Farming Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Farming Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Farming Jokes


What farm animal keeps the best time?

A watch dog.

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My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it’s very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy, but you ate it.

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What do you call a flying pig?

Swine flu.

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How did the pig get out of the tree?

The swine flu.

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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?

Swine flu.

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What does a nut with the flu sound like?Β 

CAAAASHEW!

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They said when pigs fly...

But the swine already flu.

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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, β€œWhat’s this supposed to do, cure me!”

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What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

β€œMother”, the nuns pleaded, β€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, β€œDon’t sell that cow.”

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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

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What do you call a depressed unicorn?

A blue-corn.

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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

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What is dog’s favoriteΒ breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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Why did the bacon laugh?

Because the egg cracked a yolk!

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What makes nuts healthy?

They have many nut-rients.

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What happened when the pig pen broke?

They had to use the pig pencil.

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Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?

It pulled a hamstring.

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What do you call a male buffalo?

A buffellow.

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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?

Their child would be a real buffoon.

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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?

Cowboom!

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What’s the hardest part about being a vegan?

It is getting up at 4.30am to milk the almonds.

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What do you call a unicorn with two horns?

A goat.

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How did the farmer find his lost cow?

He tractor down.

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What’s the perfect St. Paddy’s Day breakfast?

Green eggs and ham.

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A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.

He is watched by a sparrow who can’t help laughing and eventually says, β€œDon’t you know there aren’t any apples on the tree yet?”

β€œYes,” said the snail, β€œbut there will be by the time I get up there.”

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Why don’t squirrels have any friends?

Because they drive everyone nuts.

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I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn’t know how.

So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.

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What type of berry can you drink out of?

A strawberry.

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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

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It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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What is the name of a skinny Pakistani cow?

A moo-slim.

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I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.

I told it that it was so ugly it could be a turkey and that it laid horrible eggs.

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Why was the little strawberry crying?

Because his parents were in a jam.

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What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?

Looks like we had a tire pop out.

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What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a pig?

A porky–pine.

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What do you call a fat pineapple?

A pineapple chunk.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œBanana.”

β€œBanana, who?”

Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œBanana.”

β€œBanana, who?”

Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œOrange.”

β€œOrange, who?”

β€œOrange you glad I didn’t say banana!”

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What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?

An orangutan.

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What did the egg say to the frying pan?

You crack me up.

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What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?

β€œI don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”

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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

A woolly jumper.

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What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

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What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?

A chicken.

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What is the favorite fruit of feminists?

Mangoes.

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Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?

Because the chicken had his eggs.

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How does the Easter Bunny feel after Easter?

Eggs-hausted.

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What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite color?

Egg white.

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?

A bunny with money.

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What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny.

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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?

She had her reputation at stake.

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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?

Abocado.

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What’s the difference between a cow and a moose?

One moos, the other moose.

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What did a llamas mum say about the twin siblings?

They looked like the spitting image of each other.

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Why do llamas have such long necks?

To make sure their heads stay on.

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What do you call a llama with his head underwater?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you.

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How do llamas wake up in the morning?

They use allama clocks.

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Why did the llama win the rap battle?

Because he was good at spitting.

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Why did the llama cross the road?

Because it was the chicken’s day off.

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Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons.

That explains my acidity problems.

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What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid.

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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

β€œA lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”

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What language do Brazilian geese speak?

Portu-geese.

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What happened to the geese when they fell down the stairs?

They all got goose bumps.

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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?

To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.

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What do you call a possessed bird?

A polter-goose.

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How do gingers like their gossip?

Spicy.

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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?

Ginger beer.

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How do gingers support each other?

By rooting for them.

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Why did the chicken family cross the road?

They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

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Why did the gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t chicken.

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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

Because it got run over half-way.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was free range.

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Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?

It got tired of all the jokes.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To bock traffic.

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Where does a camel go after he’s eaten his main course?

To the desert trolley.

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How do you serve a camel a cup of tea?

Ask them if they want one hump or two.

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Husband: β€œIt says here, that over 5,000 camels are used to make paintbrushes each year.”

Wife: β€œIsn’t it amazing what they can teach camels to do nowadays?”

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A little-known fact is that Sir Lancelot raised a lot of sheep in his later years to make a living.

But once he got to Egypt he opened his own camel lot.

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What do you call a camel with three humps?

Pregnant.

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Where do you park a camel?

At the Camelot.

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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?

A porcupine.

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How do bison stay fit?

They do buffalo bells at the gym.

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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?

Bluffalo.

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What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?

A bison-tennial.

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What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?

Bison.

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Why do pigs go to New York City?

To see the Big Apple.

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What did the pig say when he was placed in the desert?

Oh no, I’m bacon.

