Enjoy our team's carefully selected Fishing Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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What did the mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
“Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!”
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water to do his business, and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business, and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, “Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were.”
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I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
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TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
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Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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Why don’t women in Arabic countries need car insurance?
Because they are already covered.
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Preschools and bars have the same rule.
You pee your pants, you go home.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Little Johnny’s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,” said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
“Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
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A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
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A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, “A lawyer!”
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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:
“Need Tudoring?”
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When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”
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The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers Little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers Little Johnny.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
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Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.
The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.
When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question, “You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?”
The student replies, “I open the window.”
“OK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?”
The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, “I don’t know.”
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend, “You are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?”
He says, “I will take my jacket off.” “OK. But it’s still too hot. What do you do?”
“I take my shirt off.”
“I understand but it’s very, very hot.”
“I will just get naked.”
“OK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.”
“With all respect, professor,” said the student, “I don’t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there’s no way I’m opening that darn window!”
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If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father. Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?” “Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.
Holding them up, he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”
“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.
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Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?
He was arrested for money laundrying.
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.
They’re my last reshorts.
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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
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What’s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?
Both were laundered.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
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Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?
She had a captive audience.
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Recently, I’ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
It’s a tough job, but I enjoy it.
It really has its prose and cons.
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After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”
Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
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Why do nuns always wear black and white?
No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.
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Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?
It takes 21 days to make a habit.
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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
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I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
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Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
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I went to a party once where everyone was dressed in blue.
It was like a sea of navy-tees.
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
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In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
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What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
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A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.
“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”
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Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet?
On line.
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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”
The Newfie says, “No, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained? Like how?”
“Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”
“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”
So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”
The Newfoundlander says, “What for?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”
“What lobsters?” the Newfie asks.
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”
“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”
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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!”
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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