Finance Jokes



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Finance Jokes


My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.

I hope I can afford it.

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A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank telling him, “Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion.”

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says “I’d like a coffee, please.”

The cashier tells him “That’ll be $30 billion.”.

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Black Friday – the day when people spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need.

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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test “Clean the Floor”.

“You are hired,” the employer said. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”

The man replied, “I don’t have a computer or an email.”

“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”

The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.

He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.

He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.

Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future and decided to have life insurance.

He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.

The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”

The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”

The man paused for a while and replied, “An office boy!”

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I asked the bank for a loan to open a pizza delivery by drone business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.

The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.

The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.

At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.

The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!

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How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When it’s down to its last quarter.

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Why do crypto fans love donuts?

Because they’re decentralized.

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Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?

Because he was just too spore.

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I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

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It has been said about tax:

“For doing wrong, you are taxed a fine.

For doing well, you are fined a tax.”

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They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes.

At least death only happens once!

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Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.

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At the bank, I told the cashier, “I would like to open a joint account.”

He asked, “With whom?”

I answered, “With whomsoever has lots of money.”

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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mine’s run out of money...

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An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.

“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.

“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.

“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

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Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”

The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”

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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”

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Two friends talking:

“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”

“Get money from your job.”

“I got fired.”

“Why?”

“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”

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