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What made the pig go to the kitchen?

Because he felt like bacon.

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What is a pressing thought of every pig?

β€œWhy do all bacons get cooked and cookies get baked?”

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The first commandment was... when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

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What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

Pineapple.

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β€œDad, do you like baked apples?”

β€œYes son, why?”

β€œThe orchard’s on fire.”

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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?

Because he ran out of juice.

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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Taking a bite and finding half a worm.

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What kind of apple isn’t an apple?

A pineapple.

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I am sad to leave the alpaca alone again.

Spending time with him was fun wool it lasted.

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If you get kissed by an alpaca, it’s not the end of the world.

It’s the alpaca-lips.

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I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.

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What did the talent scout say about the juggling alpaca?

That alpaca is one of the most tailented alpacas around.

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What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?

A turtleneck sweater.

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What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?

A Wool-f.

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A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, β€œHave you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

β€œYeah,” the other cow says. β€œMakes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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Why do turkeys love Thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents.

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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, little Johnny wrote:

I am thankful I am not a turkey.

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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?

Nothing, they’re already stuffed.

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What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

The turkey.

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What do you call a self-obsessed egg?

An eggomaniac.

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Why do hens lay eggs?

Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

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What day do eggs hate the most?

Fry-day.

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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

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What do you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?

It’s fowl spring weather.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œLettuce.”

β€œLettuce, who?”

β€œLettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

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A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce

They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.

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What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

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What did the lettuce say to the ship?

ICEBERG!

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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don’t know, lettuce sea.

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Deathrow’s last meal.

The officer asks the inmate what would be his last meal.

The inmate replies, β€œI want mangoes”.

Officer says, β€œIt is not mango season yet.”

Inmate says, β€œI guess I would just have to wait.”

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Singular: one mango

Plural: Two menwent

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What is a recently divorced woman’s favorite fruit?

Mango.

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Monkey sees an Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, monkey calls out to elephant, β€œHey, elephant, why are you climbing that tree?”

Elephant says, β€œI’m going to eat me a mango!”

Monkey responds, β€œBut that isn’t a mango tree!”

Elephant says, β€œDon’t worry about it, I brought my own.”

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Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree.

They start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a lifetime missing the target.

One says to the other, β€œMaybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and takeΒ a closer look.”

The other agrees.

He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe.

He comes down joyfully to his friend and say, β€œYeap, the fruit is damn ripe, let’s get it.”

And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit.

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I had to fire the fruit delivery guy today.

I really had to let the mango he was driving me bananas.

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What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay.

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What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma.

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love

Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

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Why did the watermelon go crazy?

He lost his rind.

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When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.

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What do you have left over after a pig eats a watermelon?

Pork rinds.

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What did the watermelon write on his Valentine’s card?

β€œYou’re one in a melon!”

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Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?

It was melondramatic.

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If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

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Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma.

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A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.

At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.

He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying β€œONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.

Reassured, he goes home to sleep.

In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign β€œNow there are two”.

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What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie.

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If two avocado are β€œavocados”.

Then shouldn’t three avocado be β€œavocatres”, and four be β€œavoquatro”, and five be β€œavocinco”?

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What did the avocado do at the wedding?

Make a toast.

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What can you find on avocado feet?

Avoca-toes.

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What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?

A guaca-mole.

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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

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I’m trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.

It’s not that hard.

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What does an avocado say to its pit?

Without you, I’m empty inside.

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What does an avocado call its children?

Avo-kiddos.

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How do chickens wake up on time?

Alarm clucks!

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What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn’t make it on time?

Omelette.

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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.

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Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?

Judas Is-carrot.

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What’s a Vegetable’s favorite martial art?

Carrotee!

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What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to manβ€”a melonccoli.

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Did you hear about Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?

His name was Brocco Lee.

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What kind of socks do you need to plant broccoli?

Garden hose.

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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.

He sees an extra tire and exclaims, β€œOh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”

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What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?

A ham sandwich.

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2 peanuts were walking down the street.

One was assaulted, the other got aroasted.

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What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews.

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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, β€œHey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

β€œThat’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, β€œbut I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

β€œAw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.

β€œWell okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, β€œbut Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

Willis: β€œI feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

β€œDon’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. β€œBy the way, where is he?”

Willis: β€œUnder the wagon.”

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What do you call a single kernel of corn?

A uni-corn.

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Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.

They were the laughing stalk of the field.

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What vegetable can tie your shoes?

String beans.

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What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?

The casse-role.

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What is a poet’s favorite legume?

Rhyma-beans!

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What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?

Tear gas.

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Why wasn’t the young veggie allowed to start in the game?

He was a green bean.

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Why was the green bean ashamed?

