Enjoy our team's carefully selected Drunk Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.
Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.
Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.
Then he says, “That’s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.”
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I quickly learned that the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.
Is one of them attends meetings.
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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.”
In disbelief, the officer asks, “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
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Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.
“Sir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”
“Well, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”
“WHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”
“The handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”
The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.
The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.
“There’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. “I thought you said there was a homicide?”
He then searches under the seat, “And no gun either.”
The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.
“Gee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”
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Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll take a blood sample.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”
Cop: “All right, just walk this white line.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I’m drunk.”
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Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete’s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!”
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One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, “I thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman!”
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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.
The next day, I was hung over.
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
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New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
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Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.
I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.
Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear... and then I jumped off the carousel.
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Friend: “I wasn’t that drunk.
Me: “Dude! You gave a mushroom to a midget and said “Grow Mario! Grow!”.
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A crab walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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Two guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.
One guy said, “Oh no, An alligator just bit one of my feet off!”
The other guy said, “Which one?”
And the first guy said, “How should I know? All the alligators look alike.”
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What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
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