Fighting Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Fighting Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Fighting Jokes


Chuck Norris can punch you in the back of the face.

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Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.

The knife lost.

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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?

They beat the stuffing outta each other.

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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.

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In Darwin, Australia, a multi-millionaire wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Brian, the sole aboriginal in the area.

He threw the party in his mansion’s garden, around the pool. Everyone was having a terrific time drinking, dancing, eating grilled prawns and oysters, and flirting.

The millionaire then announced, β€œI have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who joins him in the pool.”

The words had only left his mouth when there was a huge splash.

Everyone turned around to see Brian fighting the crocodile in the water, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, headbutting it, choking it, biting its tail, and tossing it into the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was swirling and splashing all over the place. Brian and the crocodile were both shouting and yelling.

Brian finally strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish after what seemed like an eternity.

Brian stepped out of the pool, weary, with everyone looking at him in surprise.

β€œWell, Brian, I think I owe you a million dollars then,” the millionaire responded.

β€œNo way, boss, I don’t want it,” Brian replied.

So the millionaire says, β€œMan, I have to offer you something. You won the wager. How about a million dollars?”

β€œNo, thanks, I don’t want it,” Brian said emphatically.

The millionaire again says, β€œCome on, I have to give you something. That was incredible. What about a brand-new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?”

Again, Brian said, β€œNo.”

β€œWell, Brian, then what do you want?” the rich man inquired, perplexed.

β€œI want the bastard who pushed me in,” said Brian.

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Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

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I became ill after taking self-defense classes.

I think I caught Kung Flu.

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A boy calls 911.

β€œ911, what is your emergency?”

The boy replied, β€œMy parents are fighting, and I’m scared..”

β€œWell, who’s your father?”

β€œWell, that’s what they’re fighting about.”

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One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, β€œI thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman!”

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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, β€œI need to get up and get a Coke.”

β€œDon’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, β€œI’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, β€œThat looks good, I’d really like one, too.”

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

β€œWhy does it have to be this way?” he asked. β€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”

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Why did the peanut butter and jelly get into a fight?

Because they couldn’t agree on which bread to use.

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Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?

They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.

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A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks, β€œHey, do you know Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or anything like that?”

Offended, the Asian man replies, β€œWhat you think that just because I’m Asian, I know martial arts?”

The man replies, β€œNah, it’s because you’re drinking my damn bourbon!”

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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, β€œWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, β€œYou are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, β€œWho is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, β€œOh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, β€œWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, β€œJust because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

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My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.

Maybe that’s why he got fired from the fire service.

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I’ve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.

They fought tooth and nail.

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A stormtrooper and a redshirt get into a fight.

The stormtrooper missed every shot.

The redshirt died anyway.

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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers’ jerseys aboard.Β 

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

β€œI give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. β€œI heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, β€œWho was that?”

β€œIt was the Pope,” one replied. β€œHe is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

β€œWell,” the harpooner said, β€œhe may have access to God’s wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing... How’s the bait holding up?”

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An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called forΒ medical help.

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2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.

Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right-handed to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice.

A player on the bench says, β€œAt least he got ice on it right away.”

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One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, β€œBring me my red shirt.”

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterward when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded, β€œIf I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me.”

The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, β€œBoys, bring me my brown pants!”

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A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom, β€œHe fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.”

Mom: β€œNo, dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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What does Spider-Man do when he’s not fighting crime?

Web Development.

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Don’t fight with me over chocolate because I am not someone to be truffled with!

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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

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What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

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Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the North Pole.

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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.

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