Enjoy our team's carefully selected Eye Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.
“How can you shoot someone five times by accident?” the officer asked.
“Well, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,” the man said.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?
They didn’t want to make a spectacle.
😄 😄 😄
My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
😄 😄 😄
The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
😄 😄 😄
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
😄 😄 😄
The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
😄 😄 😄
The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.
It was truly sight-resting.
😄 😄 😄
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, “Oh, what cute kittens!”
The boy replies, “Yes, they are Christian kittens.”
About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says, “My, those are just adorable!”
The boy replies, “Yes, they are atheist kittens.”
The man asks, “Wait, weren’t they Christian before?”
The boy looks at the man and says, “Yeah, but they have their eyes open now.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
😄 😄 😄
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
😄 😄 😄
Around 80% of all Asians who move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell Minecraft characters watch too much TV?
They all have square eyes.
😄 😄 😄
Minnie came out of her room after changing for a dinner party. Goofy was there.
Minnie asked, “Goofy, how do I look?”
Goofy replied, “Like everyone else, with your eyes!”
😄 😄 😄
What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?
They tell you that they are seeing someone else.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
😄 😄 😄
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
😄 😄 😄
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
😄 😄 😄
Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
😄 😄 😄
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
😄 😄 😄
Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.
And now I think I have guacoma.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
😄 😄 😄
My wallet is like an onion.
Whenever I open it my eyes tear up.
😄 😄 😄
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
😄 😄 😄
Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
😄 😄 😄
It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
😄 😄 😄
One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”
😄 😄 😄
I was eating a hot dog the other day and when I took a bite, ketchup squirted in my eye...
Now I have heinzsight.
😄 😄 😄
I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
😄 😄 😄
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each other’s eyes.
😄 😄 😄
You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
😄 😄 😄
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
😄 😄 😄
Warning!
Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You’ll strain your eyes.
😄 😄 😄
A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
“Mom, can I escort Helen?”
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted “no”, she surprised hear.
“Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!”
😄 😄 😄
I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
😄 😄 😄
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”
Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”
😄 😄 😄
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
😄 😄 😄
What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
😄 😄 😄
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
😄 😄 😄
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
😄 😄 😄
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about your hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
😄 😄 😄
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.
He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box 22.
Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
😄 😄 😄
