Jokes on Fish
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Fish Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.
“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
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What was the mermaid doing at the bottom of the sea?
She dropped out of school.
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Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet?
On line.
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Why did the new Little Mermaid actress have to be someone without any cosmetic enhancements?
Because there is enough plastic in the ocean already.
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What do you call violent mermaids?
Mercenaries.
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
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If mermaid is woman, then what do you call a man version of mermaid?
Merbutler.
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Did you guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?
It’s only a tale.
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Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”
The Newfie says, “No, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained? Like how?”
“Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”
“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”
So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”
The Newfoundlander says, “What for?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”
“What lobsters?” the Newfie asks.
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Why don’t lobsters like to share?
Because they’re shellfish.
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?
To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.
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A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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What does a fish say when it hits a brick wall?
Dam.
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Today I’m making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.
It will be a challenge because I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before.
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What do you call a Jewish fish?
Isra-eel.
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Did you know all sushi comes from female fish?
Otherwise, it would be called suhe.
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What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”
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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!”
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
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Why don’t fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
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Hey girl, are you an angler fish?
Because you are the light in my darkness.
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A shark just ate my girlfriend during our fishing trip.
Will you be my new one?
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.
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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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