Father Jokes



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Father Jokes


Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?

He was starting to grow peach fuzz.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.

A few days pass, and the father calls the son, โ€œHow's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?โ€

โ€œNo, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.

He didnโ€™t want to make a spectacle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:

โ€œYouโ€™re the man of the house now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, โ€œHe was born in a manger.โ€ Bobby said, โ€œHe threw the money changers out of the temple.โ€

Little Johnny said, โ€œHe has a red pickup truck but he doesnโ€™t know how to drive it.โ€

Curious, the teacher asked, โ€œAnd where did you learn that, Johnny?โ€

โ€œFrom my daddy,โ€ said Johnny. โ€œYesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him, โ€˜Jesus Christ! Why donโ€™t you learn how to drive?!โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says, โ€œmy daddy taught me.โ€

โ€œCan you tell me what comes after three?โ€

โ€œFour,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œWhat comes after six?โ€

โ€œSeven,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œVery good,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œYour father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?โ€

โ€œA jack,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my aging father why he doesnโ€™t have life insurance.

โ€œBecause, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my mother died, all my father said was โ€œcough, fatigue,ย feverโ€.

Heโ€™s a man of flu words.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The phone rang in the principalโ€™s office.

Principal: โ€œHello?โ€

Caller: โ€œUmm, yes, hi, my son wonโ€™t be coming to school today because heโ€™s got the flu.โ€

Principal: โ€œOK, and who may I ask is speaking?โ€

Caller: โ€œUmm, my dad.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, โ€œWell, have you tried euthanasia?โ€

In the background, I could hear my mom yell, โ€œFor the last time, Henry, itโ€™s pronounced โ€˜Echinacea!โ€™, โ€˜Echinacea!!!โ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boy calls 911.

โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œMy parents are fighting, and Iโ€™m scared..โ€

โ€œWell, whoโ€™s your father?โ€

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s what theyโ€™re fighting about.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


To her credit, the registeredย nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didnโ€™t mean to be unkind.

But he didnโ€™t think it was very nice of her to say, โ€œJust a little prick, sir.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter, honey?โ€ she asks. โ€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ€

Her husband looks up at her, โ€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, โ€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โ€˜You either marry her or Iโ€™ll put you in jail for 20 years!โ€™?โ€

โ€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ€ she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โ€œItโ€™s just... I would have been out today.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, โ€œWhat is this, Father?โ€

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, โ€œSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donโ€™t know what it is.โ€

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, โ€œSon, go get your mother.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?โ€

Akpos: โ€œ$10.โ€

Teacher: โ€œYou donโ€™t know maths.โ€

Akpos: โ€œYou donโ€™t know my father!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.

He claimed it wasnโ€™t mine.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, โ€œDad, how do you spell mobile phone?โ€

Father: โ€œHow it sounds.โ€

Pepito: โ€œAnd if it is in vibrate mode?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pepito tells his dad, โ€œDad I got a 10 in school today.โ€

Pepitoโ€™s father asks him delighted, โ€œHow wonderful, Pepito! In which area did you get that qualification?โ€

Pepito responds, โ€œI got 5 in spelling and 5 in history.

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My father asked me how my last hike went.

I told him, โ€œIt had its ups and downs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œWhy are you using our daughter as a guitar?โ€ my wife asked.

โ€œYou told me to rock her to sleep,โ€ I replied.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œOh, I sure am glad to see you,โ€ the little boy said to his grandmother. โ€œNow daddy will do the trick heโ€™s been promising us.โ€

The grandmother was curious.

โ€œWhat trick is that?โ€ she asked.

โ€œHe told Mommy that heโ€™d climb the walls if you came to visit,โ€ answered the boy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Father,

university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply canโ€™t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

After receiving his sonโ€™s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear David,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œItโ€™s clear,โ€ said the teacher, โ€œthat you havenโ€™t studied your geography. Whatโ€™s your excuse?โ€

โ€œWell, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Everyone keeps wishing a happy Fatherโ€™s Day to โ€œThe best dad in the worldโ€.

Iโ€™m flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a happy Fatherโ€™s Day as well.

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For Fatherโ€™s Day, my wife gave me a rear facing camera for my car.

I havenโ€™t looked back since.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


For Fatherโ€™s Day, my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed.

Iโ€™d have preferred they made it in the kitchen, but itโ€™s the thought that counts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is Fatherโ€™s Day?

Nine months after Fatherโ€™s Night.

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Fatherโ€™s Day at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, โ€œLogan, what does your father do?โ€

โ€œMy dad is a cop. Iโ€™m gonna draw him catching a bad guy.โ€

Then the teacher asks, โ€œBriei, what does your father do?โ€

Briei says, โ€œMy dad is a writer. Iโ€™m going to draw him with his new book.โ€

Teacher gets to Jake, โ€œAnd what does your father do, Jake?โ€

Jake says, โ€œMy dad is dead.โ€

โ€œOh my,โ€ teacher says. โ€œWhat did your father do before he died?โ€

Jake: โ€œHe turned blue and pooped on the floor.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Fatherโ€™s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.

โ€œSon, what are you doing?โ€ I asked. โ€œHavenโ€™t you found a nice card for daddy yet?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he replied. โ€œIโ€™m looking for one with money in it.โ€

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My kids are buying me gifts for Fatherโ€™s Day.

