Father Jokes



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Father Jokes


Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.”

“Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.”

“That’s nothing,” said the third kid. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!”

😄 😄 😄


To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.

But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”

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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

“What’s the matter, honey?” she asks. “Why the heck are you down here at this hour?”

Her husband looks up at her, “Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”

“Sure,” she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, “And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”

Wife: “Yes, of course.”

“And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said ‘You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”

“Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,“It’s just... I would have been out today.”

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Young actor: “Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”

Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”

😄 😄 😄


A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”

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Teacher: “If your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?”

Akpos: “$10.”

Teacher: “You don’t know maths.”

Akpos: “You don’t know my father!”

😄 😄 😄


I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.

He claimed it wasn’t mine.

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Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, “Dad, how do you spell mobile phone?”

Father: “How it sounds.”

Pepito: “And if it is in vibrate mode?”

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Pepito tells his dad, “Dad I got a 10 in school today.”

Pepito’s father asks him delighted, “How wonderful, Pepito! In which area did you get that qualification?”

Pepito responds, “I got 5 in spelling and 5 in history.

😄 😄 😄


My father asked me how my last hike went.

I told him, “It had its ups and downs.”

😄 😄 😄


“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.

“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.

😄 😄 😄


“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother. “Now daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious.

“What trick is that?” she asked.

“He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.

😄 😄 😄


Dear Father,

university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear David,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

😄 😄 😄


“It’s clear,” said the teacher, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”

“Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.”

😄 😄 😄


Everyone keeps wishing a happy Father’s Day to “The best dad in the world”.

I’m flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a happy Father’s Day as well.

😄 😄 😄


For Father’s Day, my wife gave me a rear facing camera for my car.

I haven’t looked back since.

😄 😄 😄


For Father’s Day, my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed.

I’d have preferred they made it in the kitchen, but it’s the thought that counts.

😄 😄 😄


When is Father’s Day?

Nine months after Father’s Night.

😄 😄 😄


Father’s Day at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, “Logan, what does your father do?”

“My dad is a cop. I’m gonna draw him catching a bad guy.”

Then the teacher asks, “Briei, what does your father do?”

Briei says, “My dad is a writer. I’m going to draw him with his new book.”

Teacher gets to Jake, “And what does your father do, Jake?”

Jake says, “My dad is dead.”

“Oh my,” teacher says. “What did your father do before he died?”

Jake: “He turned blue and pooped on the floor.”

😄 😄 😄


Father’s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.

“Son, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for daddy yet?”

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

😄 😄 😄


My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.

I hope I can afford it.

😄 😄 😄


What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?

This changes everything!

😄 😄 😄


Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy.

😄 😄 😄


What did the drummer call his twin sons?

Tom.

😄 😄 😄


What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?

Because they build character.

😄 😄 😄


I wanted to impress my crush, so I told her about my millionaire dad.

Now she is my mom.

😄 😄 😄


My dad told me to never trust crabs.

They’re shellfish.

😄 😄 😄


My dad called. He said he’s coming back home after all these years.

The Boomer rang.

😄 😄 😄


One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He then left, and never came back.

😄 😄 😄


What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?

Bison.

😄 😄 😄


My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.

The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”

Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”

Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”

Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”

😄 😄 😄


Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

😄 😄 😄


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

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When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

😄 😄 😄


A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”

“No, just 3,” replies the kid.

“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

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What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?

“Don’t worry! It’s just a phase it’s going through!”

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”

Dad: “No sun?”

Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”

Dad: “No sun!”

Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the moon say to the sun?

“Hello, Sun.”

What did the sun say to the moon?

“Dad?”

😄 😄 😄


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.

“Steve, this is important.” I urged.

“No way, Dad. Listen!”

“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”

“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”

“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

“Donut hole me back!”

😄 😄 😄


My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

Dad: “No sun.”

😄 😄 😄


A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”

The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son...”

“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

😄 😄 😄


A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!”

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

😄 😄 😄


In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.

Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.

😄 😄 😄


Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”

😄 😄 😄


A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”

😄 😄 😄


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”

Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”

“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”

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Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”

“Good night, father of one,” she replies.

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Me: “Good night, kids!”

Kids: “Good night, dad!”

Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”

Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”

😄 😄 😄


I told my dad I couldn’t believe I’d failed my biology exam.

He said, “I’m your mum!”

😄 😄 😄


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

“Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, “Diane is your half-sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”

“Yes, son. I did once.”

“And, what happened?”

“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”

“Tell him I’ve got one.”

😄 😄 😄


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

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Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, “Your name?”

“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”

“Oh, you stutter?”

“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

😄 😄 😄


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

“FATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

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Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!

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My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

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The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

😄 😄 😄


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”

😄 😄 😄


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

😄 😄 😄


A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”

😄 😄 😄


At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

😄 😄 😄


A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: “My father’s checkbook.”

😄 😄 😄


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”

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