?โ€

The baby mosquito replied, โ€œIt went great, everyone was clapping for me!โ€

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Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, โ€œLast year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.โ€

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldnโ€™t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, โ€œAny idea where we are?โ€

He replied, โ€œI think weโ€™re pretty close to where we crashed last year.โ€

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A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.

The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.

The Karen smugly replies, โ€œI am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.โ€

The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.

The Karen responds by shouting loudly, โ€œI am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!โ€

The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.

The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, โ€œWell, why didnโ€™t you say so sooner?!โ€ and storms off to her seat in coach.

Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, โ€œWeโ€™ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.โ€

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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.

But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?

Thereโ€™s more geese on that side.

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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out a plane.

For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.

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What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?

A flamingstop.

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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.

Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.

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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.

They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands arenโ€™t met they will release one drummer an hour.

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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, โ€œMy dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.โ€

โ€œVery good,โ€ said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, โ€œWe are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before theyโ€™re hatched.โ€

โ€œVery good,โ€ said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barneyโ€™s turn to tell his story, โ€œMy dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.โ€

โ€œGo on,โ€ said the teacher, intrigued.

โ€œAunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.โ€

โ€œGood heavens,โ€ said the horrified teacher, โ€œWhat did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?โ€

โ€œStay away from Aunt Karen when sheโ€™s been drinking.โ€

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Why canโ€™t penguins fly?

Theyโ€™re not tall enough to be pilots.

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A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.

Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?

It has more ducks.

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My wife was talking about funeral plans.

My Wife: โ€œI said weโ€™ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.โ€

Me: โ€œI was in the Air Force.โ€

My Wife: โ€œOK, weโ€™ll toss you out of an airplane.โ€

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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

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Did you heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I donโ€™t know why itโ€™s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

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Your head is so big, the airlines charge you an extra $25 to bring it aboard.

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, โ€œMan, I wish we had something to drink!โ€

Jim says, โ€œMe too. You know, Iโ€™ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?โ€

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. Itโ€™s Jim.

Jim: โ€œHey, how do you feel this morning?โ€

Dave: โ€œI feel great, how about you?โ€

Jim: โ€œI feel great, too. You donโ€™t have a hangover?โ€

Dave: โ€œNo, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.โ€

Jim: โ€œYeah, well thereโ€™s just one thing.โ€

Dave: โ€œWhatโ€™s that?โ€

Jim: โ€œHave you farted yet?โ€

Dave: โ€œNo.โ€

Jim: โ€œWell, DONโ€™Tโ€”because Iโ€™m in New Zealand.โ€

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, โ€œI ask you a question, and if you donโ€™t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.โ€

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, โ€œOkay, if you donโ€™t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I donโ€™t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.โ€

This catches the blondeโ€™s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. โ€œWhatโ€™s the distance from the earth to the moon?โ€

The blonde doesnโ€™t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

โ€œOkay,โ€ says the lawyer, โ€œyour turn.โ€

She asks the lawyer, โ€œWhat goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?โ€

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, โ€œThank you,โ€ and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, โ€œWell, whatโ€™s the answer?โ€

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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Did you hear about the alien who flew a spaceship from Neptune to Uranus in just 3 minutes and 21 seconds?

Heโ€™s listed in the Guinness Book Of Out-Of-This-World Records.

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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?

Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!

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Why do aliens always spill their tea?

Because they have flying saucers!

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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

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I have never seen a UFO before.

Because Iโ€™m always able to correctly identify the flying object.

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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.

But they wouldnโ€™t let us land because the moon was full.

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Iโ€™m not really enjoying this space flight, Iโ€™d like to speak to the moon-agement!

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I sued the airport the other day because they didnโ€™t want to give me my luggage.

Guess what, I lost the case.

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Which kind of donuts can fly?

The plane ones.

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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.

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Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.

I saw it today in the orbituaries.

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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, โ€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ€

The second falcon turns back and says, โ€œYouโ€™d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ€

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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, โ€œIโ€™m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,โ€ said the elf in charge of the workshop. โ€œOne of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. Iโ€™m afraid we only have four elites tonight.โ€

โ€œSo be it,โ€ said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.

โ€œOh no!โ€ he said. โ€œSome of the reindeer may have escaped!โ€

Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

โ€œGood evening, Santa,โ€ said the angel. โ€œWhere do you want me to put this?โ€

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.

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My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

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