Enjoy our team's carefully selected Fire Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
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Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.
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Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice.
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A 911 operator gets a call.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks.
“I’m smoking,” replied a middle-aged woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you shouldn’t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?”
Woman: “Yeah.”
“Well, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“I swear to god, if it’s that woman, I’m going to have a seizure,” the operator mumbles under his breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Excuse me, but you know it’s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,” he hangs up the phone.
It rings again, with the same number.
The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DON’T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”
Woman: “Sorry, but...”
Operator: “NO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!”
“Yes, I do.”
“What is it, then?!”
“I’m on fire.”
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A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire, so she called 911.
The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”
The operator asked, “Where are you?”
The blonde answered, “At my house”.
The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?”
The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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What do you call a fire at the Internet café?
An e-mergency.
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Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?
They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!
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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
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Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.
Unfortunately, they didn’t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.
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I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window.
I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
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What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
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An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.
So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke, “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!”
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back once again with the smoke, “OK, chief, but why so much?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky.
The tribe signals, “OK, OK, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
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“The neighbors hate us.”
“Why?”
“Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?”
“Yeah, that was really fun.”
“And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband’s arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?”
“Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we’d done...”
“We were still holding our marshmallow sticks...”
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I’ve lost all my Pokémon cards in a house fire.
I’ve only got Ash now.
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It’s hotter than a fox on a treadmill in a forest fire.
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This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
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I had a roommate in college who was such a bad cook, his mac and cheese caught fire.
What a flaming casserole!
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What did the firefighter say when the church caught on fire?
“Holy smoke!”
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It’s always good to find out you’re going to be working from home.
Unless you’re a firefighter.
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My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Maybe that’s why he got fired from the fire service.
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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What do dragons like with their soup?
Firecrackers.
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How can you tell a boy dragon from a girl dragon?
Fireballs.
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“Dad, do you like baked apples?”
“Yes son, why?”
“The orchard’s on fire.”
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Cinderella got her name from having to clean the cinders from the fireplace.
If instead she had to make pizzas, would her name be Mozzerella?
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I hate those people who knock on your door and say “You need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn’”.
Stupid firemen.
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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
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It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
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It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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I went to a church men’s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, “Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”
“To which Joe replies, “Chocolate sausage.”
This gets everyone’s attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, “This doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, “The horse was named Chocolate.”
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“Man, my sinuses are on fire!”
“An allergy?”
“No, a metaphor.”
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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Your mama so hot rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
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