It saw the cranberry dressing.

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Two goats are eating garbage.

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he’s done, the second one asks, β€œHow did you like the movie?”

The first one responds, β€œIt was OK, but I liked the book better.”

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What did the customer say to the cashier who asked if he wanted his milk in a bag?

β€œJust leave it in the carton, please.”

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What did the dad turkey say to his stubborn child?

β€œIf your mother could see you now, she’d be turning over in her gravy.”

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I ate a salad today, and it contained both eggs and chicken.

I didn’t know where to start...

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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.

She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, β€œYou know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”

As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, β€œIt’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”

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I made a chicken salad this morning.

This stupid thing is he won’t eat it.

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What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?

Don’t look, I’m dressing!

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What do you call a pig thief?

A hamburglar.

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What do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention?

You call the hambulance.

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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.

A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.

An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.

β€œWell, son, let me tell you about this here pig.

One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.

This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.

Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”

The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.

The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.

β€œWell, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.

If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.

Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”

The man was flabbergasted, β€œSir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”

The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, β€œSon, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”

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Why was the turkey in the pop group?

Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.

The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.

The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.

At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.

The farmer admits that they’ve done very wellβ€”so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!

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My wallet is like an onion.

Whenever I open it my eyes tear up.

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I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.

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A mother, father and daughter onion are out for a walk.

They get to the streetlight at an intersection and as the walk sign lights up, they begin to cross but a careless driver catches the daughter onion and she rolls to the side of the road, horribly injured.

She is rushed to the hospital and after a few hours the doctor comes to the waiting room to speak to the parents, β€œSir, ma’am, I have good news and bad news.”

β€œOkay, give it to us, Doc, we want to know how she’s doing.”

β€œWell,” says the doctor, β€œthe good news is your daughter is going to live.”

The parent onions feel a huge relief, then ask for the bad news.

β€œThe bad news is, she’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life.”

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What’s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

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What do you call a haunted chicken?

A poultry-geist.

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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?

A pumpkin patch.

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One snowman said to another, β€œI’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”

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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Β 

Alexβ€”a little boy of nineβ€”was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, β€œWhat’ve you got in your trailer?”

β€œManure,” farmer Smith replied.

β€œWhat are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

β€œPut it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, β€œYou ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

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Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

In the gourdroom.

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How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?

Use a pumpkin patch.

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How do pumpkins get up to the roof?

They use a jack-o-ladder.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

β€œAre you feeling ill?”

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?

A hot dog.

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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?

Milky Whey.

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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.

It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.

Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.

We had a poultrygeist.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverβ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieβ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, β€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, β€œSure.”

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, β€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

β€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, β€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, β€œYou’re on.”

β€œYou are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.

β€œThat’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. β€œHowever did you guess?”

β€œIt wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. β€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”

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It is so hot, potatoes cook underground.

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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

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It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.

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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

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What do you call alien eggs?

Eggstra-terrestrials!

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

β€œHuman creature,” the alien bellows, β€œwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, β€œWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”

β€œThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”

β€œOh, nowadays we use two sticks.”

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Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

To get chocolate milk.

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What did the fancy bearded goat order at the cafΓ©?

A goa-tea.

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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

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What do you call a goat with a beard?

A goatee.

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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?

Udder lunacy.

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Which way did the cow jump over the moon?

The Milky Way!

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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?

They’re all very stable animals.

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Guess what monkeys eat in space?

Space bananas!

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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?

Let’s get cracking.

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What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?

A Nightmare!

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I hope you like veggies cause I love you from my head tomatoes.

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What do you get from an Alaskan cow?

Ice Cream.

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Who would be the best food to hang out with, a strawberry, a banana or a mushroom?

A mushroom of course, because he’s a fun-gi.

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Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?

Button Mushrooms.

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A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.

As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” the mushroom says. β€œAren’t you enjoying yourself?”

β€œI guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, β€œI wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

β€œWhy not?”

β€œI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

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A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can’t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses’ ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, β€œThe white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey.”

The horse said, β€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, β€œWhy the long face?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œHorsp.”

β€œHorsp, who?”

Did you just say β€œhorse poo?”

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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

β€œCome on, ketch-up!”

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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess that’s why they moo.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCash.”

β€œCash, who?”

β€œNo thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œInterrupting cow.”

β€œInterrup...”

β€œMoooooooo!”

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Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyβ€”he’s always stuffed.

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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

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Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: β€œWell, how’s the business going?”

Bula: β€œBad brother, sorry about everything!”

Johnny: β€œWhy?”

Bula: β€œI don’t have any chickens anymore!”

Johnny: β€œGood god, why?”

Bula: β€œIf I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, β€œWho’s first?”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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