Enjoy our team's carefully selected Farm Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Alpaca.”
“Alpaca, who?”
“Alpaca your bags, we’re going on vacation!”
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Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
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My Ph.D. thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii.
To understand it all, I had to visit the ancient mooins.
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Alpaca.”
“Alpaca, who?”
“Alpaca suitcase and move in shortly.”
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?
She had her reputation at stake.
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What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses.
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The internet connection at my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.
He rushes to the phone and calls 911.
“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”
“Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”
“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.
“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.
Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.
The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”
“You said there were no officers in my area.”
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A pair of cows were talking in the field.
One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out-standing in his field.
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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.
Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”
“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.
“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.
Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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I went to a church men’s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, “Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”
“To which Joe replies, “Chocolate sausage.”
This gets everyone’s attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, “This doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, “The horse was named Chocolate.”
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
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Three women escape from prison—a blonde and two brunettes—and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There are just three burlap sacks in here!”
To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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Why do SEOs love the farmers market?
Lots of organic content!
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A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.
So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.
So she can’t tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses’ ears.
So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.
She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
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“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”
Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”
Johnny: “Why?”
Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”
Johnny: “Good god, why?”
Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”
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