Engineering Jokes



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Engineering Jokes


What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.

If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.

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What’s a hydraulic ram used for?

It’s where you get steel wool.

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Looking for a boyfriend in engineering.

The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

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An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.

Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.

The son replied, “Pi r square.”

The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”

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An engineering student designed a robot that would take his exams for him.

The other designed a robot that could cheat off the first robot.

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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The Laws of Engineering

1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

3. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it—document it.

4. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the servicemen.

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Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

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How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”

The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.

The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.

Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.

As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”

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What is CHEVROLET an acronym for?

Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques.

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A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.

The purchasing agent says, “We need to buy a new tire.”

The mechanical engineer says, “No, I think I can fix this one.”

And the software engineer says, “Let’s drive on it for a while, maybe it’ll fix itself.”

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A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”

The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”

The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

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A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”

The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”

The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”

The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”

The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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