Enjoy our team's carefully selected Egg Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Egg.”
“Egg, who?”
“Egg-cited for breakfast?”
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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
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In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.
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Vegan: “Hey, try eating this apple.”
Meat-eater: “Hey, this tastes pretty good.”
Vegan: “Well, that’s because it’s vegan.”
Meat-eater: “I thought it tasted it a bit funny.”
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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What do vegans get instead of bird flu?
Toflu.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Leah.”
“Leah, who?”
“Leah-n an egg for my breakfast!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hammond.”
“Hammond, who?”
“Hammond eggs for breakfast please!”
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What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
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What’s the hardest part about being a vegan?
It is getting up at 4.30am to milk the almonds.
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Yo mama so vegan and fat she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
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Why do vegans lose their eyesight earlier than meat-eaters?
From reading all those tiny ingredient labels.
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What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”
The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”
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What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
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What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
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What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn’t make it on time?
Omelette.
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A man and his family walk into a bar.
Inside the bar, the man’s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating “World’s longest memory”.
The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.
The child asks, “What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?”
The Native American states, “Eggs.”
The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.
Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, “How!”
The Native American replies, “Scrambled.”
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A wife asks her husband to go to the shop to buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, to get six.
The husband returns with six cartons of milk.
When the wife asks, “Why did you buy so much milk?!”
He replies, “They had eggs.”
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I ate a salad today, and it contained both eggs and chicken.
I didn’t know where to start...
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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I love vegan food!
It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
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Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
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