I hope I can afford it.

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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Fatherโ€™s Day?

This changes everything!

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Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy.

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What did the drummer call his twin sons?

Tom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two.

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Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?

Because they build character.

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I wanted to impress my crush, so I told her about my millionaire dad.

Now she is my mom.

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My dad told me to never trust crabs.

Theyโ€™re shellfish.

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My dad called. He said heโ€™s coming back home after all these years.

The Boomer rang.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He then left, and never came back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?

Bison.

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My dad always said there are two ways you know that youโ€™re getting old.

The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Son: โ€œDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?โ€

Dad: โ€œBecause your mother loves Roses.โ€

Son: โ€œOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!โ€

Dad: โ€œNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old manโ€™s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, โ€œI really think Iโ€™m leaving Dad at home next time!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatmentโ€”shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.โ€”he placed the boy in the chair.

โ€œIโ€™m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,โ€ he said. โ€œIโ€™ll be back in a few minutes.โ€

When the boyโ€™s haircut was completed and the man still hadnโ€™t returned, the barber said, โ€œLooks like your daddyโ€™s forgotten all about you.โ€

โ€œThat wasnโ€™t my daddy,โ€ said the boy. โ€He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said โ€˜Come on, son, weโ€™re gonna get a free haircut!โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

โ€œFather, father look,โ€ the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. โ€œThe Americans have gone to the moon.โ€

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, โ€œAll of them?โ€

โ€œNo, just 3,โ€ replies the kid.

โ€œDamn it!โ€ The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?

โ€œDonโ€™t worry! Itโ€™s just a phase itโ€™s going through!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Son: โ€œHey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?โ€

Dad: โ€œNo sun?โ€

Son: โ€œYou donโ€™t even want to take a guess?โ€

Dad: โ€œNo sun!โ€

Son: โ€œYouโ€™re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the moon say to the sun?

โ€œHello, Sun.โ€

What did the sun say to the moon?

โ€œDad?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, โ€œSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโ€™ve got something to tell you.โ€

โ€œDad, guess what?!โ€ he shouted excitedly.

โ€œSteve, this is important.โ€ I urged.

โ€œNo way, Dad. Listen!โ€

โ€œSteve. Please. Donโ€™t make this hard for me. Itโ€™s about your mum and me.โ€

โ€œDad! Shut up! Iโ€™ve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s amazing son! Your old Dadโ€™s really made up for you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

โ€œDonut hole me back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, โ€œEnjoy the HOLE donut!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Son: โ€œDad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?โ€

Dad: โ€œNo sun.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young Arab boy asks his father, โ€œWhat is that strange hat you are wearing?โ€

The father said, โ€œWhy, my son, it is a โ€œchechiaโ€. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.โ€

โ€œAnd what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?โ€ asked the boy.

โ€œOh, my son!โ€ exclaimed the father, โ€œIt is very simple. This is a โ€œdjbellahโ€. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My โ€œdjbellahโ€ protects the entire body.โ€

The son then asked, โ€œBut Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?โ€

โ€œThese are โ€œbabouchesโ€ my son,โ€ the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These โ€œbabouchesโ€ keep us from burning our feet.โ€

โ€œSo tell me then,โ€ added the boy.

โ€œYes, my son...โ€

โ€œWhy are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman goes to her boyfriendโ€™s parentsโ€™ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnโ€™t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendโ€™s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenโ€™s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, โ€œGinger!โ€

The woman thought, โ€œThis is great!โ€ and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnโ€™t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger!โ€

Once again the woman smiled and thought, โ€œYes!โ€

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnโ€™t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.

Mom says heโ€™s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, โ€œThatโ€™s because I use both my nostrils.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A small boy tells his mum that his dadโ€™s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโ€™t believe him.

โ€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell he did,โ€ the boy replies, โ€œand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œGood night, kids!โ€

Kids: โ€œGood night, dad!โ€

Me: โ€œGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!โ€

Wife (through radio under the bed): โ€œGood night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my dad I couldnโ€™t believe Iโ€™d failed my biology exam.

He said, โ€œIโ€™m your mum!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, did you ever fall in love?โ€

โ€œYes, son. I did once.โ€

โ€œAnd, what happened?โ€

โ€œIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ€

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Little Johnny yells upstairs: โ€œDad, thereโ€™s a salesman here with a mustache.โ€

โ€œTell him Iโ€™ve got one.โ€

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, โ€œYour name?โ€

โ€œJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.โ€

โ€œOh, you stutter?โ€

โ€œNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!โ€

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A little boy asked his father, โ€œDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ€

And the father replied, โ€œI donโ€™t know, son, Iโ€™m still paying for it.โ€

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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

โ€œSee here, old fellow,โ€ said Jesus kindly, โ€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโ€™ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playโ€”youโ€™re supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the old man, โ€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ€

Tears sprang from Jesusโ€™ eyes.

โ€œFATHER!โ€ he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โ€œPINOCCHIO!โ€

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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

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Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!

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My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

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The dad says, โ€œA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ€

The kid replies, โ€œI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ€

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A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

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I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, โ€œSon, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.โ€

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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s an asshole!โ€

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At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

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A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

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Teacher: โ€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?โ€

Student: โ€œMy fatherโ€™s checkbook.โ€

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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ€

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