Enjoy our team's carefully selected Flu Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
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A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
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Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
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Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
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Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
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I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
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Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks, “Flu B or not flu B?”
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I might have gotten the flu in China.
Well, WHO cares?
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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Covid-19 is just like the flu, don’t believe in all social media that are fearmongering.
Spread the word and be positive.
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Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
But the virus was as fast as lightning.
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
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What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?
Pun-Jabby.
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Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?
He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.
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What is the best way to avoid Asian flu?
Have a Phu shot.
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What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
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The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
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What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
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A man walks up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks, “How did you get here?”
The man answers, “Flu.”
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How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu.
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I became ill after taking self-defense classes.
I think I caught Kung Flu.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
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What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
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They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
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What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
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How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
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As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
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Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
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Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!
The flu.
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Friend: “Where were you?”
Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”
Friend: “Flu?”
Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”
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There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
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The phone rang in the principal’s office.
Principal: “Hello?”
Caller: “Umm, yes, hi, my son won’t be coming to school today because he’s got the flu.”
Principal: “OK, and who may I ask is speaking?”
Caller: “Umm, my dad.”
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
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“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
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John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
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“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”
“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”
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They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
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Outbreak: New strain of bird flu discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
It’s untweetable.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other. They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass.
What a caring community we live in, God Bless.
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What do vegans get instead of bird flu?
Toflu.
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What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
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Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
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A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.
He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.
“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.
The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.
“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”
The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.
“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”
He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”
“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
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What kind of flu do Chinese people have?
Kung flu.
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Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?
He finally went viral.
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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
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The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu, and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I’m starting to think they’re bad luck.
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It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
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What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
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Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
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They’re vaccinating against bird flu again.
Call it a rooster shot.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
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What happened when the flu joined Instagram?
She became an influenza.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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