Fisherman Jokes



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Fisherman Jokes


Important Announcement:

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:

1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

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A man was fishing in the jungle.

After a while another angler came to join him.

“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.

“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”

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Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet?

On line.

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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.

Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”

The Newfie says, “No, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”

The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained? Like how?”

“Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”

“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”

So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.

After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”

The Newfoundlander says, “What for?”

The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”

“What lobsters?” the Newfie asks.

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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers’ jerseys aboard. 

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

“I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, “Who was that?”

“It was the Pope,” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

“Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing... How’s the bait holding up?”

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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

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Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.

Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he’d hide his treasure in the kingdom’s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.

Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom’s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.

The king spots him and tells his guards, “This man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.”

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

“No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,” states the king.

The fisherman replies, “Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.”

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.

Perplexed at this man’s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, “I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!”

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.

The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fisherman’s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, “It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?”

The fisherman replies, “The northern half.”

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”

“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”

“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”

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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.

Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!”

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