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Jokes on Family



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Family Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”

😄 😄 😄


I love being a grandparent in retirement.

I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.

😄 😄 😄


Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:

“Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

😄 😄 😄


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”

Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”

“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.

The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.

“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”

😄 😄 😄


Me: “Good night, kids!”

Kids: “Good night, dad!”

Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”

Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”

😄 😄 😄


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.

😄 😄 😄


I told my dad I couldn’t believe I’d failed my biology exam.

He said , “I’m your mum!”

😄 😄 😄


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”

“Yes, son. I did once.”

“And, what happened?”

“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”

😄 😄 😄


One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

😄 😄 😄


My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a moustache.”

“Tell him I’ve got one.”

😄 😄 😄


A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.

“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”

“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”

“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”

The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”

😄 😄 😄


Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

😄 😄 😄


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”

😄 😄 😄


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

😄 😄 😄


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.

“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.

“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”

😄 😄 😄


A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.

“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”

“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.

“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”

“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”

“OK, and who’s next?”

“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”

The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”

Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, an’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, an’ they all come a runnin.

An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”

“I call them by their surnames.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

😄 😄 😄


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”

The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”

The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”

The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

😄 😄 😄


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like Heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”

😄 😄 😄


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

😄 😄 😄


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

😄 😄 😄


The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”

“That’s right.”

“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”

“Well, today is his birthday.”

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

😄 😄 😄


My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

😄 😄 😄


I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

😄 😄 😄


I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

😄 😄 😄


At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap.

When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move, he just stared.

“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?”, I asked.

“No!”, he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”

😄 😄 😄


At the family reunion.

Boy: “I’m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Good Day.”

😄 😄 😄


The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

😄 😄 😄


Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

😄 😄 😄


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”

😄 😄 😄


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

😄 😄 😄


A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”

😄 😄 😄


A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”

He said, “Well I doubt it, but l'll email her just to be sure!”

He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you don’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love

Mom

😄 😄 😄


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

😄 😄 😄


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

😄 😄 😄


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it! It's an asshole!”

😄 😄 😄


At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

😄 😄 😄


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

😄 😄 😄


A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

😄 😄 😄


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.”

😄 😄 😄





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